Today I meditated and for some reason I wrestled with closing my eyes.  I meditated, wide eyed.  Last night I was also restless when I did a sound bath chakra color meditation.  The music was beautifully lit with candles and salt lamps in front of a fireplace and there I was wide awake.  As I go back to my meditation today, I’m sitting in my pool house and it’s later in the morning than usual for me, like 9:30am.  The Florida heat is starting to come mid-April and I’m hot.  As I’m looking around I notice all these lizards all over my pool house.  The lawn company weed whacked the bottom of my screen on the pool house and I’m waiting to get the whole pool house re-screened with Seabreeze.  I had some pine trees above my pool house and there are pine needles everywhere.  Those are the worst to get off a pool house.  I had 2 pines taken out over my pool house so that when it’s re-screened then this doesn’t happen anymore.  I still have lots of trees in my backyard.  I love it.  I have landscaping inside the pool house where lizards jump off the plants and move about.  They flash their bright orange throats.  There are dark gray ones, green ones and black ones.  I look to the left and there is a big lizard sitting on top of a little lizard.  They look like they are hugging or mating but they are still.  Are they looking at me?  In the distance I see Sand Hill Cranes hunting in the retention pond behind my house.  I know they hunt roaches but I think they also eat lizards.  I feel sad for the lizards but I also like the cranes and know they have to eat.  I recognize the noises that Sand Hill Cranes make.  Far in the distance I see an Armadillo walk across my neighbors lawn.  I love nature.  It’s a treat to be outside meditating in the fresh air and the morning light.  

I finally close my eyes to focus on my auras since I’m having a hard time concentrating.  Right away I see a fuchsia red in the middle.  I focus on it more and it shimmers in the shape of a bright beautiful red rose surrounded by black.  I looked up the image that I was seeing and it looked similar to the one above.  The article for this picture was all about love bombing.  That is a coincidence because I fell victim to love bombing in a past relationship.  I dated someone who would leave me notes on my windshield, cards in my car, balloons, flowers, surprise visits, gifts, help fixing me house and showering me with attention.  It seemed too good to be true.  I fell for this person hard because it made me feel special when I was in a vulnerable scary part of my life.  I trusted this person right away and opened up about many of my fears.  I felt safe.

The only thing is that I wasn’t safe.  He had lots of other girls that he would also go out with alone on platonic lunches, dinners, outings, etc.  Platonic was the claim but I doubt it.  His group of girlfriends didn’t like me and I didn’t even really know them.  I suspect this guy was talking poorly about me with them.  Somehow he kept us all separate so that we never talked with each other alone.  I put up with it because I was emotionally attached by all the love bombing that happened in the beginning of the relationship.  I was being covertly manipulated and didn’t see it.  He convinced me to change my life for him.  When I followed through and did what he requested, then he moved in and said he had no money for his half of the rent.  I was furious because I got divorced earlier than I was ready to for this person and we made plans for months.  I am a mother with young children and this guy pushed hard for my divorce and claimed monogamy with me and he was going to fulfill all my dreams.  My kids would go to the best private school, he says.  I left a financially secure situation with two children for this guy and he let me down.  I felt so betrayed because he knew way in advance about his finances and he lied.  The soul can’t stand being lied to.  I was terrified.  I had to face my biggest fear in life, being a single mother with 2 babies and no career.  I worked for my ex-husband’s company for years so I didn’t have anything else.  What am I going to do?  I felt foolish.  I ended the relationship because I lost trust.

I’ve spent the last year and a half re-building my life and my career.  The other day I pulled an oracle card at my friends house and it said, “Be Your Own Hero”.  This was the perfect card for me!  I needed to become my own hero so that I could start over and rely on myself over anyone else.  It’s damn good advice.  I have no problem working hard but I needed help with my kids.  They were only 2 and 4 at the time.  My ex-husband was very supportive with helping me while I attended trainings.  He was there for me after I fell flat on my face with the guy that I left him for.  His unconditional love for me was humbling.  I developed deep compassion and forgiveness for others by my experience.  My mother ended up moving in and helped even more.  Lately life has been good.  I’m on track with re-building my life and it’s exciting.  Being your own hero is the most empowering thing that has ever happened to me.  Yes there are good days and bad days but overall, I’m happy.  In the future, I will be aware of love bombers and I will be my own hero!  Peace.  Love.  Forgiveness.  Trust in the Universe.  Learn your lessons.  Don’t let a love bomber fool you.