Today I meditate for 45 minutes. I missed a few days and was really busy with yoga teacher training weekend and selling different things in my house that I felt like I needed extra time to stop and to process all the information. I sit on my couch in my living room with my feet on the floor, straight spine. I think about all the spiritual development that I’m going through lately. I’ve been making so many hard decisions lately and doing things to simplify my life. I feel alone and for now, I’m ok with it.
The other night I woke up around 3am because I couldn’t sleep. I went to sit in my living room to read and started to hear a lot of scratching in my walls. What the heck?!!! Then it stopped and then the scratching moved to another wall. OMG!!!!! Then it stops and starts and I am thinking there are mice in my walls! I called two pest exterminators and one guy went into my attic and quoted me $1740! He said there were mice and rats in my ceiling. I was totally freaking out. Just the word rat freaks me out. knowing that the only thing separating us was a piece of drywall gives me chills. I was also flipping out over the price quote to irradiate the issue. I called a second pest guy and he quoted me $700! What the heck? How can it be a full $1000 cheaper? The second guy simply seemed more honest and so I go with him. I am trying to sell the house and I want any issues taken care of so that nothing gets in the way of the sale. I totally think this sucks because I don’t want to spend anymore money on the house, especially if it is not cosmetic.
Next my mind wanders to my friend in teacher training who is looking to change her life and she is thinking of moving to Santa Barbara California. I am thinking, TAKE ME WITH YOU! I used to live there and as far as I’m concerned, it’s the best city in California. The mountains are right on the ocean so the city can only grow so big and it has beautiful Spanish plazas and architecture. I love the flowers in Santa Barbara and the scenery is absolutely stunning. The weather is 74 degrees year round so it’s always pleasant. I think about my old life there. I dated a super beautiful surfer guy and his family lived on the Riviera and would often invite us to dinner parties at this gorgeous house that over looked the city. It was a very fun part of my life and sometimes I think, why did I leave? I will say that it is extremely expensive and that was a huge part of leaving. Fun times.
As I’m sitting in my house, downsizing and selling it, a part of me is mad that I’m doing it alone. I always wanted a partner in life, like a real partner where we grow our lives together. We help raise each other up, co-create and have synergy working together to create an awesome life together. A life were we plan for travel, take care of the house and kids together and love each other like crazy. This house was a part of me trying to build that dream with my ex and selling it is like letting go of that dream. I worked so hard to update it and decorate it in a way that is beautiful and a happy place for me. I didn’t realize how attached I was to it. After I sell it I want to move closer to Orlando so that I’m not so far in the country. I want access to more yoga studios, schools, clients and a social life. It sucks to let go of that something you worked so hard for and start over. Another part of me feels complete relief to get rid of it as well as anxiety about where do I move to. I can handle this. I’ve been doing this the whole time alone, even though there was an illusion that someone else was there. I’m finding my courage, somehow. Waaaaaahhhhh!
I don’t have kids tonight and I’m tempted to call someone to come over yet I resist the urge. I’m feeling like I need to completely stop everything and be with myself. I plan to use this time to read and do self study. I have lots of homework to do before the next yoga teacher training along with my own self study that I’ve been obsessed with.
My back gets achy and I wonder why did I decide to do 45 minutes instead of 30! I want to get up. I hear the washing machine stop and I have an urge to change it. I think of things to do and want to stop and do them. I resist and stay in the meditation but I do check the time, 13 more minutes! This feel like an eternity but I also know I can do this. Love. How can I love more, better and also protect my own spirit? After teacher training, I realize how fragile we all are and every one of us is dealing with something. How can we all treat each other better and how can I be more sensitive and loving? I’m trying. I am doing the work and I already feel the benefits. So much peace and love for you all. Time to get into alignment. Peace.