Right before I do my meditation and the night before I start my Tantra training. I have books of the topic but instead I choose to start by watching videos to gain a grasp of the concept and then go deeper with the readings. I notice that if you think about something right before a meditation then you can focus your meditations on a particular thought. Right now I’m thinking about aligning my consciousness with universal consciousness. What does that look like? How do you go about doing that? And once I’ve achieved it then how do I know I’m there? They mention in the videos that the only way to universal happiness is to get into alignment with universal consciousness. Service is mentioned in the videos to reach a higher consciousness. What would be my service? What do I have to offer? Another aspect of Tantra that I learn is to control our animal instincts, our desires? I think about how this relates to the open relationship that I have been in. I think about how the attachments to people and our possessiveness leads to suffering. I see how less labels and less rules the better because these things are ways of us trying to control our future instead of living each moment in the moment. The less we try to know the unknown the better. This way things that we could not have possibly predicted become a possibility for us and we begin to find flow in our lives. As I watch the tantra videos, I notice how I am already practicing tantra through my yoga practice, I just didn’t put it together. Tantra is often mistaken only for the sexual aspects but the bigger picture is often missed. Simply practicing the 8 Limbs of Yoga for example is already practicing tantra. I have so much more to learn and it is exciting. I’m learning at a faster rate than I ever have in my life because I have a real hunger and thirst for it. Adding in this meditation practice is allowing me to learn from within instead of only reading books. I see how I can tap into this inner source and allow God to speak through me, create through me and align me. All I need to do is surrender and trust and find the quiet. Learn to listen better, talk less and observe. I love how tantra says that if you don’t get what you want in life then that was simply not on your path to higher consciousness. It takes the offensiveness out of life as you simply try to find your path and stop resisting the path that has been closed off to you. It’s all our inner guidance.
I notice energetically a shift in the way people act towards me now that I’ve moved out on my own. I feel approval and as if things have opened up for me in a way. I feel the pressure to conform to the way that the majority of society lives. This is good, that is bad. This is the right choice, that is the bad choice. It’s like I can hear the judge of society all around me. I’m the same person. I’m still a human being trying to do my best in life. I want room to explore freely through trial and error and not have to live up to others expectations. It’s as if I’m playing a chess game and the strategy of my life and my game has changed simply by the change in my relationship. I think about how we learn so much from our relationships. Why is this person in my life? What am I here to learn from them, about them and most importantly about myself? I notice how I have a lot of questions and I’m trying to figure them out. This is the fun part. All of these questions point us into a direction in life. Where is it taking me? I don’t know but I’m honestly enjoying the ride, the things that still trigger me and the past wounds that I have yet to heal.
I think back to that cruise ship, The Amsterdam on Holland America to a lady in her 80’s or 90’s named Dolly. This woman was terribly cruel to me and the kids. I remember being up on the pool deck trying to order drinks for the kids and I and I was holding River but Pepper wanted to run. She is only 3 and has an excitement for life that is insatiable. She won’t sit still and runs off. I’m hoping the waiter hurries but it seems to take a long time. I turn around and see Pepper hopping from one empty lawn chair to the other, back and forth on the deck. I am alone and I have no-one to help me and feel stuck. At first I think, no-one is up here anyway except a few people and Pepper is not getting hurt so who cares. Dolly says Pepper’s behavior is appalling and from that moment was very negative to us. She would often say to me, “She’s not supposed to be up there”, “This is not a place for kids”. She would scowl at us and often talk negative and loudly about us so we could hear but pretend like we couldn’t. One time when we were at port and waiting my the curb for a cab, she was on one side of us and looking for her friend. They would snicker and say go around right in front of us and loudly. I would watch Dolly hunker down like a witch and do a large half moon shape walk far around us and make it to her friends and say how she made it. This behavior was very passive aggressive and very childlike. I think it’s strange to watch this older woman act so immature and consciously try to hurt someone, especially children. I hated Dolly. She was my nemesis on the cruise. It didn’t matter if I tried to be nice to her, which I did often try to be the bigger person and say hello. She wanted nothing to do with me and I couldn’t do anything about it. She acted like my children were germs and they could somehow pollute her. There was a part of me that loved Pepper’s innocence as she wants to play and explore on the ship. Pepper happened to be an expert swimmer at only 3 years old. There was a running track around the pool and one day people stopped and screamed at Pepper diving at the bottom of the pool. Pepper would often clean the pool on the ship of all the stuff on the bottom with her diving skills. This scared someone on the running track as they thought she drowned. Of course I was limited to sitting next to the pool and couldn’t go in because River wasn’t allowed in the pool at 1 because he was still in diapers. Pepper had energy, lots of it and she needed to release it. If she wanted to swim in that pool then I was going to let her. I felt a protectiveness to protect her vibrant spirit as I felt the repression of people on the ship such as Dolly. Pepper was amazing and there was a certain part of me that enjoyed her infectious joy for life as she ruffled others feathers. I felt like these people would be happier in life if they weren’t so rigid and repressed. Of course I see compromise and as a parent I was constantly trying to in a positive way teach her. Every mistake I simply look at as a learning opportunity. Watching Pepper grow was exciting and I wanted some of her enthusiasm in life. She was my inspiration because she wasn’t worried about what anyone else thought of her. She simply lived. She lived life to the fullest and she was joyful. She had a mentor on the ship Jeffrey. He was a larger black man in his 30’s who was her teacher in the kids club. He was amazing with her. He listened to her. He created with her. He loved her. I have so much love for the way that man was able to help my child. He was my friend on the ship and understood and felt compassion for the way I was being treated. Not only by Dolly but may others as well. If we really are one then how come we can’t love our children as much as we love an adult. They are smarter than us. We can learn a lot from them and I want to be around people who embrace their beauty. At the end of the ship I find out that Dolly had children or knew children that she was close with who died. I know this was why she treated me and the kids the way she did. I felt compassion for her and understood but I was still hurt by her.
Anyway, I’m off to go to work. Until tomorrow.