I have a friend who challenged me to a silent 30 day meditation challenge, 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening with the purpose to watch and become aware of my thoughts. I am a do’er and I have an incredible strong resistance to doing this challenge, which makes me think that I should do it. I am always busy, working hard as a mommy, studying, choreographing, cleaning, teaching yoga classes, doing Assisted Thai Yoga for my clients, marketing, cooking, etc, you name it I am doing it. I am doing everything except stopping. I hate stopping. Why I wonder? Am I afraid to see something? Is there something that I can learn about myself from this exercise? I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t even know if I can do it. With 2 small kids running around the house then I’ll be lucky to find time alone late at night or early morning. Alone time is precious and I really love reading, learning and doing my own research on whatever project that I’m working on. I don’t like using this precious time to sit and do nothing. I spent a few days just thinking about this challenge before I could even begin. Actually, I’ve been thinking about doing it for years. Always thinking I’ll start tomorrow and tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes and I haven’t started. But begin I must and so I have.
Here’s my day 1 meditation. I started in the evening on Friday November 2nd 2018 at 8:40pm. I sit in front of my front room window on a pink yoga mat and sit cross legged. I sit up tall to line up my chakras and cup my hands one on top of the other and close my eyes. Breath. I start taking long breaths to settle my mind as I just got the kids to bed. They are still awake and I can hear them playing a little. I want to get started because I’m exhausted and I have a long day of doing Assisted Thai Yoga tomorrow for a special event at Nieman Marcus. I think, no more Halloween candy for my non-sleeping babies. Please go to sleep. Another part of me is happy they are so joyful together. Thoughts roll through my mind, at first thoughts of the future, all my plans for tomorrow and the next few months with my career. I think of my plans tomorrow night, who will be there, what might happen. I fully envision whole stories of what might happen. Maybe I can predict what will happen and how I will react. I hope my back doesn’t hurt me tomorrow when I work this Thai event. Then I fall into the past thinking about an ex-boyfriend that I recently talked with. He reminded me of my old acting days. My eyelid gets stuck and I have to blink. I’m finding very little time that I don’t think of anything. I don’t judge myself, I’m only taking note of what’s coming up. Jeez my back is starting to hurt. I get up to look at the time and only 17 minutes passed, ahhhhh. I want to get up. I don’t want to be here. My leg is tingling, I wonder if I’m cutting off circulation in my leg sitting like this. How do we get comfortable sitting like this so long. A different memory of another friend pops up. He once said I knew everything about the acting industry inside out. And yes at the time, I was totally on it. I can be an intense person with a lot of things that I do. Why can’t I just do something? Instead I have to do it full out and to that absolute best of my ability. And then I’ve had a pattern to quit and find something else to do. 13 more agonizing minutes to go. Breath. I go back to the breath to focus. I listen to the sounds in the room, the neighbors dog, my kids still away and playing and the sound of the crickets. Breath. I really can’t wait for this to be over. My low back is killing me at this point. Geez the back of my throat itches, no more vegan cheese for me. I must be having some kind of allergic reaction to it. I’m almost done, hang in there. Breath. I get up and realize I got up a minute too early. Too bad, good enough for my first time.
Wow, it’s really hard to sit still an do nothing but watch. I can see people being able to develop a deep sense of awareness through meditation. I hope to gain so much out of all this but what if there is nothing. What do I want to change? Oh so much. How can I be happier? How can I live to my fullest potential? How do I find more authentic relationships? What do I want? What else is preventing me? What other fears are in my way? How do I overcome these fears? How can I reach Nirvana? Is there a such thing as Nirvana anyway? The biggest thing I hope to learn through this project is myself. I want to learn who am I? Who am I without cultural conditioning, without pressure from family, work and friends influence? There is so much to ask, so much to learn. I am excited for this dreadful task of meditation and hope that I like it one day. It would be so nice to go deep within myself for research and answers instead of constant research on enlightenment from others. Goodnight beautiful people. I hope I can stay the course. Until tomorrow. Wish me luck.