Hello Beautiful People,
Today I meditate in my living room with a banana mango smoothie at my footstep. It’s cold outside. I dress in warm comfortable cloths and begin. I am from Chicago and it is WAY colder up there this time of the year. It’s so uncomfortably cold up there this time of the year that I really dread going back home for the holidays to visit. The idea of being indoors all day long or go outside and freeze seems dreadful. I don’t care what anyone says, you never get used to the cold, you just deal with it. I want to visit everyone up north but wonder how I can avoid the visit and go during a warmer time of the year. I am selling my house and if there is activity on it then I will have to stay. We will wait and see. We would drive so I can decide last minute if I’d like. All I know is that I’m freezing here in Florida and I don’t like it and it’s way worse up there.
My partner left with his friend to visit Chicago this weekend and I am watching the kids alone for 4 days. A part of me feels betrayed that he’s taking someone else back home to visit despite the cold weather. I know I don’t own Chicago, but I have a lot of family there and ever since we had kids, I have been the first person to get left behind so that someone watches children while he plays with his friends. They were my friends too at one time. I also spent a lot of time with these people. Is this just my ego? If it is then I’m wrestling with it big time. I notice that when I feel hurt I retreat completely. I pull away from someone all together. That is how I’ve felt lately, withdrawn. I don’t dwell on this long because it is out of my control and I don’t see any point in it other that I have an awareness. I especially notice it because I feel myself doing it with others.
I did a thai yoga workshop at my house yesterday for some friends. One of the girls was telling me about an old partner of hers. One thing I noticed was that she said he was “mine”. I think about “mine” and ownership over someone or in my situation ownership over a place. This ownership is possessiveness and in the yamas of yoga there is a philosophy called, aparigraha or non-possessiveness. This possessiveness creates suffering. What we possess, possesses us. I think about simple language tools to help our minds think more non-possessive. For example when we introduce someone we know we often say, “this is MY friend” or “MY husband” or “My boyfriend”. The use of the word MY is possessive. Instead we can say, “this is Suzy, a friend” or something like that. Now, I’m now very good at this but it is something that I think about, notice in other people’s language and try to incorporate to avoid that feeling of possessiveness. I’m working on using less labels, ex: husband, boyfriend as I also notice these are loaded words with a lot of expectations behind them.
I shift to thinking about pranayama or breath work in my yoga choreography. In the past I have become a fan of a challenging fast yoga flow. There is nothing wrong with this but I am noticing that when I slow down, my breath work is richer. I think about choreography that is new or interesting to me and about slowing the transitions down to find that rich breath and to be more present. As I sit in my meditation, I breath in long full breaths and exhale long full breaths. I sit tall and it feels effortless.
I didn’t change the laundry. I have an urge to get up and do it immediately and then I resist thinking pratyahara, sense removal and stay focused on my meditation. I think back to the beginning of the time when I first started to enjoy writing. It was my freshman year in college. I went to University of Illinois Urbana/Champaign and an old boyfriend went to University of Iowa. He was from my home town so I knew him from high school. We dated 4 years apart and I fell completely madly in love with him. We used to write emails when the internet was just coming out and we wrote letters. I used to decorate my letters with different color puffy paint, perfume and lipstick. Inside I would write using different color ink on every like. Sometimes we would make each other tape mixes of our favorite songs and I would listen to them over and over again. He would also write me the most beautiful letters that I treasured and kept for a very long time until my parents sold their house and it was time to let go. Sometimes we would send flowers or candy or he sent me a singing gorilla on my birthday, always with a sweet special note. It was a beautiful time of my life, being in love and so happy. I loved being with him and couldn’t wait to see him every chance I could get. It was the first time I expressed myself through writing and is probably still the reason why I love it so much. I don’t do it now as much simply because of time and the lack of it, especially being a mother and a small business owner.
This morning I race kids off to school. I have a hard time finding Pepper’s uniform and I feel irritated that her room is a mess and that things aren’t organized. The kids are often crabby in the morning and Pepper wet the bed again!!! Ahhhhh! She is potty trained but she has been having issues lately. I watch her liquids before she goes to bed and make sure she goes before she sleeps but she sleeps heavy. She asks if she can sleep with me and I say no way. I don’t like to wake up to someone peeing on me:). Honestly I love sleeping with the kids but if I sleep with them one time then they want to sleep with me every night and it’s hard to get them back into their own room.
I love my mornings like this empty house, quiet time, creative time. Timer goes off.
Until next time…