I’m so tired today. I stayed up till 2am talking with a friend. If I didn’t have to work and teach yoga the next day at 8am then I could have stayed up all night laughing and goofing around. Responsibilities, ugh. I make it to the studio, teach a class and take the following class. It felt so good to flow in class and push myself even though I was tired. I’ve been slacking and I’ve been having a harder time taking class. I come home and ride my bike while the kids scooter to the neighborhood park and we have a blast playing on the beach, catching mini clams, watching schools of minnows and I rest. The weather is beautiful, the sun warms my body and I reminisce about all the fun times of yesterday until sand flies in my face. For some reason Pepper throws sand on me. I stay calm and explain to her that I don’t like that. My sweet baby apologizes and we hug. I don’t get angry because she is learning and only 6. I make a point to be present and to love her unconditionally. The kids make it over to the play ground and play imaginary Halo games for an hour. I’m amazed by their imaginations, lack of judgement and the fluidity of their imaginary games. They giggle and laugh while they climb ladders, hang on poles, slip down slides, play dead and swap imaginary Halo guns.
We make it back to the house where I feed them longan’s, mangos and soup. They are calm, worn out and happy. My son says “mommy, you da best mommy. I luv you.”. My heart bursts. I give him the biggest hug and kiss him everywhere while he giggles. I’ve been told to slow down by many people and so I do, for them and for myself. Today I rest.
I give them their tablets, River watches Halo on tv and they rest after so much active play. I sneak into my bedroom, close the door, sit in front of the window, set the timer and meditate. Bliss. What I’ve been dreading is now what I crave. I dreaded meditating and I didn’t appreciate the value of it. In the past, if no action was taking place and then I considered it useless. I see how this precious quiet space is a vessel for God to speak through me. I have a sincere desire meditate and I respect for its importance. For me, the constant do’er, this activity of stillness has become my golden 30 minutes. The task of witnessing my thoughts and writing about them is helping me understand where my growth is needed.
With my eyes closed, I think about the wizard that I met at the drum circle last night. In a previous meditation I saw visions of a wizard and a little boy in a forest and that magic is real. Now, I meet someone who calls himself a wizard and I believe him. He knows how to read my cerebral mind and tells me to stop and find stillness. He says this is where all my growth will happen. All these distractions that I have while I meditate are my opportunities to work through the distractions and stay meditating even while they happen. For example, last time I meditated, a dog threw up and was eating his throw up. He says, instead of getting up to let the dog out, it is my work to sit through it. Ugh! Now that’s a challenge. He says think of Buddha who had a mosquito biting him while meditating and he maintains his stillness. We talk for a long time but don’t connect on a deep level until we stop talking and simply look into each other’s eyes for ten minutes. Electricity happens and through this connection, energy flows all throughout my body. We smile at the end, because we both felt each other and are somehow bonded. I leave and go home to hang with my out of town friend who chats with me all night.
I think of the kids playing at the beach and park and reminisce about their joy while they played. My daughter walks into the room while I meditate and asks me to open her raspberry sherbet ice cream. She asks me what I am doing and I tell her I am meditating. What is that mommy? It’s where I sit in a quiet room and close my eyes while staying awake. She leaves and my mind races to a memory of my father. Deja Vu. I remember walking into the basement at our old house in Schaumburg, IL and he was meditating. I must have been around 10. He was embarrassed and jumped up and stopped. I remember this was something very private for him. I remember asking him what it was and I don’t completely remember what he said but I think it was something about creating happiness. My dad was a very depressed and lonely man. He never really overcame his depression. Next my mind jumps to my daughters bedroom where she has all his stuffed animals. When I would stay at his house in The Villages he had stuffed animals everywhere. He used to say that they were his friends and they would talk to him and they were watching him. He named one stuffed animal Betsy the Cow and had a voice and a personality for this stuffed animal. My mother and him used to fight so much when we grew up. Bad fights where the police were called. He used to drink a six pack a night. It was mostly my mom who would be yelling at everyone. She was over worked and tired, so was he. My mom had five children and her PHD before she was 29. The stuffed animals remind me of how lonely he was, busy raising so many kids and in a dysfunctional marriage. He escaped through this childlike play as an adult. He had so many trauma in his life and didn’t know how to talk through his pain. I know he didn’t know how to process his feelings because nobody in our family did. There was a lot of yelling, fighting, violence and hurt feelings. Somewhere in the middle of that was love. I love my dad so much. He did so many nice things for me. He is sick with Alzheimer’s and gone on a cruise in Asia. My mother says it’s cheaper than a nursing home. He is having incontinence issues and cries and my mom has her own struggling health issues has to take care of him. My heart breaks for his fear and anxiety. I wish I could take that away from him so he could find peace in his final years.
I remember more because I write immediately after my meditation. My leg tingles and I lengthen it while I sit up tall. I feel gratitude because I have been making lots of new connections in my life, meaningful ones. I feel happy that I am making new friends who are helping me process all my emotions. My 300 hour yoga teacher training is challenging me as my teacher pierces my heart with growth. She encourages me to process my traumas. I cry so much during training. I’m blessed to be able to do this, to heal. Somehow I am finding so many spiritual connections. Each one has been giving me a piece or a next step to transcend me deeper and deeper into my truth. Where does my fear sneak in? Where do I slip out of my authenticity? How can I live my life unapologetically while I fiercely search for my soul which somehow seems lost. I am loving all the colors that each of these beautiful people bring to my life. My life is developing a richness that I haven’t had before. Joy. Bliss. Love.
The alarm goes off. Goodbye, besos!