Hello my lovelies,
I wake up at 7am, and I hear my diva cup and fly out of bed to go empty it before it can possibly leak on the bed. Yes, it’s that time of the month. I take care of business and go in my living room, sit on my ottoman with my feet on the ground and meditate. This is my favorite position to meditate because when I’m cross legged, my feet fall asleep.
My kid’s daddy came home yesterday and picked up the kids. We talked and I had a chance to talk about the feelings that I’ve been wrestling with. It felt good to communicate. I told him I was feeling jealousy and he simply said, if I want to go on a trip with him sometime then just let him know. I was able to feel these feelings and witness them and not react. Instead I talked about them, saying this is how I’m feeling and asked questions like why am I feeling this way. Am I really upset that he went out of town? Not really. I have an opportunity to go to Chicago in Dec for Christmas and I don’t want to go because I don’t enjoy the snow and I know everyone will have limited days off of work so there won’t be a lot of visiting time anyway. I would rather go in the summer. There is just this egotistical side of me that wants to be first, feel special like I’m more important to him than someone else. This desire to be special is what causes my suffering. If we are really ONE then I’m no better than anyone else. I am careful to process this stuff with others because I see the wounded side of them and I see their triggers. I see that they also have a lot of healing to do as we all do and in order to make the best decisions then I need to make those alone. Isn’t it funny how that word keeps coming up, alone. I notice that whatever I resist is exactly where I need to go on my journey of unfolding. I am resisting being alone but I think that’s exactly what I need to continue to evolve my soul.
I have been slipping on my meditation project a few days. It’s mostly because I’ve been processing a lot of feelings lately and I needed extra time to think about them. I’ve been learning so much lately, it’s incredible. I’ve been reading all about Tantra and it’s so similar to all the principals of yoga. I already know this stuff. I learned it in my yoga teacher trainings. Now I’m learning it deeper. I have yoga teacher training this upcoming weekend. I love these weekends, learning and bonding with the other teachers. It’s a time for a lot of growth.
I am thankful. I have a beautiful life overall. I am evolving spiritually. I am able to witness my emotions and communicate. I am growing like crazy. I really love all the things happening to me because they are forcing me to break free and come into the fullest expression of myself. Why do we resist this unfolding of ourselves? Do we not like change? Is it because of the fear of the unknown? I think it’s all of the above. I feel myself becoming more present and surrendering to the unknown. I’m learning to go with it and I’m stopping my pre-conceived notions of what the unknown should look like. I surrender to the unknown and trust that everything that is happening to me is to help evolve my soul. For some reason my soul needs these experiences to grow, to learn, to see more clearly and to find happiness. Life is beautiful, even the dark side of our lives. When we work through our darkness then we come into our higher consciousness. I’m feeling that higher consciousness now. Bliss. I’m thankful for my dark side and I’m learning to be friends with it. It’s the wounded side of me that needs extra love instead of being afraid of it. Don’t ignore this dark side, embrace it, love it. I think of how I can nurture this side, explore it fully and love it deeply with as much care as I can give it. This is the ultimate expression of self care. Learning to heal ourselves through our shadows, through our pain and re-claiming our lost souls. Our soul is there, sometimes it simply gets lost with all our cultural conditioning and our desire to please. We sometimes need to step outside of our culture and be alone at least temporarily so that we can re-claim ourselves. Find what was once lost and celebrate our differences instead of worrying about fitting in. In the process we honor our true self instead of betraying ourselves. In the process, we learn to live fearlessly with confidence. In the process, we get to learn ourself thoroughly. I am learning who I really am for the first time in my life. It feels so scary, raw and vulnerable but it’s truth and truth is what I’m seeking.