Do you ever have days when you are just angry? Today I wake up to get my kids ready for school and then take my mom to the doctor’s to get an Endoscopy. I am tired and I have to wait in the doctor’s office for her for about 3 hours. I have a lot of stuff to do and this isn’t how I wanted to spend my time. The night before I felt overwhelmed with requests from the three people that I’m taking care of in my life. It literally felt like I couldn’t sit down and I couldn’t do everything they wanted fast enough. I have some time to work at home but I’m interrupted a lot which makes it hard to focus. I didn’t get the kids to bed on time despite my efforts. I really needed more sleep but didn’t sleep well.
I had a dream about an old friend from college whom I loved dearly who betrayed me. In the dream I was begging her to talk to me because it was a misunderstanding. I opened up to her about some sensitive feelings and energy that I felt coming from another friend towards me. She told my other friend everything I told her and both girls stopped talking to me. They ended our friendship which really hurt me because I had a rocking family life and I used to rely on my friends for support. I had a conflict between feeling angry for being betrayed and a deep sadness because I loved these people. I missed their friendship. I think that if we could talk then they would see it was a misunderstanding. They won’t answer when I reach out to them. I have to let it go. It hurt. I woke up suddenly from the dream at 3:30am and couldn’t sleep afterwards. Why did I dream about this now? 10+ years later? Nothing is a coincidence.
I wrestle to go back to sleep and can’t. I try to meditate laying down just to settle my mind. I can feel thoughts scatter sporadically as I am frustrated. I turn on youtube to watch Michael Beckwith. I am not a big church goer but I would go to his church in LA in a heartbeat. I wish I could go there and meet him. He inspires me and I feel aligned with so much that he teaches. Maybe I need to start a church like his in Florida. I’m comforted by his videos and they help settle down this frustration and anger inside of me as I attempt to process my feelings. I posted his video at the bottom of this post.
I go out to eat with my mom after her endoscopy and come home. I feel angry that my mom doesn’t take more responsibility for her health and I’m scared for her. I meditate for 30 minutes and the combination of resting, the sun and the stillness already makes me feel better. As I meditate I am asking for creativity and manifestation. How can I manifest this beautiful life? Am I on the right track? If so then how can I speed it up because it’s going slower than I would like. I have two more months of my 300 hour yoga teacher training left and I read Hand of Light about auras. I look up this author as I often do on youtube. I like to see a face to the writing and also listen to the person talk on the topic to speed up my comprehension of the topic. As I meditate I think about my auras. I saw indigo today with violet bleeding into it. Then that would disappear and green would surround the border. No colors stuck too long. I would see them for a moment and they were gone. Occasionally I would see a tiny rainbow. Gone. I get up and get ready to do some work. I feel grounded once again.
As I go inside my house I recall an incident that happened in my yoga teacher training. My teacher was teaching us about auras and had us in a meditation while sitting against the wall. She was calling out colors for us to see. I don’t always have control over what colors I see in my auras. She called out purple and I was seeing nothing but a bright red. I was trying to change it to purple and couldn’t. In the middle of the meditation she asked another student interpret the color but said they were distracted because somebody was still on red. This spooked me out. I apologized but was also totally perplexed that she knew someone was stuck on red. Only I really knew that I was stuck on red. How did she know? This is one of the reasons why I am fascinated by multi-sensory perception.
I go inside and look up anger online. It’s not always bad to feel anger. A lot of times I try to repress my anger because I want to be happy, positive and I want everyone to get along. I read a blog about how anger can be an empowering gift. It’s the universe telling me things. It’s ok to feel all my emotions, even the ones that are considered bad. I’m relieved to read this as it’s not easy to deny my feelings. Anger can be telling me that something doesn’t feel right. It can be used as a guide. Something needs to change. Maybe my boundaries are being crossed. Maybe this is residual emotions that have been buried and simply need to come out. Maybe I need to just allow myself to feel it fully and let it go. Peace out beautiful people. Do you ever get anger? If so let me know, what makes you angry? I love you. Thank you for listening!