When I was in high school I had an insatiable desire to be liked and to be popular. There was a lot of turbulence in my family growing up and I didn’t look to my family for emotional support. Instead I looked to my friends for the love and support that I wasn’t getting at home. I would think, I hope I’m funny enough, pretty enough, cool enough, enough of whatever it takes to be liked. I would crave this attention so much that I would often sabotage myself in efforts to get one more approval. We all have this desire to connect and to be loved. I was coming from a place of lack instead of a place of abundance.
I’m about to substitute my friend Jenny’s yoga class. Jenny is a very popular teacher and I’m finding myself falling back into the insecure feelings of I hope they like me. As I wait outside the room, ready to go in, I hear Chad’s TRX class thumping to Footloose. Wait, Rocky just came on. Students are laughing and shouting I love Rocky. I hear Chad shouting workout routines like a drill sergeant and the students grunt, groan and love it. Chad is a very popular teacher. I feel intimidated but then I think why do I have this neediness to have everyone like me? Do I like me? Yes, I do like me! I’m different than these teachers but that’s what makes this yoga studio so great. We all have something different to offer. As I’m about to go in, I change my thinking to how can I serve. All my students want to connect otherwise they would be home doing yoga alone. I want to connect with my students and I have to assume that if they showed up that they want to connect with me too. I love my students and I love seeing them grow. Nothing excites me more than to see a miraculous transformation within them in body and mind. Healing, self care, self love excites me because these were things that I needed. If we are truly one, then I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way. There is an abundance of love to go around.
As I sit here waiting, I think about Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now. I am anxious about the future. I’m am anxious about a class that hasn’t happened yet. In the process, I lose myself in the Now. Along with changing my thinking from I hope they like me to How Can I Serve, I also remind myself that the future is just my thoughts. My thoughts are just a made up story that isn’t real. Come into the present moment. My thoughts are meaningless. My thoughts are simply complaints and my not enoughness is what my ego identifies itself with. I can choose to be present and let the ego go. As Eckhart Tolle says, “The essence of now is who you are. Or you fall into a false sense of self if you are not presence. This is the ego with repetitive, unconscious, thought patterns and emotional patterns. Trapped in the story. Wisdom can only be found in no thought. Wisdom comes from stillness. Be aware of the inner energy of the body. Tap into your sense perceptions. A high degree of alertness. Bring in thoughtlessness. Thoughtlessness implies more consciousness. To awaken. The compulsion to think is just a habit.” Thanks Eckhart, you make it sound so simple! But that is just it, it is simple. KISS, Keep It Simple Stupid was an old computer programming rule that I learned back in my coding days when I was hired out of school to save the world by fixing the Y2K bug. Keep the anxiety at bay by simply coming into the present moment. Yes I still fall into old habits, but I am developing an awareness to actively change my energy. I hope this also helps you to come into the presence.
I read this blog to the class and it felt like almost immediately my nervousness was released the moment that I made my confession. We did a connection circle where we start in a line and connect with one another by looking into each other’s eyes for 10 to 15 seconds and then move to the next student. At the end of the circle two girls were crying. It was touching to see how much others also wanted to connect. I felt the love and warmth of the room. One girl was new to yoga and I kept checking on her as many of the moves were new for her. I was happy to see her working through the awkwardness of doing yoga for the first time. It’s not easy to get out of your comfort zone but she was doing it. Go deep into the present moment and find all the love and happiness that you desire. Much Love & Light to you all!