Today I meditate on my ottoman again at 10am. It’s becoming my favorite spot during the colder central Florida winters. I am from Chicago where it is cold and I never got used to it nor do I miss it. As far as I’m concerned, the only time to go in the snow is if I want to go snowboarding and I haven’t done that in a long time! Snowboarding used to be my best sport as I grew up skiing and I snowboarded a lot during my early 20’s in California. I loved the mountain views, the fresh air and the serenity of being on the mountains.
Anyway, I close my eyes and think about the wakeful darkness I am in. I’m wide awake with my eyes closed which feels kind of funny as I want to open them. I try to see the back of my eyelids but only feel my eyes flicker in darkness. I hear the clock ticking and the weird noises that my refrigerator makes. I started sitting with my feet on the floor and move half way through to a cross legged position while I sit up tall. I sit up tall to align my chakras and practice my ujjayi breath. I breath deep inhales and constrict the back of my throat as I exhale. I enjoy the peaceful quietness of my clean house alone. The kids are at school and I get four house of alone time. I need to choreograph my yoga routine for tonight’s class. I’ll do that after my meditation. I love the choreographing part. Sometimes ideas are flying out of my mind faster than I can get them down. I am building quite the collection of notebooks with my routines. Some I borrow and others I make up on my own.
Lately I have been in a funk and I’m trying to dig myself out of it. I know we all have the power to choose how we feel and as I’m sitting in my funk, I am trying to figure out why I’m in it in the first place and how can I actively choose to get out of it. I’m starting to realize that my self esteem relies on the validation of others and attention from men. Pathetic I know! Attention makes me feel happy. So I’ve been looking up tons of youtube videos on this topic so that I can learn about it and I’m also resisting the urge to dial someone up. It’s not that I still don’t want attention, I do. It’s just that I am not shy about this, if I want something then I can manipulate a situation and make it happen. My issue with this is that I want an authentic connection and I have to have patience to let that unfold naturally. If I make something happen it is happening out of my loneliness and lack of comfortability to be alone. It’s like a drug where I get a temporary high but what goes up also comes down. I want to be happy alone and with someone else. I want to master myself and it’s fucking hard! I honestly feel like this is a lesson from the universe to be at peace with myself. I want to have control over my life and not have it be dictated by the opinions of others. I also want someone who is in alignment with me and I realize I have a lot of unique interests. Wow, I just wrote a lot of I want sentences, lol.
Another area where I feel like I am getting a lot of opinions is on the topic of polyamory. There are lots of people for it and lots of people against it. How do I feel about it? I feel like polyamory is triggering my shadow self and forcing me to look at my own dark side and it’s uncomfortable. Does that mean that the experience is not worth it? In my opinion, I am learning at a rapid rate about myself. Polyamory is presenting one situation after another for me to master through relationships. I actually love relating with others and I don’t want to stop. It doesn’t mean that it’s easy but as I continue on this path and as I continue to learn more, it is getting easier and easier to love people without attachment. When things come up for me, as they have consistently, then I have an opportunity to better myself. Nobody said growth was going to be easy.
The other day I had a friend over and she was listening to dating videos from the girl perspective. I was just thinking about how the guy videos say don’t date a woman with kids and don’t date someone who wants a meal ticket but get sex and the girl videos say don’t have sex right away or the man doesn’t respect you. The girl videos talk about how we should make the guys court us, etc, etc, etc, then we know they really care. I think about this social programming that guys and girls are receiving and I see how both sides are holding out and both sides are not getting what they are looking for completely. I think there has to be some kind of compromise and everything is not completely black and white. I also think these videos are not helpful because every situation is different and we should independently make our own decisions instead of following a template of dating rules. These dating rules limit us from all the possibilities out there in my opinion.
My parents have been on a cruise throughout Asia and have been cruising instead of using a nursing home because my mom says that it’s cheaper. Well, they are getting kicked off the ship because of my dad’s Alzheimer’s and he keeps defecating himself. My older brother is in the middle of construction on his house to have a section made for my parents. I’m the only other one in Florida. They are selling their house, it closes Jan 22nd. So, I offered for them to stay here. They could stay at my brother Brent’s house in Chicago as well. I might completely regret this as my mom and I fight all the time. We actually never resolved our past fight where we didn’t talk for over a year. For me the hard part is that I still love my parents, and I don’t want them to pass like this. I want us to get along and to be there for them in the same way that they have been there for me. I will have to find an assisted living situation for my dad. I wonder if this would be good for my mom as well. My mom can stay at my house until my house sells or until my older brother’s house is finished. Whatever is first, please hurry construction people! This is going to be incredibly hard because their health is very poor for both of them and they have a lot of trips to the hospital. They are barely 70 and they suffer incredibly with their health. Their poor health has been a huge reason why I have wanted to be a healer. I can’t stand watching them suffer. My mother’s health has been poor since I was 17 when she had a botched hysterectomy and they accidentally cut her colon during surgery.
The other night I let my kids sleep in bed with me. I have to be careful to allow them to do this because they will want to sleep with me every night if I let them. They have been busy at school and I have wanted to be affectionate with them and give them a little extra love. When they were babies I slept with them. I read a book called Creating Healthy Children through Attachment Parenting and Raw Foods. The concept is that the child is so secure with the parents love for them that they choose to leave the nest earlier because they have extra confidence. I think there needs to be some kind of compromise with this as well or mommy and daddy never have alone time. Anyway, I let them sleep with me and I have to say from a mother’s perspective, nothing is better than holding your babies and cuddling with them. They are so precious and I treasure this time. I know they will grow up and this will all come to an end so occasionally I let them cuddle with me. They fit perfectly in my arms and love being help and loved on. We went to Walmart to buy Christmas presents. I let them pick out their own gifts and we wrap presents together today. They love the whole process, the buying and picking out, the wrapping and the waiting till Christmas day to open them with constant pleas to open one present early. I giggle at their excitement and joy for the holidays. They are the best and we often say to each other, “I’m so glad you are here”. Sometimes being a mommy is super challenging but overall they are my angels motivating me to get my life in order so that I can be a good role model for them. Most of all, I’m so glad they are in my life. Many blessings my lovelies. Until next time as the alarm goes off. I finally get to open my eyes and see the light. I think, I am so blessed to be where I am in my life. I love all the ups and downs and I think…what a ride it has been!