Hello beautiful people, I have to write about the good news too! The good news is that I just finished my 300 Hour Yoga Teacher training!!! Hooray! I'm super excited about finishing this amazing course with our teacher Shelly Kwiatkouski from Hot House Yoga in Ormond Beach. Shelly drove in from out of town one weekend a month to One Yoga & Fitness in Clermont for almost a year! We focused on anatomy, the chakras, Bhagavad Gita, Yoga Sutras, energy healings, sequencing, adjusting, assisting, breathing, meditating and breaking our hearts open so we could heal. It has been a wild healing journey for me. I walked into the yoga teacher training just wanting to do a handstand, lol! I had no idea what I was in for. We spent Fridays 5-9, Saturdays 8am-8pm and Sundays 8am-5pm working on our skills. This was a deep journey for me because I walked into this yoga training feeling like I already did so much self healing work that I thought I was done. I didn't know how much more I had to go. Every weekend I walked into the room with these girls just wanting to not cry and hold my shit together. Every weekend I unraveled and sobbed my heart out. It seemed like the tears wouldn't end. I didn't realize how broken and hurt I was. This beautiful and amazing group of people listened, held my hand and supported me while I healed one aspect of my life at a time. I'll be forever grateful for this beautiful experience of love and friendship. It wasn't an easy process for me but I needed it and I didn't know I needed it. After every weekend I would research videos on spiritual growth like I was hungry for it. I felt like it was the only way to find happiness for me so I was willing to work. I want a happy life. Shelly has a way of pushing your buttons in order to jump you forward and get you out of old patterns. It was uncomfortable at times because I didn't always agree but I did always respect the other opinion and I meditated on everything. I'm glad that I did it.
I selfishly wanted to do teacher training with Shelly because I loved her sequencing. I rallied some recruits together and told Gina the owner at One Yoga that we needed to do this training after it was originally passed over a few months back. I thought we could get enough people. She agreed and I invited some of these beautiful souls to go on this journey with me. 2 people didn't finish but they helped so much as well during the time that they were there. Shelly is an advanced teacher and while she claims that anatomy isn't her strength, it's definitely a strong point for her. She can choreograph a routine that twists you into all sorts of challenging shapes while she creatively stimulates your brain leaving you wondering what the heck will come next. After one of her classes your body aches for that savasana as you think what just happened. I would think "ok, I've seen it all" with her but she seemed to have an endless supply of tricks in her goody bag, keeping you wanting to know what else does she got. Let's just say, 14 plus years of yoga experience leaves you with a big goody bag. Shelly has super long hair down to her butt and somehow she can teach a class while demo'ing everything without messing all that hair up. She twists it into a bun, teaches and let's it all flow down as if nothing happened afterwards. Of course I don't have a picture with Shelly to show you but I'll get one:)
When you finish a 200 hour yoga teacher training then you can teach yoga. After a 300 hour yoga teacher training and your 200 hour yoga teacher training then you are a full 500 hour yoga teacher with Yoga Alliance and you can teach teachers. I've also got a 100 hour training for Bikram, 40 hours for a hot training and 60 hours for thai yoga training too. All this training can get expensive! I'm done with the big trainings for now. I'm very excited for all that has yet to come and I feel a grounding that I haven't felt in a long time. Something is anchoring me down while the chaos of life swirls around me. I found peace.
Namaste beautiful yogis. If you haven't tried my private Assisted Thai Yoga treatment then what the heck are you waiting for? I promise it will be a very therapeutic healing experience that will help you feel blissful afterwards. It's better than a massage in my opinion and if you haven't tried it then you haven't lived yet:) . It's the ultimate in self care. I'm teaching classes at One Yoga & Fitness in Clermont, FL. I would love to see you on the mat. Yoga is for everybody so please don't feel intimidated if you've never tried it before. I just did a thai session with a girl who said she couldn't climb stairs because the arthritis in her knees hurt her so bad. Yoga helped to heal her knees and now she has no issues climbing stairs. That is amazing. That is why I do what I do. That is something that I want to give to everyone:) . Come see me and let's work on it together:) . I offer privates if you don't like being in a big group setting. Much love to you all. Peace out beautiful people! I have a feeling that life is going to get good. Yes I have so much going on with taking care of my parents but I'm happy to do it despite the stress that I feel at times. This doesn't mean that I don't have a bad day, because I do. When I get super stressed out I think to myself. All I have to do is stop. Yes it's that simple. Stop. Find the quiet and listen. I love you. I hope you feel inspired to invest in yourself because you are worth it.
Alzheimer's is such a devastating disease for everyone involved. The other day my father was evicted from Benton House Assisted Living in Clermont because he was violent with staff. He twisted a caretaker's arms twice and punched a caretaker in the ear after a diaper change. It happened with a night nurse that I never met before so I don't really know what happened other than word of mouth. I have never witnessed any of this violence in any way from him but more than one person has told me and it is a known side affect of the disease so I believe it. When I see him, he seems so unstable and weak getting up and down that it seems hard for me to see him having the strength to hurt someone. I'm sure he was being sedated at Evergreen Manor in Safety Harbor, FL to help make his behavior more manageable. It's tough to know he is healthier not being sedated but I also understand that he can't be hurting staff. There has to be a balance with the medication so that he is only getting the minimum amount to keep him manageable. After what happened, I understand that his medication will need to be increased. I spent the night looking up Alzheimer's and violence. It is usually caused by fear. The best way to handle it is to try to alleviate their fear. The fear could have been from past traumas, the current situation or fear from a change in surroundings because Alzheimer's affects the short term memory where the long term memory is still available. A person with Alzheimer's can get confused, disoriented and scared in a new place because they can't remember the new place or why they are there or who the new people are that they are surrounded by. I wonder how much staff is trained on Alzheimer's and violence to help alleviate the patients fear to prevent violent outbursts. If a staff member is short or impatient during a diaper change then yes, this could create a fearful situation especially for my father as he is so unstable with standing. He is afraid to fall.
We were able to move him to Crain's Lodge in Clermont thankfully and they have the possibility of converting over to medicaid after 18 months where Benton House didn't have that option. It's really an emotional roller coaster with worry that I have over the situation. I worry that he will get kicked out of his new home. I worry about the cost. I worry about the medication being too much or too little. I worry about my mother's illness with Parkinson's. I worry about raising my children in a way where they don't have to worry or feel the worry that I'm feeling. I normally write everyday but I was frozen with anxiety. I couldn't sleep well at night and then I was exhausted during the day. I had to ask my neighbor to help me move my father's furniture out of Benton House and into Crain's Lodge. He forgot his tools so I'm asking staff to see if maintenance has a power drill and a wrench. I quickly move as I also have my 4 year old with me. I ask him to follow me back and forth to the car. Thankfully it's only a few trips. I load up my mother's car with all of his personal belongings and I drive to Crain's Lodge. We unload everything and I keep accidentally trying to leave the facility without the nurse buzzing me out and I set off the alarm. The facility is on lockdown with memory care because patients are escape risks. I move everything into Crain's Lodge with my son following me back and forth having to ring the doorbell each time and scanned out each time. I'm so lucky that my son is such a sweet boy and listened the whole time. The staff also helped me and they were great too. They run to their maintenance department and get a drill and a wrench for me. I put together the bed with the maintenance man and on my way out my son screams some of his full out soprano screams. "What is the matter?" I say. "He says he's mad at me because that's his bed and he says that he doesn't love me anymore." He's only 4 and I know he doesn't know what he's saying so I pick him up and talk sweet to him and tell him that we will buy him a better bed. I hold him but he refuses my hugs. I feel frustration with trying to help and keeping everyone happy. My mother has Parkinson's which is a form of dementia as well and she is on the verge of needing care. The cost of these facilities is outrageous. I drop off my son at his dad's house and go to work.
I teach my advanced yoga class. I have to admit, it wasn't my best class. It also wasn't the worst. My students are the best and even though I'm the teacher in the class, I'm learning from them. They work so hard and are always such good sports about trying something new. I'm glad I could push through teaching the class as I always feel so much better afterwards. I love connecting with my students. After I help to teach the high school class yoga. I could have gone home but I feel less stress at the yoga studio. We finish up at 8:30pm and I go home.
When I walk into the door I smell feces. I don't have any pets. My house is under construction with new flooring, kitchen and bath with handicap bars for my mom. She is sleeping in my daughter's room. I know she was exhausted as the day was hectic for her too. I tell her something smells and she hurries up and goes to the bathroom. Her stoma bag exploded. She had her colon removed due to Crohn's disease a few years ago and there is a lot of special care needed for a stoma. First of all, it has to be changed regularly and if there is gas then it needs to be released or the bag fills with gas. If you don't change it regularly then it explodes everywhere. My mom is in the bathroom cleaning up. She is half asleep. I run into the bedroom and change the sheets. Why did I keep all my father's stuffed animals? I have like 30 on the bed! Ahhhhh! I take everything off and rinse the spots before putting it in the washer. I rinse my mom's cloths and wash everything. I make the bed and leave the stuffed animals in the closet. My mom wants me to organize them but I'm exhausted. I have to help her change her stoma bag. She showers. Then, she holds paper towels over her small intestine that sticks out of her belly to prevent anything else from coming out. We have to put this putty around the stoma ring so that it seals the bag closed. Then we have to powder her intestine so it doesn't stick. It's hard for her to powder the bottom. Then we peel the back of the sticker off to stick the bag onto her belly. We go to bed exhausted. I'm glad my dad is moved and everything is taken care of, for now.
If you have it in you to say some prayers for my parents then please do so. Send them love, warmth, peace and anything else that can alleviate fear. I really believe that energetically we all can help in some way. My parents are just two people suffering with these awful diseases. Memory care is full at the assisted care facilities and there is a whole population of Alzheimer's patients and caretakers that also need some energetic love. From my perspective, the more you take care of yourself, the more you won't need help from your loved ones. My parents diet was what I call the SAD diet or Standard American Diet with processed foods, heavy animal products, dairy, fried foods, soda, sweets, alcohol, etc. There are many theories on the cause of this disease, round up, diet, clean water, etc. The one aspect that we do have control over is our diets. Nutrition plays a huge roll, no doubt in my mind. This is a newer disease in the era of fast, processed, genetically modified, drug & hormone induced food. I teach plant based nutrition because I know how much it helps to increase the autoimmune system to avoid autoimmune diseases. Everything I do is because of the love that I have for my parents and so that I can help prevent others from suffering.
I was trying to get my dad to look up in this photo but he wouldn't. People who know my dad in this picture would immediately see that he has lost a lot of weight. His checks are sunken in and typically my dad was chubby. He didn't start to gray for the longest time and it seems only within the past couple years that his hair has gotten more gray. He is starting to roll his lips under his teeth and I never saw him do that before. He will listen to me more than he will a caretaker. Today a caretaker tried to change his diaper and he got upset. I told him "it's ok dad, she is going to help you" and he calmed down. I walked into the bathroom with him to put him at ease and the caretaker expertly took off his depends and put a new one on with his pants around his ankles the whole time while he was standing. That was pretty good. She slipped it around his shoe and then up the pant legs and then did the pant leg first and then looped it around the shoe and then pulled them up. We try to go quickly to make it as easy on him as possible.
Today was my parents wedding anniversary but I didn't get a good photo of them. My mom took him to Target with her and then Benton House put flowers on the table and made a nice lunch for their wedding anniversary. My mom is hilarious. When you walk into this place, people are quiet and looking around a lot. There is some conversation but I'm sure that runs dry after you see the same people day on end. My mom makes announcements offering Italian Icee's for everyone. She bought two boxes at the store. She starts passing them out and the caretaker has to help her as some patients are diabetic and can't have it. River my son was all giggles in the home. Everyone is watching him and I think he enjoys the attention. He was sitting on bouncy balls and throwing them back and forth to me. We were laughing and playing. He comes by me and I kiss him everywhere and say "Why are you so yummy?" He has this crazy soprano scream so I have to be careful that he's not too loud. One of the caretakers says she just loves his laugh.
My dad walks and walks and walks circles around the place. He is restless and it is almost impossible to get him to sit down. He tries to open all the doors to the place and goes in other people's rooms. What is he looking for and why can't he sit down? Why does he like to move so much? Alzheimer's Disease is the worst if you ask me. The level of care that he needs is a lot. He's still in there and looks semi-healthy but his brain is gone. My mom and I both know that moves into a new facility are difficult so we visit everyday to help put him at ease. My mom took two trips today, all morning and the evening to help my dad adjust.
She really loves him and I can only imagine how hard it is for her to lose her best friend and husband. One of the things that she says is the most difficult is sleeping alone. Up until 5 months ago she slept next to him for 48 years. That's a big change. Last night my 2 kids slept with her but she said River somehow ended up with his feet in her face. I just laugh because I've been there. I co-slept with my babies. My mom loves the babies but they are getting big and they like to sleep horizontal, upside down, diagonal, like a star and any other position that somehow wakes you up. Bottom line, I can't sleep next to them as cute as they are. My little girl begs me to sleep with her and sometimes I will lay with them and as soon as they fall asleep, I stealth like slither off the bed and into my own room. My mom enjoys sleeping with them and kept saying how happy she was that they were sleeping with her. The day before yesterday my mom slept a full 5 hours and woke for a bit and then slept 5 more hours. She was totally relaxed and hasn't slept like that since she moved in with me in January. She is awake in the middle of the night often. I think she was relaxed to know my dad is in good hands. Overall the decision to move my dad to Clermont just feels right. I hope it goes well. Peace out my friends. Much love to you all.
Yesterday I had the pleasure of assisting a room full of high school sport teams experiencing their first yoga class. The room was still warm from teaching my advanced power vinyasa even though we opened the doors. It's getting hot in the Florida summers. I was wet with sweat from the previous class and I dry mop the sweat off the floor. The kids walked into the room and immediately started moaning and groaning about the heat. I was laughing because this was after we cooled the room off. It's still warm. Eventually these kids will grow to love the heat in a yoga room.
They place their mats on the floor and I don't know what to expect. For some reason I assume that because they are athletes that yoga will be easy for them. We ask the students to tell us their experience with yoga and many of them have never done it before. We start them in a standing position and the first thing that I notice is that their posture needs help. Many of them roll their feet into their arches which will affect their knees and hips later in life. We go over the basics of every position so that they know proper alignment when they start flowing. This prevents injury. When they do a forward fold, I'm surprised how inflexible they are. Bend your knees in a forward fold in the beginning to protect your spine. They come down to all fours and we teach them cat and cow pose. There is a simple lack of body awareness with isolating movements like your pelvis or widening your scapula. I teach them the difference between pronate and supinating the shoulders. They eagerly learn, grown and say how it's already helping. One kid says, "I can touch my toes. I have never been able to do this before." I am humbled as a teacher as I watch my teacher Gina Keefe expertly guide beginner beginners how to do the basics of yoga. Rebecca, the other assistant and I say to each other, "I'm so happy Gina is teaching the first one." I learn that I have to go way back to the beginning and teach the basics of every pose. I learn from the students how I can better serve. I also see how badly yoga is needed for our youth. These kids deserve to have healthy bodies. Yoga can do that for them. The need is urgent in my opinion.
The students were great and as I watch them I wonder, "Why isn't yoga taught in school"? These kids need it! They are developing their bodies, growing into their bones and yoga can help set them up for proper body alignment for the rest of their lives. Many of these athletes are so tight that I'm surprised that they haven't already gotten injured. I imagine how these problems grow as people age into adults. Yoga can save them from so many injuries, give them a better range of motion and create a body awareness that I think everyone needs. We live in our skin. The more that we know and understand how our parts work then the less pain that we have. We can live a life of joy, pain free if we are properly guided. Most importantly for these athletes, yoga can help them take off in their sports. As a former triathlete and marathon runner myself, I wish I had yoga. I was taking off in my sports but injuries slowed me down. I know this could have been prevented with proper training and yoga.
I am inspired by the willingness of these kids to get out of their comfort zone and try. They worked hard and many of them are soaking wet with sweat after class. They are gracious after they leave and I mentally think what I can teach these students so that they can be successful. I hope this program continues. I can thank their coach Paul for bringing them to the studio for these kids to experience their first class. For me, yoga has changed my life but that is for another post. For now, I'm just happy to learn and help. I'm excited to foster the excitement and curiosity of yoga for these students. Let the healing begin.
My dad's name is Wayne Charles Hendricks. My mother's name is Irene Marganelli Hendricks. Marganelli is her maiden name since she doesn't have a middle name. My maiden name is Amy Lynn Hendricks. Now, it's Amy Lynn Hager. I never changed it after my divorce so that my last name is the same as my kids. I have four brothers and I am the only girl. 3 of my brothers still live in Chicago, Brent, Eric and Kirt Wayne Hendricks. My oldest brother Keith lives in Safety Harbor, Florida. My dad moved into Benton House Assisted Living facility in Clermont, Florida last night. I saw him this morning and he looks good! I asked him if he feels better than he did at the other place and he said "Oh God, yes". He is alert, I can ask him questions and he responds. Overall he looks A LOT better. He went to the bathroom on his own too! I'm so happy. He likes to walk so we walked outside around the courtyard and sat outside on the rocking chairs where my son River ran to the door and back to mommy's finger that tickles his armpits. He giggles and laughs and my dad says that he likes him. Everyone at the home loves seeing a child in the home and River plays with everything. He throws a beach ball at me and I throw it back and he just keeps on laughing and playing. I stayed for an hour and then went back to my house. I'm exhausted.
Overall the past few days have been very emotionally draining. All I want to do is sleep. My mom came to see him after me and had lunch with Wayne. It's $7 for her to have lunch at the facility and I think she will do this from now on so that she can eat with my dad and not have to shop, cook and clean. It just feels right to have him here. He has a much nicer bed and we added pictures to remind him of home. He said that "it's nice". Then he said "Let's get out of here". I told him yes, that once my house is finished with construction then he can come home to visit. My mom likes it there and the whole staff came to introduce themselves. Everyone's energy was very light and upbeat which makes me happy. Tomorrow is my parent's 48th anniversary. I'm happy they get to spend it together. Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad! I love you! Peace Love & Light.
Hooray my dad is moved into Benton House! He is now about 15 minutes from me and I can visit him!!! Yay!!!!! I am happy and hopeful that this home works out for him. They have a beautiful facility and it is significantly nicer than his old home. There are more activities and the place has a happier vibration to it. He is close enough to come home for visits and I have some time to spend with him. He is a lot weaker but I'm going to try to take him on walks, his favorite activity with me. I didn't see it but the hospital in Safety Harbor, FL said that he walks well with a walker. I think this will save me a fall and he will be able to get out. Clermont has a beautiful lake front with a bike path that I hope to show him. The hospital said that he was stabilized but was a little agitated with the new surroundings. They said it is disorienting for an Alzheimer's patient to move so I feel this is normal. I haven't seen him yet believe it or not! This was like an all day affair today.
My mom has an 8am doctor appointment with a dentist and a 10am doctor appointment with a Neurologist for her Parkinson's and then we had a noon appointment at Benton House to sign paperwork. We had a novel to fill out. It really felt like a mammoth task to move him. We needed to get 1823 forms from the hospital, should we resuscitate or not forms, what does he like to eat, how does he like to wake up, power of attorney forms and finally furniture! They don't offer furniture so I gave him my son's bed and dresser set. I will buy my son a new set, I needed something fast. I have a Prius and my Darrel, my ex-husband has a Highlander. I see my neighbor Carl across the street getting his mail in his pickup truck. I run across the street and ask him if he can help us move his bed and some belongings. He was the most gracious angel ever who offered to help and wouldn't accept anything more than a handshake. I get out my drill and my ex has the wrench and we are drilling and unscrewing the bolts from the bed. Piece by piece we take it out to the truck. He has a tarp to keep things nice and off we go.
My mom drives separate because she has to shop for a mattress pad in case he wets the bed and an extra set of sheets and towels. Darrel drives separate with the kids and right before we were going to leave, my daughter bumps her head hard on my other neighbor, Elizabeth's coffee table. She comes home crying and we are alarmed. We put ice on her head and leave. She calms down in the car and both kids fall asleep. We get to Benton House and unload the truck through the back door while Carl watches the kids in the car that is still running for air conditioning. I drill the bed back together and Darrel tightens the bolts. I have to remember the code to get out of the place with every trip as memory care is on lock down so patients don't wander and get lost. Darrel takes the kids home and Carl & I drive to the front and spot my mom. She is worn down and is parked outside. I know she is in pain after 6 and I simply run out to the car and start carrying things in with Carl. I see her as I pass and she can barely talk and is super wobbly with her walk. She needs to rest. The home gets a wheel chair for her. I know she is in pain but I can't help but to feel like she puts on an extra pity show when she is around people. I feel guilty even saying this but I often see her walking up and down the hill in my yard with a hose watering the plants and she is fine. She does get worn down at night because she gets up so early so who knows. I put on the mattress pad, the sheets and the comforter and put away some of his things. Tomorrow I may bring the dresser for his cloths as my mom packed him a huge suitcase. He doesn't need all this stuff, but she wants it nice. We bring a big family picture from home so he sees something that he is familiar with. He has a roommate who seems nice but was sleeping the whole time. We have to be quiet and keep the light off for him.
During this whole time we are calling back and forth to the hospital for my dad to get his final check ups and discharge papers. The hospital provided transportation for my dad to get to the home so after we left the home around 7ish he was still an hour away. I run back to Darrel's house to check on the kids and bring them food. They are asleep and I quietly put on their pull-ups. I kiss them goodnight and go home. My mom wants to go back to the home to greet him but she falls asleep. I can wake her but I don't. She will be able to help him better if she gets a good night sleep. I turn off the tv, get her a glass of water and turn on a nightlight. Sweet dreams for now. In the morning, we go to see my dad!!!!
Tomorrow, the contractors tear out my kitchen tiles and continue to finish the flooring in the living room. The office is painted and the room looks amazing!!! I painted the walls a light gray color and the small room looks so much bigger. Today was a busy day but there are lots of good things happening. Energetically, I feel better making sure my dad is with my mom and that he is well cared for. Even though his speech is disoriented, energetically I feel his soul. I know he feels mine too. We silently connect and I feel his love. Sleep tight Prince Wayne. I'll see you soon. Peace and love.
"Mommy, my tummy hurts." "We'll be back at the house in 2 minutes baby." "Mommy I'm going to throw up." We pull into the driveway and I stop. "Open the door Pepper and throw up outside." "Mommy I can't." Blaaaahhhhhh! Blaaaaaaahhhhh! Blaaaaaaaaahhhhh! OMG! Projectile vomits flies all over my car. You gotta be kidding me. I run around to her door faster than Speedy Gonzales and take her out of the car and lean her over the grass. She stops. "Why didn't you open the door." "I couldn't." I had the child proof on the darn cars! Aaaahhhhh! Red slime and chewed grapes are slimed all over the passenger seat and in between the seat and the console. She seemed to find all the cracks. There is toys all over the floor covered in vomit. And there is vomit on the carpet. My kids haven't thrown up in a long time. My daughter sometimes gets car sick but she hasn't thrown up in like forever. I got a bucket of water and a rag to clean this one as I peel one slimed toy after another out of the car and hose it off. Seriously you all, moms do so much! She says she's sorry sheepishly. I look at her with love, reach my hands out to her neck and jokingly strangle her. She laughs and I say I still love her but I don't like her yucky throw up. I clean the mess and we all relax again. That wasn't fun.
My dad has been at the hospital the past 3 1/2 days. The hospital is going to transport him to an Assisted Care Facility in Clermont, Florida where my mom and I live tomorrow. They reduced his medication and he is doing better except he has a bad headache. I'm sure weaning him from some of his medication has it's side affects. I am happy that he will be only 15 minutes away. Now my mom can stop driving so far to see him. It is too far for her to drive alone. It costs more money but I think that it might be cheaper in the long run if it avoids an accident. Plus this new home is way nicer than his old place. I also saw their lunches and I was impressed with their food as it looked fresh. Everyone was raving about the food so I'm sure my dad will be happy about that. We have to buy him a bed and move his personal belongings. He doesn't talk a lot anymore. I'm looking forward to taking him on walks. They do have a courtyard loop that he can walk outside with pretty plants. Inside they have lots of activities that they do with the patients. I hope he adjusts well. I know it is always stressful for an Alzheimer patient to change their surroundings.
I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think that both my parents would be better off. I also think it takes the pressure off of my brother in Tampa. He has already helped tremendously and now it's my turn. He has a construction mess to fix with hiring the wrong contractors for an addition on his house for my mom. Now he'll have more time to focus on getting that fixed. He also won't have to deal with the responsibility of the details of my father's death whenever the time comes. It's hard to even say the word death but it's on everyone's minds, especially mine. I've been learning from it and seeing how it's making me focus on the important things in life. Right now, that is my family, my career and my friends. Death makes the time that we spend during life even more important.
Tomorrow, the flooring contractor comes to install more of my new floors. They are going to paint the office and then I get to have that room back. Next week the contractors come to re-do the kitchen. The new kitchen is going to be awesome. I don't know what I'm going to do without a kitchen for a month while they work! I hope they diligently hurry. Overall, I am blessed. I feel really good about the change in my dad's home and the remodeling of my home. Overall, I'm happy. Sending you all love and light! Peace!
My dad was admitted into Mease Countryside Hospital in Safety Harbor, Florida Thursday afternoon May 30th, 2019. After my visit to his Assisted Care Facility I was concerned for his health. He looked terrible and it was obvious that he was in bad shape and needed help. I spoke with his care giver about all the medications that he was taking and requested that they reduce or eliminate the long list of medications that he was on. Some of the drugs are so strong that they have to wean him. They took my request and said they would talk with the owner who was clearly the one making all the decisions, not a doctor. I spoke with a nurse about it and I left a message for the psychiatrist on site. I then proceeded to interview Assisted Care Facilities in Clermont by my house. I knew he had to be moved or he was going to die in this home. I told one of the caregivers that if they don't reduce his medications then they were going to kill him and it would be like murder. I said if anything happens to him then it'll be on everyone's shoulders at that home who could have done something about it but won't. I might have been too hard on them but I was really scared for his life. They told me they were worried about his aggression but he could barely move so I knew this wasn't the case anymore. Assisted Care Facilities in Clermont started to call the home he was at in Safety Harbor and interview the care givers about moving him. Thursday afternoon the caregiver called 911 and my dad was admitted to the hospital. I called and asked her why and what was going on. She replied that he wasn't behaving his normal self lately. In my opinion, this was his care facilities opportunity to cover their ass for over-medication and it is how they evicted him from the home. They said he is not allowed back because he is not fit for their facility.
At the hospital, they confirmed that he was being over medicated and started reducing his medication. I was upset and relieved at the same time. I was upset that he was on too many medications but also relieved that my instincts about the condition of his health was correct. There was a social worker on the case and they were working with the homes in Clermont to help get him moved once he leaves the hospital. He is doing better but they suspect that he might of had a mini-stroke. He is currently in the cardiology section getting his heart tested because they suspect that he might have a heart attack. He is still on medication for Alzheimer's and I asked my mom if she could request that he goes off of it. He is not going to recover from Alzheimer's and I fear that the extra medication for it will be too hard on his system. In my opinion, less is better. She will talk to the doctor's about it. He had his hands behind his head watching tv with headphones on and got some rest. I'm happy his health plan is being reviewed so he gets the best care. He will be at the hospital a few days.
My mom drove 2 hours to the hospital to see him and I'm waiting until he gets discharged to go out there because of my kids and of course, right as all this is going on, my house is getting remodeled. It's all tore up. I'm in my master bedroom as the living room and whole front room under construction with new tiles being put in. I'm excited about the house but I'm also freaking out a little because my mom wants to bring him back here. I keep telling her that he needs to go into another home because he can't live in a construction site and he needs more help that I can give him alone. I hope she listens to me. Honestly, she never listens to me but I really hope that this time she will listen to me. Maybe as she sees him in the hospital she will see how much help he needs. I know 2 men had to help him get up and down just to use the bathroom. He's losing his mobility. Home health is a fortune plus it's not always 24 hours and that's what he needs. The hospital said that last night he was very restless. His constant movement happened all through the night. Once he is standing then he will shuffle around everywhere. His incontinence makes it difficult. At the home he was peeing in the potted plants. He will pee in a corner because he is confused. Changing a grown man's diapers can be tricky because of his size.
As I meditate, I think about all this. I go over everything that has happened and evaluate my decisions. I hope that I am doing the right thing for him. He deserves to be close to my mom if he is going to pass. They should be together. They spent 47 years together. He also deserves to be treated in the highest regard. He is a fallen genius, father, angle, husband and prince. He has done so much for me in my life. He has taken the family on vacations every year. He coached tons of sporting teams. He cooked, cleaned, did laundry, fixed the whole house and was a great listener. He might of made mistakes in his life but so have I and so has everyone else. I love him and forgive him for anything he has done. He also gets scared and frustrated and needs more love. I want to be there for him. I hope he makes it back here ok and that my mom puts him into a home where we can monitor everything that is happening. I will make regular visits to check on him. The people at all the homes that I visited were super nice.
Peace my friends and thanks for listening. Writing this blog helps me get all these thoughts off my mind so that I can process them and come into the present moment. As I worry about the future for my dad, I think about how right now is the moment and how can I enjoy this moment to the fullest. I am aware that I need to let my worry go in order to be present. With my dad, I have to trust that the hospitals are taking good care of him. I also have to surrender to the fact that eventually my dad will die. I simply have to make clear sound decisions about his care. My mother needs help because there are lots of decisions that need to be made. It is overwhelming for one person to do it alone. Especially when it's someone they love so much. She could be emotionally distraught over the situation. I'm stepping up to the plate, speaking my mind and trying to do the best for my dad. What are your thoughts about everything? Do you have any experiences like this? I'd love to hear from you. Even if I don't respond, I read them all and it helps me tremendously. I love you all. Peace.
I went to see my dad in Tampa yesterday. His health has degraded tremendously at his Assisted Care Facility. I'm saddened to see how much worse he has gotten since he first went into the home only five months ago. I sat down and talked with one of the care givers and she gave me a list of his medication. He is on the following drugs:
Mirtazaphine 7.5 mg (antidepressant),
Olanzapine 10 mg (antipsychotic, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder),
Depakote ER 500 mg (seizure disorders, mental/mood conditions such as manic phase of bipolar disorder),
lorazepam 1 mg (anti-anxiety),
memantine 10 mg (Alzheimer's disease),
donepezil 10 mg (Alzheimer's disease),
enalapril 10 mg (high blood pressure, diabetic kidney disease, and heart failure),
hydrochlorothiazide12.5 mg (high blood pressure),
vitamin d3(fat-soluble secosteroids responsible for increasing intestinal absorption of calcium, magnesium, and phosphate, and multiple other biological effects)
This seems excessive to me. I'm not a doctor but I don't have to be a genius to see this list and say, damn that is a lot of medicine. It seems like too much. He was so drugged up when I saw him that he could barely keep his eyes open, barley walk and barely talk. He lost a lot of weight. We took him to Panera Bread so we could visit outside of the home. He was passing in and out in the car. It was difficult to get him out of the car and in the restaurant. I had to pick up each foot to put them on the ground and then hold his hands and pull him out of the car. I brace myself into a deep lunge and put his arm around me to get him to step up onto the curb. I walk him to a table and he shuffles his feet about 2 inches at a time along the ground. We ordered him a soup. His hand couldn't find the spoon and I had to help make sure he didn't stick his whole hand in the soup. I hand him the spoon and he takes about three bites. Then he passes out again. I tried to put him down on the bench to nap but he was physically stuck and couldn't lie down. I kept him sitting up. My mom gave him water with a straw and he barely sucks up the water. He is so weak. I rub his back and his head and he responds positively to the touch. He tries to whisper weakly to me but nothing he says makes sense. He wants to say something but he can't. I ask him questions and he responds yes or no. I'm confused because he understands me.
We stop at Safety Harbor Resort to see if we can visit with him there and try to take him to the bathroom. I drive up to the valet and he can't get out of the car. They run to get him a wheel chair and the valet's help to get him out of the car. I park and go in. My mom is trying to get him to go to the bathroom but he won't go on his own. He walks up to the toilet, messes with his pants and then walks out. We walk into the men's room tell him like 10 times to go to the bathroom. We try to help but he won't. He plays with the lock or just waits on the other side of the door. Another man tries to help him to no avail. We sit him in the lobby and he sits for a few minutes and then he wants to get up. He won't stay put. He asks me if I have any money. Why does he ask about this I wonder? We walk down a hotel lobby because he likes to walk. He looks like he wants to pee in a corner so I hurry to take him outside. He won't pee outside either. The drugs are wearing off and he is more conscious. We stop at Walgreens and my mom buys my brother some groceries. While we are parked I do some of my Assisted Thai Yoga on his neck and arms. I press my thumb up and down his forearms and squeeze his biceps and triceps. I also bend his fingers back and forth to stretch his hands and wrists. He likes it but I have to be gentle. He kisses my head. He recognizes me. I ask him, "dad, are you ok? Are they being nice to you at the home? Do you want to come home?". He tries to answer but he can't. We stop by my brothers house to drop off the groceries and I take my dad for a walk. He wants to walk, all the time. He actually has non-stop movement. When he has come to my house he shuffles around the entire time and would walk out of the house and get lost. I'm sure that is why the home has him on so many drugs. He is having incontinence. On our walk he poops in his depends and he doesn't tell me but I can tell because he reaches to touch the back of his pants and it smells. We go about three blocks of shuffling and my mom is right there to pick us up. He is too weak to go far but I take him and try. We used my moms walker the whole time. He looks so broken down that everywhere we go people come over and offer to help and ask if everything is ok. It breaks my heart to see him like this but what can I do. We take him back to the home for them to help change his diapers.
I talk to the care giver and ask her to reduce his medicine. We need to give the home a power of attorney because they don't have one. My mom said she gave them one so I don't understand. I get to talk to a nurse practitioner who agrees to reduce the drugs that she has him on. The psychiatrist has him on different drugs including the schizophrenia drugs but she is not in because of Memorial Day holiday. I tell the care giver that I want the psychiatrist to reduced or eliminate the other drugs. I was surprised that he was even on them. I didn't even know that Alhzeimer's and schizophrenia may be related. The only symptom that I noticed was that he has disorganized speech. He is so drugged up that how can I possibly tell if he has a mental disorder or if it is the drugs affecting his behavior. I know my dad was getting violent with diaper changes. I can only imagine the humility he must feel to have to have someone else change his diapers. I'm sure the medicine is to help curb some of this behavior. It's just sad. He was so much healthier before. Were the nurses always gentle with him for diaper changes? I don't know. I have been trying to move my dad to an Assisted Care Facility in Clermont but the first home denied him because he was on too much medication. He got interviewed at a second home and is on a wait list to get into this home. My only other option is to bring him home and my hesitation is that I still have to work and I need help. I could hire someone but that is only for one shift. If he is at home then it's 24 hours. I feel frustrated. I don't know what to do. I don't know what is the best care for him. I'm a single mom already taking care of my mother who is sick with Parkinson's and a 4 and 6 year old. All I can do for now is wait for him to get into the home closer and keep applying to the other homes in the area. If he is in the area then he can come home and visit at least. Alzheimer's is the worst disease. I never understood how tough it is until now. I do have a calmness that I never had before about his illness because I've been doing a lot of research on death. I'm not as scared as I used to be and I feel prepared. I want him to be in the best situation for him during his time earthside. My mom was originally going to live with my brother in Tampa but she wants to stay with me because she loves my kids and because I work more part time where my brother is more full time. Now that I know she wants to stay with me, I think it is best for him to be close to her. My mom misses him and I'm sure she misses him. Hopefully I can get him moved soon. Peace out my friends. If you know someone with Alzheimer's then I send you and your loved one lots of love and prayers. My heart feels so much compassion for victims and their families for this illness. Much love!
Over the years of dating, I've run into a few things. I never really thought about the psychology of dating but as you get burned you learn to wisen up. I was talking to a friend yesterday who went to a Matt Khan conference. He is a spiritual teacher/life coach. At his conference, she was telling me, he said to never start a new relationship until your existing relationship is over. This triggered a memory for me of someone that I explored dating.
The person wanted to be my friend and arranged to hang out as "friends" for some time. I wasn't really sure what was going on and I didn't want to be rude to ask. It was obvious there was some energy between us but neither of us said much about it. From my perspective, this person wanted to date but they were still in a relationship. I was thinking that eventually things would end between them but it went on for months and they were still together. Every few weeks my friend would call me up to hang out. I was confused because if he wanted to date then why were they calling me while they were still in a relationship. I don't want to be put into that situation. I don't always know what they other person's intentions are so I have to ask and trust that they are telling me the truth. What I was experiencing was someone trying to secure a new relationship with me before they let go of the old relationship. This is called Monkey Bar Dating. Monkey-bar dating involves the inability to let go of one relationship until there is another relationship firmly in their grasp. From my experience this isn't the best situation to get yourself in. I say this because I seemed to make all the mistakes when choosing who to date and I had to sit back and evaluate what was going on so I could stop making the same mistakes. How could I be more conscious when dating so that I can make better decisions? Let's examine why someone may monkey bar date.
Someone who monkey bar dates may have a few people that they are trying to secure a new relationship with before letting go of the old one. They are doing this to secure not being alone and may arrange many options. You may think that you are the only one but often times the person has many people to secure a new relationship. I was very naive because I was honest with my partners. Your partner may not be honest with you so don't assume because you are being honest that they are too. In a monkey bar dating situation don't be surprised if things are blissful and heavenly one day and the next you fall flat on your face the next. You may fall hard, just like falling off of a monkey bar.
Often times people who are serial daters are monkey bar daters and they are addicted to New Energy Excitement, also known as NRE. They stay in the first relationship until the excitement wears off and is already off looking for the next relationship before letting go of the first. They like the romance and that happy giddy feeling. They crave the constant attention, the excitement of the first kiss or learning someone new. They are always looking for someone better so don't be shocked if you aren't "the one". The courting of the honeymoon period, dressing up and behaving your best can be exciting. Don't get too carried away yet because, I like to say, "shit hasn't gotten real yet". The daily grind that most of us are in and the reality of the totality of someone else's life hasn't necessarily presented itself yet. Many times fear about learning or experiencing the reality of their entire life keeps them in the beginning stages of a relationship. They get addicted to the NRE and leave the old relationship with almost no conscious. They don't care if they hurt your feelings, they are more worried about protecting theirs. Many times, these people are driven by fear or a simple lack of consciousness about the other person's feelings.
Monkey bar daters hate being single. They may have a plethora of options available swinging from one monkey bar to the next leaving the old relationship as quickly a new one becomes available. Often times the old partner is left in shock, bewildered, heart broken and confused. How could we be so high and now it is over out of nowhere like a light switch turning on and off? Often times someone who is monkey bar dating is insecure and they are seeking the confidence that your attention gives them. They suck your energy like the vampire archetype. Are they afraid to be alone? This situation can leave you feeling insecure and worthless afterwards. It's toxic because your confidence can be rattled after the relationship ends.
Many times monkey bar daters are skeptical about love thinking that once someone gets past the NRE stage and their partner gets to really know them that they will no longer love them. Many times these people have had bad experiences that have happened to them that prevent them from really opening up. Let's face it, it's scary to open our hearts because they are so soft and tender. No one wants to get hurt. No one is also perfect. If you are guilty of monkey bar dating then I invite you to face your fears of being alone and do some self work. Often times we get into trouble because fear runs our lives instead of taking the time to learn who we are. Take the time to learn yourself better and consequently choose someone who is in alignment with your life vision. We all deserve to be happy. Learn to do some shadow work and face your fears so you can overcome them. This will empower you and give you a confidence that doesn't end when a relationship ends.
If you find yourself in a situation where a monkey bar dater is trying to date you then I recommend to stay away until that person has done some self work. Believe in yourself to hold out for the right person. Believe that you are worth all the love in the world and recognize that a monkey bar dater isn't a bad person, they are just a person who has more evolving to do. I like to think of it as a person who still has a demon or fear hanging over their head. Love yourself first. Take the time to get to know yourself as well. What do you want out of life? How can you find that for yourself and be your own hero? When you are whole then you will see more clearly. You will recognize when others have done some of this self work. That will be attractive to you. Most importantly, you will be more attractive. Learning about monkey bar dating is just a tool for you to learn how to be a better dater. I would love to see you all find beautiful love and happiness. I hope you are more aware and through that awareness, make better decisions. Learn the art of making choices in life that lift you up. A huge part of this puzzle piece is having self love and real self confidence. It's easy to say you have self confidence but do you really feel it? It's my opinion that it takes falling in love with yourself first. Peace, love & light from my humble heart to yours. I wish you all lots of healing and lots of love.
I Hello Beautiful People,
My emotions have been creeping up on me lately. There is so much going on. I'm taking care of aging parents, raising 2 young children, growing a business and letting go of a relationship. Today I watch my ex-husband pack up his car with my children's bags as he goes on a vacation with my kids and his girlfriend. I wrestle with how I feel about this. I feel hurt but I am also ready to let it go so I can move on. As I meditate I think about relaxing and saying positive affirmations. I repeat, let it go. Michael Singer the author of the Untethered Soul talks about letting it go and that is where this affirmation comes from. As I sit in silence I imagine wiping my slate clean. I imagine letting go of any negative feelings and I invite God to offer the right situation for me. I trust that I am in the best situation for myself right now and I am enjoying the free time to do more self study and work on my business. I offer gratitude for all that I do have. I have amazing friends whom I love dearly. My relationship with my mom is great. It is stressful to deal with her illness but she helps as much as she can and I'm happy to spend more time with her. I really love my work with yoga and my clients. I feel like I am helping others and serving. It feels great to watch people grow. The self study that I've been doing has been very fulfilling and my life is enriched because of it. Overall, I'm very blessed.
I sit in my pool house to meditate in silence and I can feel the tension in my body. I focus on releasing any tension in my muscles and in my face. I elongate my breath and relax. Just because you enlighten yourself a little doesn't mean that life stops it's challenges. These challenging times are the times for our biggest growth. Michael Singer says "Disappointment is a wonderful opportunity for spiritual growth. It is a spotlight shining that is shining on your stuff. The question becomes, are you willing to let it go? Or are you willing to let it take you with it and make a mess out of your life?" I think about what this spotlight is saying about my stuff. What choices do I need to make in my life to feel my best? I don't want to just feel better, I want to be thriving. I already feel happiness so I simply need to stay strong when challenges come up. It's like hitting a speed bump in the road reminding us to slow down and relax. It's also a reminder for me to believe in myself. I also want you all to believe in yourself too. If I can do this then so can you. A lot of our suffering is in our head. Consciously choose positive choices. If you have to, fake a smile on your face. Fake feeling happy and you will see that you really do start to feel happy. That statement, Fake it until you Make it, really works.
I noticed this attitude change worked for me the other night. My daughter did her first play and she was a clown. She put on her clown makeup herself and I did my son's. My son wasn't in the play but wanted makeup just for fun:) . We were early and my son and daughter wanted to go swimming. I washed off the makeup and then let them swim. When my daughter got out of the pool she was crying about her eyes hurting her. She swims almost everyday and her eyes might irritate her but it doesn't stop her from doing things so I knew something else was wrong. I squirt saline in her eyes to sooth them. I take her to the school for her play and help her get dressed. We had about 10 minutes before the play was going to start for me to re-do her makeup. The poor thing had major stage fright. I talked to her to calm her down and got her to dry her tears. She cheered up with she saw her friend Sophia. We got her makeup done and she went back stage to start her play just on time. She is in kindergarten so she is young to be talking on stage at 6 years old. She had 3 lines and she said them all! Wow, I was thinking, so happy for her. She did a clown joke where 3 clowns bump into each other and fall down. She did great! I give her flowers to celebrate and I take them to the waterfront park to celebrate. My son and daughter scooter down the bike path from the waterfront park to a restaurant on the lake called Lily's. By the time I got there I was pretty stressed out from the evening. I got them their food and then checked my phone. The next thing I knew my kids were at the lake picking snail shells and clam shells. My daughter found glass all over the beach and was showing an older woman who was swinging on a swing with her husband. She was oo'ing and ahhh'ing at all my daughter's findings. My daughter's energy was ecstatic with this woman. It turns out that this woman was a retired professional clown for 15 years and is excellent with children. We told her about my daughter's play and she told my daughter about her clowning. She told my daughter she was saving everyone's toes by finding all that glass. She called her the glass princess and said, "wow, so how do you find the glass? Do you just see it sparkle?" My daughter then took a lot of time to explain. What are the odds of bumping into a professional clown when your kid was just a clown in a play in the same night? I energetically shifted my own energy to match the excitement of the clowns and watched how my daughter became excited and happy. When we scootered home, my daughter was happy and singing, "you are a good mother, oh oh oh, you are a good mother , oh oh oh" and she wanted to hold my hand. Honestly I was struggling with my daughter before the clown. After meeting her and seeing how her energy helped my daughter's energy shift, I made a conscious choice to lift my energy as well. I was stressed out from the stage fright situation to be honest. I was able to witness how making a conscious choice to find joy in the new situation and let the old situation go helped everyone. That professional clown was a conscious reminder that I have a choice to be happy if I want it. All I have to do is when life hits you with challenges to simply let it go. I think about the movie Frozen and the song "Let it go". My daughter loved that movie. I pick up my guitar to learn a new song and I choose to sing Rise Up by Andra Day instead of It Hurts to be Human by Pink. Now relax, breathe and play. Everything is going to be alright. Peace, my friends.
Today I meditate by my pool house. When I meditate I purposely do not do a guided meditation, I am sitting in silence. Only that it is anything but silence. Outside I am listening to my thoughts and to the sounds around me. Most importantly I am listening to my inner guide. I like to meditate in nature as my opinion is that nature is our best teacher. When I'm out in nature, it has something to teach me. I usually notice the birds tweeting and didn't notice all the bugs singing! Today I listen to the bugs. Were they always there? I also hear frogs croak, birds chip and the wind rustling the leaves. When you really get quiet, there is so much to listen to. I can't tell what kind of bugs are making a noise but it sounds like grasshoppers holding a long note and then it stops and then it starts again. During the day in central Florida, I'm not sure if it is grasshoppers making that noise? It's been raining here lately which seems to bring out the bugs. The bugs usually annoy me but today I love them. I wonder which ones make which noise. There's so much to learn.
The other day I watched a Kate Winslet movie called A Little Chaos. I love her movies. It's about Sabine de Barra, who is an incredible garden designer for the Palace of Versailles. I think about this movie and all the flowers that my mom has been buying. She loves red and hot pink geraniums. She has them all over the front and backyard of my house. This reminds me of being a kid and how she would always be in the yard planting flowers. We had one of the best looking yards because of my mom's love for flowers. I remember feeling a lot of pride for how pretty the yard looked and felt. On Mother's Day my mom got flowers from my brother Brent and she would move flowers into whatever room her or I moved into. I have a backyard garden that I haven't maintained as well as I could. I am inspired to revive it. I had a friend Chelsea who once said that I should turn it into a meditation garden with fountains and statues everywhere. I like this idea and I'm going to run with it. I have a little hill off my back porch and I bought 18 blue flower ground covers for it. I moved my jackfruit tree and I planted a new red bush in the pool house. This is the beginnings of the meditation gardens. Every week I will do a little more work on it.
I need to get my gutter's fixed as I am still having erosion issues on one side of my hill. Step by step, my house is slowing coming together into a paradise oasis. I love it. I love the creativity of making my space beautiful. I am going slow but steady with home sanctuary projects. The other day my mom was sitting on the lanai and she said she loves the new windows on the lanai from Seabreeze. She also said that she was excited about the gardens. I learned a lot about permaculture and I always wanted a food forest. I started this project years ago and let it go. Now it's time to bring things back to life and plant some color around the yard per my mom's lead. I used to have a jasmine trellis in the front yard so I plan to work on that project next. I love the smell of jasmine.
Lately I'm been inspired by Michael Singer's work. He talks about the mind and goes as far as explaining how the universe was created with The Big Bang theory. My dad was really into science and he read a lot of books on this topic. My dad would play around with meditation and loved quantum physics before his Alzheimer's took force. Michael's work reminds me of my dad. I'm a person who likes truth and I like that science offers this. There is proof that events actually took place. I resonate with Michael's work because of this. It makes me see the genius in my father. He was an incredibly smart man. I've been blessed by his teachings and I plan to continue his work. Michael Singer's course on The Untethered Soul in Action is incredible. I've never listened to a teacher who was able to explain things so concisely. I look outside from my desk and see the rain. I'm glad the rain is watering my flowers. It is making them bloom. I feel my heart blooming as well. Peace out beautiful people. I encourage you to create a beautiful space for yourself at home. It doesn't have to be the whole house or yard but find a space and make it beautiful, like your heart. Love & Light!
Hello beautiful people,
I'm back into my meditations and continuing with my mindfulness challenge. Mindfulness is challenging! I notice my mind wondering off topic all the time and I have to continuously and consciously reel it back in. A simple example that I noticed is that it's hard for me to be mindful when I'm driving. My mind is in another world as I think about and plan my days. I'm developing an awareness of this and consciously reeling my mind back into focusing on what I'm seeing right before my eyes.
Another time that I noticed my mind wondering was when I was doing a simple om'ing exercise. I was in my yoga teacher training and we were repeating OM. As I was om'ing my mind started to take off with thoughts rapid fire. "Wow, she can om for a long time." "I need to take a bigger breath." "I still can't om that long. Why did I ever smoke in my life? Now I can't om that long." "He can om really low." "Can I om that low?" "I wonder if I can om in a high voice?" "I'm fucked because I smoked when I was young." "I can feel the om buzzing in my mouth." etc. My mind was shooting thoughts like crazy and this went on the entire exercise which was a few minutes. This happens all the time. This was just the beginning of me noticing the rapid thoughts. How can I quiet this down? Is all this thinking really helpful?
After going through Michael Singer's course, "Untethered Soul in Action", I am learning. He has three main techniques.
1. Positive Thinking
2. Mantras or Affirmations - He suggested simply saying, "I can handle this."
3. Relax and Let it go
The other day I was driving and the song, "Bring him home" by Josh Groban came on. I was immediately thinking of my dad with stage 3 Alzheimer's in his assisted care facility and wanting to bring him home. My mind started shooting off with all the things that I would need to do to make this happen. "Get combination locks for the doors." "Hire 2 shifts of help from Care.com." "Hide sharp objects." "Install grab bars." "Put mattress cover on." "Close off sections of the house so he has limited access to the house." "Get wood patio furniture not cloth so that if he poops his pants then it doesn't get on the fabric." Then I hear the words to Bring Him Home:
"God on high
Hear my prayer
In my need
You have always been there
He is young
Let him rest
Bring him home
Bring him home
Bring him home."
I start to cry. Now, normally my mind would continue racing into the ethers except I see myself having these thoughts and I stop and relax. I breath and repeat to myself, "I can handle this." "I can handle this." And I quiet down, like magic! Normally this anxiety would overwhelm me. This was one of the first times that I felt like I had some useful tools to sooth my anxiety. A calm mind returns to me once again and I focus on the road. The grass is really green. The light outside is cheerful. The weather is beautiful. There is a lot to be grateful for.
If you find your mind racing when you are trying to be mindful then try one of the three techniques above. They really helped me relax and become present again. The one that was the most powerful was repeating, "I can handle this." I can say this mantra and feel a wave of calm and quiet blanket over me. I relax and trust that everything is going as it should. Everything is going to be ok. All of this chatter in my mind isn't helping so I consciously catch myself and stop. If you ever get overwhelmed, try saying "I can handle this" and you will, because you can! I believe in you:) . Peace out my friends. I love you.
Sometimes kids need one on one time with their parents. My kids love it. I spent the whole day with my son and then at night their daddy came and got him and I spent the evening with my girl. My little girl is the sweetest most adorable thing in the world and she loves alone time with mommy. She is in school longer hours now so it's harder for my to get as much alone time with her as it was before school started. It's easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of life so I take time to slow down and be really present with her. It's some of my happiest times too.
We had lots of homework to do which almost seems crazy for a kinder-gardener. We read 10 stories together, thank god I bought a lot of books at garage sales! I love garage sales, btw. There's nothing more fun to me than finding cool things at bargain prices, lol. It's nice to read books with her alone because my son likes to read different boy books and she likes to read girl books. I also can go slower with just her so that I can help her read. When there's words that I know she knows then I ask her to read them. My son gets impatient with this but what do you expect with a 4 years old, lol. As I sit with her I tell her that I love reading stories. I put my arm around her and I ask, "do you know what I like even more?". She says, "what?". I say, "reading stories with you". I kiss her head and she giggles, she loves it. I have a big box of books for her and she picks out 10 that she likes and we read through them one by one. After stories we have to write her sight words. Poor thing doesn't want to do them because these are not small words, these are big words like "because". That's a big word for a kinder-gardener! I show her the automatic pencil sharper that I bought and she loves it. Now she wants to sharpen every pencil in the house. She sharpens so many pencils that she jams the pencil sharper, ugh! Now she has no more delays and has to write her sight words. We read through the words and then get ready for bed.
She normally sleeps with her brother but now that she is here alone she is too afraid to sleep alone. She begs mommy to sleep with her. I lay down with her and cuddle and hold her. She loves it. She really likes being held and loved on. She falls asleep and I sneak into the other bedroom. In the middle of the night I roll over and she's in my bed! Hahahaha, that little stinker, she came over in the middle of the night. Normally I take her back to her room, but this night I let her stay. Eventually she won't want to cuddle with mom so I allow her. She is so happy to spend the time with me. We go to bed early so that in the morning she feels good.
I wake her up and she gets dressed and we do her hair, her favorite part. She has been a girly girl since she was a baby. She liked painting her own nails as soon as she was able to. If I was ever putting on makeup then she put on makeup. If I dress up then she wants to dress up. She copies and emulates my every move. This is a big responsibility for me so I do my best to be a good example for her. I brush her hair with the special soft brush that doesn't pull. I put her hair into a pony tail and give her a spiral pony tail curl. Then we pick out a pretty head band and she is skipping all over the house bouncing that curl. Grandma has grapes out for her and we bring them with on our trip to school. She grabs her sparkle hot pink sequin back pack and off we go. On the way she wants to listen to "Body like a Back Road". Her favorite song. I put it on the blue tooth in the car and we sing and dance in the car the whole way. We get to the front of the line and her principle opens the door and dances with Pepper. Everyone laughs and I go home thinking, I'm blessed. Being a mommy is rewarding. I am one lucky mommy and I love spending the time with her because I can see how it makes her feel so good about herself. She thrives when her emotional cup is filled up. She is simply the most perfect, precious, beautiful little thing.
Pepper has no idea how much she fills my emotional cup too. My mother is starting to fall in the house and it is scary. I am trying to stay calm and composed for everyone. My mom fell the first time in her bedroom but it wasn't so bad because it was on carpet. Yesterday my mom turned and her right foot wouldn't pick up. I had my back to her and I saw out of the corner of my eye her hands reaching for me with a look of terror on her face. She fell in the kitchen hard on her knee and arm. I put both arms under her arm pits and help her up. I walk her to her chair. She is having a harder time walking and carrying anything at the same time. She asks if I can bring her food to the table. Get her a glass of water. Carry her dirty plate back to the kitchen. Get her phone and put it on her bed. Hand her the tv remote. I spend a lot of times carrying things for her back and forth throughout the house. When she falls she cries and says that she wants to see my dad in his home in Tampa. I tell her the kids are almost out of school and then we'll go. She gets scared and says she's sorry. I tell her never to apologize to me and that it's ok. I also like my alone time with my mother. Over the past few months we have been building a very meaningful relationship. We fought all the time before. I had a shift and I'm happy that I did because I get to spend the last years with my mom with a positive relationship. I accept her now where before I resisted her.
My little girls love makes me strong. She loves me unconditionally. I want to continue to evolve into the best person that I can because of my kids. I love the nights where I get to cuddle with my girl. Peace out beautiful people. Life is a blessing, even the scary parts. Enjoy the moment because that's all we really have. Love.
Hello beautiful people,
How are you all? I wish I could hear your responses, lol. I read the Untethered Soul and was inspired by Michael Singer's writing. I looked up his website online and saw that he had a yoga temple called The Temple of the Universe in Alachua, FL. Wait, this isn't too far from Clermont, FL. I look it up and it's about 2 hours away. There was a yoga class that night followed by a meditation followed by a talk by Michael Singer, the writer of The Untethered Soul. I love meeting the writers of books or youtube personalities that inspired me. It was around 1pm when I looked all this up and I would have to leave by 3:30ish in order to ensure I had enough time to get there. I spontaneously drive up there. On my way out, my mom jokingly says, fuck you for being so spontaneous. She just wants to do something fun too. She worries when I leave the whole time and called about 5 times worrying that I was going to die and did I have my will all arranged. Geez, it's just a mini trip. Talk about guilt trip, I feel guilty leaving my mom at home alone. I go anyway, I'm being pulled and I have to go.
I get there and it's a wooden temple in the middle of the woods. It almost looks like a house but it's not. I walk in and it looks almost a little dated inside. There is a basic mini kitchen and a temple room. The temple room has light blue carpet that reminds me of the 1970's or 80's. There is an alter in the center with photos and statues of the great religious leaders and famous yogi's. I like that they celebrate all the faiths as there were many enlightened teachers to pay homage to.
I was raised Catholic, including Catholic schools during grade school. For some reason it didn't resonate with me. The most religious person that I knew was my mother and we also had the most dysfunctional relationship. I rejected religion for years. For a long time, I didn't go to church and I really didn't know what I believed in so I ignored the topic. I hate putting a label to anything but I guess you could say I was agnostic. I went to Christian churches, youth church groups and camps and I felt the same thing. My instincts were telling me that if the message wasn't love then something was wrong. Some of the sermons created fear and separation and this is what I felt like I didn't like. I did believe in Jesus but I also couldn't deny the Buddha or other religious beliefs. After doing a lot of research I realized that there is a Oneness to all these different religions. If you study all of them then you will see there is a common thread through all of them. The different religions are the different vehicles to the oneness of god. This was something that I could wrap my mind around. For the longest time I rejected God. With this new understanding, I could accept God into my heart. The spiritual void in my life somehow was filled and now I have a strong devotion to God. I like this about yoga. Yoga helped me find God.
In the temple we do a yoga class around the alter with flowers, candles and pictures of Jesus, the Buddha, the Virgin Mary, Patanjoli and famous religious leaders. After the class we sat in silence on big pillows and they make a runway for Michael to walk down and put his keyboard at the base of the alter.
After about 30 minutes after yoga class Michael Singer walks in. He bows at the alter and then sits lotus style on the floor. He is in his 60's or 70's I guess. He does his whole talk in this lotus position and I think that I can't even hold that pose for an hour without some discomfort. His does a mini stretch and starts playing a devotional chant on the keyboard. Everyone joins in. He finishes and begins his talk with is essentially a summary of his book. He talks about opening your heart and never closing it energetically. We are all one and if we keep our hearts open then we will feel joy and happiness like we couldn't believe. He said this one simple technique alone is more powerful than meditation. Meditation is good for like 15 minutes in the morning and at night but that's it. He has a simplicity to his style and he talks with joy and enthusiasm. There is something magnetic to this person. Everyone hangs on his last word. At the end he does a thirty minute question and answer. This is my favorite part. I can watch the lecture on youtube. I want to talk to this individual and ask him how to apply his teachings to everyday life.
I ask, "Michael, how do I apply opening my heart to death? Both of my parents are very sick and I am watching them suffer with pain. It sucks. The anxiety that I feel over the fear of their death is overwhelming to me. What should I do?" I start to cry and I can't turn it off. I am a buggary wet mess. I have to get up to get the tissues. I sit with a straight face with tears rolling down that I fight not to let out. Damn it, this is embarrassing I think. I hate that I am crying about this and that I'm so emotional. Waaaaaaahhhhh. I ask anyway because I want to ask someone who is going to give me a really good answer. I could ask a friend but I want an answer from someone who has some some work on enlightenment. Here's his response.
"Amy, you need to change how to think about death. You are attached and that is why you suffer. Death is a celebration of someone's life. They lived it and now they pass. Everyone passes. It is just an event in life that happens and your resistance to it creates your suffering. Think of yourself like a rock in the river. The water is the events in your life and they need to flow through you. If you try to create a dam or stop the water from flowing through you then you have to work really hard and it's exhausting. He references this analogy from the book Siddhartha. Stop resisting death and simply let it flow through you. You are the rock witnessing the events or water flow through you. Stop clinging. The details of death are not pretty but that is a part of life. He references the Bhagavad Gita and how Arjuna has to go to war and kill his cousins, friends and people he knows. It overwhelms him and he doesn't want to do it. Krishna tells him it's his duty and that he may kill the body but not the soul. My parents soul lives on as we are all one." When I told him it sucks to watch them suffer he says I need to change my words and attitude about death. "Death is the ultimate expression of I love you. All of a sudden the last years, months, weeks, days and hours are filled with meaning. We tell people how we really feel. The sadness that I feel is just my love for my parents. Celebrate their life not suffer in the sadness of death. I have just been culturally conditioned in the west that death is a bad thing. It's not a bad thing. They had a life. They lived it and they will die. It's all a part of life. Iyengar didn't cry when his parents passed. He did a headstand for some time and that was it. Let it go. Of course you suffer when you say death sucks. That is a very dark way to think about it. Change your conditioning. Change your words. Change your thoughts. Death is simply an event that I have to let pass through me. "
As we walk out he gives me a hug and asks if it helps and I say yes because I never heard anyone talk about death like that before. I drive 2 hours home in the dark contemplating what he says. He is a powerful teacher. I feel better. I feel light and I'm catch when my words are dark. A simple example is that my previous blog was originally titled "Home Improvement Obsession" to "Creating My Home Sanctuary". I changed the language of the whole post to talk about this beautiful project that I get to create instead of it being a negative obsession. Now the work begins. I am being mindful of my words as they affect my thoughts. Words Matter! Change your language, change your life. Peace out beautiful people. Use positive words and watch how it can help lift your moods. I love you.
What is Mindfulness anyway? I hear this buzz word all the time and I did some research with efforts to understand it more. How can mindfulness be of value to me in my life? I love Michael Singer's work on the topic and I summarized what I learned. I hope it helps. I'll attach his video below too if you want to learn more. He's amazing and his work has already helped me so much.
Step 1: Stop and observe your thoughts. Create an awareness of what's going on inside of there. Things happen to us in our lives and create samaskaras or impressions on our minds that are either positive or negative. These impressions affect how we react to events that unfold before us. Do not take responsibility for your thoughts. Do not judge your thoughts. In the past these events happened and samaskaras were formed. If you dealt with them well then often times these events come and go. If you did not deal with them well then we tend to store them. The more difficult your life then the more stuff that you have stored inside. You are doing a destructive thing to yourself when you store negative thoughts. You have a choice not to cling to unpleasant experiences. Your mind creates thoughts all the time. It is a thought making machine. You are simply the awareness that is aware of the thoughts being created. All of your life experiences teach you things. You are going to start to say thank you to these thoughts. You store all the things that have ever bothered you. Then you create conditions for the world to be so the world won't bother you and so the mind can feel safe. You need to not cling onto events in the past and instead let events pass though you. Let them go and don't get involved in them. You get hung up when the world doesn't meet the conditions that your mind created for it in order to feel safe. You need to start accepting reality if you want to be ok inside. Look outside, see the world as it actually is and be ok with it. Come into harmony with the reality that is in front of you so that you can participate in life. How can you bring love and beauty to it? Never start from the position of, "I'm not ok. This is how the world needs to be for me to be ok." You can't count on the conditions of the outside world to go the way that your mind wants them to go in order to feel safe so let it go. Get real. There is no benefit to storing unpleasant experiences. This is serious as if affects the quality of your life. Learn to enjoy the experiences of your life. Your mind is brilliant and is trying to release these negative thoughts. You are choosing to store them. Give yourself a break. Don't miss the moment in front of you. Every second you can practice mindfulness. Be present. Pay attention to the life unfolding before your eyes. An example of when we are not mindful is if you read and your mind is elsewhere and you have to re-read the paragraph you just read. Read that paragraph one time with mindfulness. You will get things done faster and more efficiently.
Step 2: Relax. It's not about your mind. It's about your relationship with the mind. Have fun as you are the only one in there so make light of it! Relax and lean away from your thoughts. This give you time to let it go. Learn to make the choice to let things go. Learn to develop a beginner's mind where everything that happens to you is the first time that it happened. No expectations. No judgements. No comparing with the past. Simply a new experience. Embody the new experience.
Your thoughts hurt you because you get involved in them. It's your resistance to your thoughts that hurt you. Thoughts themselves can't hurt you. Let stuff pass through you. Don't constrict them.
Art is the pinnacle of mindfulness. You are not doing it for yourself. It's doing you. You lose yourself in it. All of your life should be art. Every single second should be you expressing and experiencing. It is never about I'm not ok. How does everyone else need to be for me to be ok? Even the weather. That's a non-starter. Let go of the mess you created inside. Instead create art. You can find art in almost everything, music, cooking, gardening, cleaning, decorating, writing, movement, communication, etc. How can you experience and express your life more? There is creative energy that wants to get out. Instead learn to lose your mind in your art.
I find Michael Singer's work simple to understand, compassionate and beautiful. I love the idea of observing our thoughts, relaxing and losing ourselves in art. I am going to do a 30 day mindfulness challenge for myself, I hope you join in with me. Spend 15 minutes in the morning to meditate. Simply be aware of the thoughts, no judgments and let them pass through you. Next, begin your day with mindfulness. That means to be present every moment of your life unfolding before you. If you find a samaskara coming up then create an awareness around it and choose to let it go. Relax. You will find yourself falling into your thoughts. This is a practice. Through this practice, do not judge yourself. Just let it go. Live the reality in front of you. I have so much mindfulness to practice. Life can be exciting if you choose for it to be. Tap into your creativity and let all the beautiful amazing things come out of you. Express your soul. I want to see what you can do. Heck, I want to see what I can do! I love you all and remember, it doesn't matter what you've done, everything is fixable. Peace, peace, peace, shanti, shanti, shanti. Bliss.
Hello my lovelies,
I've been so backed up on my writings! I've been meditating but then I got busy. I am having my windows replaced on my house, my lanai glassed off and my pool house re-screened. Hooray! I always wanted a really nice house of my own since like forever. It doesn't have to be big but I always wanted it to be nice. In my meditations, I found that my thoughts were on fixing up this house. "This is falling apart" or "water leaks here" or "these colors don't match". I figured that this was obviously telling me something that I really wanted and I should do something about it.
I believe in making your home a beautiful sanctuary for you to come home to and peace out. It should be a place of bliss that calms you and a refuge after going out into the hustle and bustle of the world. When I was married, we were running a dog training business out of the house. I always had the goal or the wish that eventually the business would move out of the house but it never did. Dogs ruled my life. There was a constant flow of dogs moving in and out of the house for board and trains or doggie boot camp. Back in Chicago we would have up to 20 dogs at the house, the business was booming. We moved to Florida and downsized the business to stop boarding but only do boot camps since we started a family. Even with only boot camps, there was a constant rotation of dogs coming and going. It was impossible to fix things up, find quiet time, make things nice or simply keep the place clean. I was unhappy with my home environment. He loves working out of his house and I understand that but our houses were always small. It was too crowded for me.
When we moved to Florida we bought a house that needed a lot of work. The windows were drafty and leaked air, the lanai screens were blown out after 20+ years and hurricanes and I wanted the extra room indoors. The house is on a beautiful lot but everything was slowly needing replacement. Everything. I still live in that house. We never agreed on how to fix up the house and I felt like I was being held back from creating a beautiful house. Now that we are separated, I finally get to do the work on the place to create my beautiful, calm sanctuary. As I was living alone, more and more distractions were removed. I found creative energies flowing through me. I started writing, meditating and creatively creating the house and life of my dreams. I like a quiet, organized and clean house. It just makes me happy. I have much more to go but I am working on it one step at a time. It's exciting to watch it unfold, one step at a time. It's looking more and more beautiful everyday.
I wake up today, meditate on the back lanai facing the trees. No one is home. This is my favorite time of the day. Peace. I run to teach Hot 26 Bikram yoga and then take Jenny's Soulful Sunday yoga class. I pull the "Acceptance" affirmation and listen to Jenny's inspirational teachings. She's absolutely amazing. She asks what makes your soul happy and I talked about how I pulled the Acceptance affirmation. This one is powerful for me because I always felt like I was different from so many people. When I was younger I remember saying how I wanted to be "normal" so bad. I wanted people to like me and I felt like my different was what pushed people away. Letting go of the resistance to be normal and be my different weird self is liberating. What's different about us is what makes life interesting and decorated. Think about how boring the world would be if we were all the same. I invite you to celebrate your uniqueness. I invite you to fully accept yourself. I invite you to throw shame, insecurity, self consciousness out. I invite you to stop trying to be normal. Why not just be your beautiful self? The less you judge others, the less you will judge yourself and come into the fullest expression of your authentic self. Explore life to discover your uniqueness. Test things out. Question everything. Find things our for yourself. Most importantly, relax and have some fun. Life is about celebrating our differences. I personally love your freak flag so fly it high and with pride. Your differences make life colorful. Peace out beautiful people! Much love to you all!
Hello Beautiful People,
I wake up feeling really good this morning. I got lots of sleep. I LOVE SLEEP!!! It is seriously one of the best things that you can do to raise your mood. If you don't feel good then get some extra sleep. Everyone is crabby when they are tired. To prove this, all you have to do is wake up a child too early and see how they act. They immediately start screaming and crying. As adults we know not to do this anymore but inside that is how we feel. Now let that same child sleep as long as they want. When my children are well slept, they love to come into my bedroom and jump, laugh and play all over me. Giggles and all. Natural Hygiene recommends to sleep as much as your body asks for. You can't oversleep. If you are depleted then eventually your body will catch up and you will start to feel good again.
I wake up at 7:30 and go out to my lanai to meditate. I'm half way into my meditation and my mom walks by. I'm sitting in my bliss and she stops and says.
"Amy, can I ask you a question?" Mom
"You are not supposed to ask questions when someone is meditating mom. You have to wait until after." Amy
"What are you thinking about?" Mom
My inside voice is thinking, Go Away. My outside voice says "I'm not going to tell you. We'll talk afterwards."
Inside I'm laughing because it's actually a pretty innocent question but it's super annoying to interrupt someone when meditating. I'm in the middle of witnessing my thoughts and sometimes it takes a moment to let them settle before I can relax into them. Every interruption is like an injection of tension. However, I've learned early in my meditation, that my work is to stay focused during my meditations despite distractions. No matter what. Stay focused! This applies to my life as well.
I think about all the things that I'm learning about Oneness. There is only one source. Different religions are our vehicles to connect with that source. Michael Beckwith says one definition of religion is connection to the source. Whatever name you give source, there is still only one. The Untethered Soul talks about energetically opening ourselves to love to achieve that oneness. After my meditation I go to research a oneness symbol and I find the symbol of the heart with the infinity symbol going through it. This is odd I think. This is also the same symbol for polyamory.
What is polyamory? Polyamory simply means Poly - Many, Amory -Love. Many Loves. The symbol of polyamory is a heart with the infinity symbol going through it meaning that love is infinite. It's really a beautiful concept if you really think about it. I was married and monogamous with my partner for 9 years with two babies 1 & 3 at the time. My partner and I ran a business together. We went on a journey to health both mentally and physically. We hit a wall in our marriage and neither one of us was happy. It was extremely difficult. All I remember thinking was, "Thanks a lot Disney! Where's my happy fucking ending?" Yes, I was pissed that things weren't working out. I consider myself a hard worker and it would be over my dead body if I "failed" at my marriage. It was a struggle and something had to change. I was miserable and my family could see it, especially my mom. So was my partner. I asked for a divorce and he asked for polyamory. "What the fuck is that?" I remember thinking. "You're kidding right?" "I'm going to kill you!" I didn't know the difference between polyamory and polygamy. Polyamory means many loves and polygamy means many wives. They are different.
Polyamory means that either partner is free to date others as long as there is honesty and consent with the premise to "cause no harm". There is a famous polyamorous book called Ethical Slut that promotes the cause no harm premise which basically means no affairs, no cheating. There has to be consent and truth. "Are you serious, is this what you really want?" I say. He responds, "yes I want to feel connected with someone and you and I are on the verge of divorce. What if there is another way? We have the children. We can help each other. If we get divorced we would be dating other people anyway but everything would be much harder for us living on our own with the kids. We can stay together, support each other and look for love outside of our relationship." We watched youtube videos on Connor and Brittnay and they seemed really happy. Maybe it could work? "OMG, OMG, OMG.....no" I respond after many tears. The fear was overwhelming for me in the beginning. Thank you all those years of school and social conditioning for preparing me for this! I wasn't prepared at all. I'm going to die. I think I'm dead.
I go out of town on a vacation to the Big Island Fruit Festival in Hawaii alone with the kids. An opportunity comes up and I call my ex-husband on the phone and say "maybe we should reconsider this open marriage thing." We both seemed to jump onboard the scariest roller coaster ride that you could ever take. Detachment is a bitch and we were super attached and super co-dependent. Ouch! All I can say is that I learned more about myself in the past three years in an open marriage than I did my whole life. They say that polyamory can be considered the fast track to enlightenment because relationships tell you so much about yourself. Who do you choose to date? Why did you choose this person or that? Are there any patterns? Do you keep making the same mistakes? What are you afraid of that's stopping you from success? You get triggered all the time and you get practice facing your fears. Our fears, insecurities and jealousies were very real and very deep. Actually, looking back, I can say that it was the most terrifying time of my life. It seemed like everything that I was afraid of was now staring me in the face and screaming. This isn't to say that there weren't benefits to facing all this fear:)
I had the benefit of someone who knows me very well help me "date". We resolved so many of our own relationship issues because all of a sudden everything was urgent. All the things that you think and feel but you don't really say, are said. Emotions run high. The stakes seem even higher. All I know was that when I proposed a divorce to my now ex-husband that something needed to change. We couldn't keep going down the road that we were on and be happy. I am a truth seeker and I was willing to risk everything for the truth. I figured that if we were right for each other then we would survive the experience and if not then we would find out and not waste our lives with the wrong person. The universe will guide us and I wanted to take that leap of faith to find the truth. We ended up getting that divorce after all and then back together and now I'm at a point where I needed to be alone. I found myself distracted by the whole situation and I wanted to focus on my purpose in life. Self development was calling me. This is not to say that the experience wasn't worth it or that I have any judgement over polyamory. We got into polyamory to fix a broken marriage. Some people begin their relationships with polyamory with success. I believe that people have the right to explore their sexuality without any judgement. This is someone's own private search and discovery for love. My end goal was to find happiness. How do you find it in a relationship? How do we not lose ourselves in the other? What is the key to a happy relationship and how do I get one?
In a way, who is to say that monogamy is the right way anyway? Are we socially conditioned to believe that this is the right way? I'm not saying it's the wrong way either. I am questioning. Who decides? The church? The state? Our peers? School? Our family? I believe that you have the right to explore and figure it out yourself. Only you will know what is right for you.
So many marriages fail, partners cheat or they stay together but are unhappy. There are obviously happily married couples too but they seem few. Are people in relationships for the right reasons or are they dating out of fear or so that the other fulfills some need? How can we find those authentic connections? Can you love more than one person? My opinion is yes. I know you can because it happened to me. How do you know it can't happen to you too? Have you ever tried? Are you scared to try because of what society would think of you? Are you willing to risk everything for the truth? Sometimes we get comfortable in a relationship. Really comfortable and we would never consider such a social experiment. For me, I felt like I had no choice. If polyamory failed then we get a divorce. Monogamy wasn't working for us. I wanted to be happy and I was willing to do whatever it took to find it.
I have a mentor who said yes I should try it. Swim around in that pool for awhile and learn the lessons that are given. Then get out because the drama and sexual perversion can be enervating and distract you. Would you ever try such a thing? Have you ever loved more than one? Can you love more than one? Can you love more than two? or three? Better yet, is your love infinite? Have you tried? Much love to you all. I hope you all find that love and happiness that we are all looking for. We all deserve it. Peace out my friends. I love each and every one of you infinite souls!
I meditate in the rain on my side porch today. It's a light soft rain. I listen to the birds singing, the wind blowing the leaves and the thoughts in my mind. I had a beautiful reader of my blog recommend that I read the Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. It's a book about consciousness. It talks about that little voice in our heads that has Samskaras or impressions on our minds from good or bad experiences that lead us to have conditions on what will or will not make us happy. Michael talks about how we ultimately want to be happy and excited about life. He recommends that we have a choice to do this all the time by simply removing these conditions and be open all the time. Wow, this is powerful stuff!
In my yoga teacher training, I asked my teacher, how can I protect myself from negative energy that I feel from someone else so that it doesn't affect me? She pointed out that I didn't feel safe if I needed to protect myself. This is clearly fear. I realized that I have been blocking my heart. I've literally been shutting my energy off and blocking my heart because of negative samskaras from the past. What would really make me happy is to open my heart. How can I find compassion for this person? How can I live my life without a set of conditions that must be fulfilled in order for me to be happy? How can I lose my fear and stop trying to protect my heart? It's simple? I can choose to be open. I can be open to love all the time. The first step is to witness when this is happening so that I can develop an awareness. The second step is to actively choose to let go of my fear and unblock my heart. I don't need to protect myself all the time. This is creating separation and blocking me from what I really want, happiness.
Overall, this spiritual path that I am on in ultimately about freedom. The journey has been the most exciting ride that I have ever been on. I am so fascinated by all the spiritual gems that I'm learning and they are setting me free! I have to admit, looking at your fears, admitting them and actively making changes to confront them can be terrifying. The joy that can come out of releasing your fears and opening your heart is blissful.
Whenever my kids tell me that they love me, I look at them and tell them that they are tickling my heart. They laugh and giggle. Last night they couldn't stop hugging and kissing my whole face. It was the sweetest thing in the world and yes my heart was bursting. I want my heart to be open all the time and feel love and give love freely like how my children do. Yes sometimes the mommy is the student to the children as their lives are a little untainted by cultural conditioning. They have less samskaras therefore their hearts are more open. Go get this book. It is a gem and thank you sweet Julie for recommending it. I literally couldn't put it down! I'm off to the chiropractor as this is my fifth appointment and supposed to be my last one. Peace out beautiful people and open your hearts all the time. I'm doing the same.
As I meditate in my pool house I think about my Natural Hygiene mentor Robert in Ecuador. He said something to me that struck me and I spent a long time thinking about. He kept asking me what I want in this life and I couldn't give a clear answer. I kept dabbling around all the things that I was unhappy with but I had no clear vision of what I did want. He responds to me... "Your problem Amy, is that you don't know who you are." I get slightly jolted by this comment because I can't fight back. Deep in my heart I know this is true, waaaaaaaaaaahhhh. A deep pouty cry is all I can think as I feel despair and frustration for not knowing the answer to this simple question. How the fuck is it possible to not know who you are?! This was around November 8th, 2016 when we had the following conversation below. He was guiding me as I was somehow on this path to enlightenment and I couldn't get off the ride no matter how scared I was. I needed truth. I was seeking it like it was the last sip of water in the desert in the mid afternoon sun. I felt like truth was the only way to find true happiness and how can I find my own truth. This is a small excerpt from my private memoirs with this amazing and selfless man to whom I will always be grateful for. He spent hours guiding me as I splashed around in the lake of unconsciousness while he coached me to swim the strokes of consciousness. I didn't edit anything. It's raw, it's real, it's part of my journey to discover me.
Ok, so I have tons of beliefs that are a total mind fuck and I can't see the full universe. - Amy
You and everybody else!
You are not alone. Along with the total mind fuck comes the total "I'm me; everything's cool" internal story. The story is believable (it's "me" after all... ;-), it's pretty pliable (resulting in feelings of elation to suicide), and everyone else has their own Me story so you are not alone and bored (you get to have fun comparing notes), and it works reasonably well enough for the "ego-me" to be willing to buy into it and believe it every waking moment. End result is a set of beliefs that seem to work to comprehensively define ourself.
So everyone latches onto their Me story just like you latched onto your firstborn - the baby becomes you, a part of you, more important than anything, worth protecting and defending, no matter what.
It is the same for your Me story - protected and defended to the end, no matter what. - R
I know these beliefs are there and they are causing me pain so what do I do about them? - A
All U can do, literally, is to be willing to look at them.
I know this sounds kinda flaky or even passive. But these stories and sub-stories that are merged with your main 'me' story are NOT amenable to frontal assault. Think about it - millions of people in the world with serious addictions, serious mental illness, serious obsessions and so on - people like this who have tried to deal directly with their problems... nearly zero success. Maybe some partial improvements. That's it. And we are not talking about the 'me story' itself. We are talking just sub-stories within the Me story that are uncomfortable and/or destructive.
So when I say, "All U can do, literally, is to be willing to look at them," it is because looking closely, discerningly, with scalpel in hand, is the only permanent way to get to the bottom of it.
Por ejemplo, if you suddenly feel jealousy, stop immediately and ask yourself, "What, exactly is going on with this? What triggered it? What part of my Me story suddenly lit up in resonance? What threads are snaking around into other similar stories? How am I responding? Defensively? Victimized? Distractive humor? Others?
Do you follow what I am saying with this? Self Inquiry, Self Examination sounds kinda simple to do, but it is actually insanely difficult. With every tiny attempt to look objectively at yourself, your Me will instantly summon up all kinds of distraction mechanisms, anger mechanisms, self-righteous mechanisms, bravado mechanisms, victim mechanisms, on and on. Every attempt at full objectivity will be met with full and total attack. This gives you some sense of how well-defended the Me story is.
While it seems that the Me story is pretty much unbeatable, the truth is that if you can stay with it, emotional discharges begin to happen, bleeding off excess emotional energy. Soon whole chunks of the Me story begin to crack, loosen, even fall off. It is a wild and crazy process.
I know you can do it. But it takes courage, and that type of courage is unlike any other.... cuz this courage requires going IN and getting rid of the bad guys. Society knows all about and praises courage going OUT - killing the enemy, battling the fire, saving the drowning person. But going inside, hunting, finding and killing off your own demons... that's a whole 'nother thing. Someone once called it "the taboo against knowing yourself." - R
Do I have to go into isolation to peel away the beliefs? - A
Can happen anywhere, at any time... but best when alone and quiet. - R
How do you stop believing in old beliefs that don't serve you? - A
Pick them apart, because taking them on wholesale is impossible (see above). Find cracks where a chisel can be inserted. To find them, be humble and honest about yourself... frankly, call yourself on your shit whenever it appears, and notice the clever tricks that arise that are meant to distract, divert and re-enforce the Me story. -R
It's lonely going this route but I also can't go back. Humans are gregarious so this really sucks to lose people you care about or maybe those weren't true friendships in the first place. Maybe I should only think about the new people that will replace the old people. Just seems like there's so few who are aware of their inauthentic self and trying to find their authentic self or just be authentic and they are scattered all of the planet, like not living in one centralized location where it's easy to bump into other authentic people. - A
A few things about these lines above...
1) Lonely - very true. At first is feels lonely because a large part of your Me story is supported by others reflecting your Me back to you. IOW, your Me story is hard to hold together if you are getting zero feedback from others. Any identity that you create for/about yourself doesn't really mean anything if there is no one else to 'present' it to. Taking it to the extreme, suppose some calamity happens and you are the last and only person on earth. With that situation, what is the point of putting on makeup, getting your hair styled, brushing your teeth, even wearing clothes or jewelry or anything like that? If your Me story, your ego costume has no one else to compare or compete with, no one else to judge, no one else to 'play' with... then suddenly you realize that 90+% of daily life is seen as prepping and preening -pointless activities that are utterly inauthentic. IOW, BS.
2) Eventually the desperate loneliness morphs into sublime aloneness. Though you are 'alone', you are also merged with All That Is, Oneness. There is no loneliness possible. With Oneness, there is no twoness anywhere. The feeling and appearance of separateness is gone forever. Very amazing and profound and deeply satisfying. - R
As I re-read this email, I am honestly impressed with my questions! Looking back, I already started my journey to discover myself. I just didn't know how long it would take. It's now, April 25th, 2019 and I'm still having "ah-ha" moments as Oprah calls them. Life needed to play it's story for me before I could really start to see more about who I am. I had to get the chisel out and start hammering away and get really real with myself for me to sift through the conscious beliefs that I had about myself and the unconscious beliefs I had about myself. The conscious beliefs are my truth and the unconscious ones are the cultural conditioning layered on thick.
I had an old lover and his friend come over the other day. We've become dear friends. I started my meditation project because of this person. He's younger than me and there was a part of me that didn't want to see him because society wouldn't approve. I thought to myself, maybe it's time to challenge my beliefs so I go out with him. I learned a lot from my friend as he was also on a path to enlightenment. There was a time when I was really frustrated with life and I looked at him and I said, "what should I do?". He looked at me with the most sincere, kind eyes and said, "You need to meditate". I'm thinking to myself, "no fucking way". I'm a do'er. I don't want to sit and do nothing. I'm in a hurry and I have a lot of stuff to do. I wrestle with my demons some more with no answers and I finally surrender. I think what if I say "yes, and", my old improv rules, and I stop resisting advice given to me. How can this young guy be so damn smart? I didn't meditate right away as I had to let the thought ponder. After the thought brewed in my mind for awhile, I stopped. I sat. I got quiet. And I heard squirrels! I literally heard squirrels in the roof of my fucking house! I was thinking that god is laughing his ass off right now. What a metaphor for what was going on in my mind! It literally took about 3 months to remove the squirrels. It felt like there was all sorts of things falling apart in my life, literally that needed to get fixed. With each external issue that I addressed and fixed, then it seemed like it also cleaned up an internal issue.
I decided to go sober for awhile and felt like I could see clearly for the first time in years. I'm alone, but not really alone. I'm now taking care of three people in my life. How the heck is all of this possible? I'm somehow doing the impossible that I never thought I'd be able to do. I'm somehow finding myself. I still have a lot further to go but now I am not as scared as I was in the past. I feel like I can handle this. My friend came over the other day and introduced me to a spiritual teacher named Adyashanti. I started watching his videos and he had a video called, "How to trust yourself!". I think to myself, "yes Adyashanti, tell me how do I trust myself?"
Adya's video resinated with me deep within my core. There are times when people say things and you just know they are right without explanation. This is one of them. He talked about listening to your intuition also known as the "still small voice". It is almost like a whisper in the stillness. I know this stillness because of my meditation practice. Sometimes your intuition doesn't arise in words, it is a feel within the body and it won't justify itself. It is quick. If you aren't listening then you will miss it. Learn to trust the spirit within you, not the ego or personality. This is something that comes from stillness. I'm literally blown away by this teaching. He explained the still small voice so beautifully and clearly.
As I'm meditating in the sun on my lawn chair, I'm in heaven. The sun is warm. Nobody is home. I'm in the stillness. What does my little small voice say? It tells me to get naked in the sun! What the heck? Are you sure little small voice? "Yes! It's ok", it says. Ok, no-one is around and I have a private yard so heck yeah! It feels so free to sit in the sun becoming one with nature the way that we and everything is made. I feel the warm sun on my chest and it feels like the sun is hugging me. I hear a noise and almost have a heart attack thinking someone is there, but I am alone. Relax, enjoy. If you ever get a chance to have a private moment in nature to lay in the sun then I highly recommend it. Especially if it is just you having a moment with yourself. It's exhilarating. It feels like I'm accepting myself for all that I am. I feel myself returning to myself. Self acceptance. Peace. Bliss. I love you all and I hope this last paragraph didn't shock your pants off but it's the truth and it's fun and you gotta try it. Big smile. Big hug. Peace out! Besos!
I meditate by my pool house today after I drop off the kicks. It's a beautiful morning. The birds are singing. The weather is still cool. The sun softly shines at 8:30am. I keep thinking about the Michael Beckwith's youtube video that I watched yesterday and posted in yesterday's blog, "Michael Beckwith Leave Mediocrity Behind You with Lewis Howes". Towards the end of the video Michael talks about how mediocrity attacks greatness. He says how nobody talks about you if are sitting at home eating potato chips but if you are doing something with your life then mediocrity loves to attack it. My mind was wondering about this topic because I want to continue to grow spiritually, mentally, physically. I work really hard. I often get the comment that I work too hard. I don't think so. It's true that I work really hard but not "too hard". I'm not getting compensated for how hard I work but I do it anyway because I love the growth. When we stop, stagnate and cease to grow then that is how we create our own personal hell. I am in complete alignment with where my life needs to go and I don't want to stop. It's exciting to feel myself find my personal power.
After my lovely meditation I research mediocrity on youtube and for some reason I clicked on "Never Settle for Mediocrity" David Goggins Top 10 Rules. I don't even know who David Goggins is but it turns out he's an ultramarathon runner, triathlete, etc. He's a pro athlete. I proceed to watch his video which inspires the heck out of me. Seriously, I feel like I can do anything with my life and I really identify with what he is talking about. One thing that resonates for me that he kept mentioning was that when he is training, then he is also training his mind. In Natural Hygiene there is a whole section on self mastery which is basically having control over your choices in life. For example, if your intention is to lose weight then you consciously make the choice to not eat the chocolate cake for desert. In a way we are callus'ing the mind. He says that if it's raining outside then he needs to run. Everything that he didn't want to do was what brought him success. I feel like it is true. As I train in my yoga classes, I am training my mind. As my practice gets stronger, then my mind gets stronger. I'm finding my strength through discipline and a constant desire for growth. I'm not thinking about the end goal as much as I am thinking about, what is my next step?
I want enlightenment in my life. For me that is simply means breaking away from the fears that hold you back from your infinite potential. I want to tap into my infinite potential, thrive, create and play. It is an incredible feeling to feel like some of the things you never thought you could do, are within reach. I'm not only talking about yoga. This transfers over to everything in your life. When you have fear and promote fear then you live a small life. I want my life to be big. As David Goggins says, train your mind to say "How am I going to do this?". "Don't manage expectations, exceed them! Be in constant pursuit of greatness. Work on your weakness so you grow so that no matter what life throws at you then you will be able to handle it. Then you will not fall apart." I can relate to this because honestly, I feel like life was "too hard" for me for a long time. I was falling apart. I wasn't handling it well so I am working on my weakness. I am training my mind. I am working really hard. I have discipline. I am working on removing distractions so that I can get there. I feel my internal strength growing. I feel grounded and confident. I really like the person that I am. Yes I still have good and bad days but I'm working on it.
I think about how can I train my mind to handle what is going to happen with my parents. My greatest fear through all their health problems is their death. How can I prepare for this so that I don't fall apart. It's coming but I still have time. They both are very sick, my dad with Alzheimer's and my mother with Crohn's, Parkinson's, Edema and kidney stones. I'm working on making the best of it with them and making the best of myself. I'm about pick up my son from pre-school, go to the chiropractor for my hip (this is my 4th trip), and take my mom to her movement therapy so she can work on the gait with her walk. I'm making arrangements with my mom so that we can visit my dad in Tampa once a week. She misses him. There is a yoga studio in Tampa that I want to train at so I am trying to arrange our visits so that I can take a class and visit my dad. I am growing through the friction in my life. It will all be alright. Don't let mediocrity slow you down. If you have a dream or a goal and you want to do it then go for it. Don't worry about what people say about you. Do it for yourself because you want greatness in your life. You can do it and you deserve it. Do it with me! Peace out my beauties.
P.S. Actionhiro is the instragram photo at the top and he has an amazing instagram page.
Do you ever have days when you are just angry? Today I wake up to get my kids ready for school and then take my mom to the doctor's to get an Endoscopy. I am tired and I have to wait in the doctor's office for her for about 3 hours. I have a lot of stuff to do and this isn't how I wanted to spend my time. The night before I felt overwhelmed with requests from the three people that I'm taking care of in my life. It literally felt like I couldn't sit down and I couldn't do everything they wanted fast enough. I have some time to work at home but I'm interrupted a lot which makes it hard to focus. I didn't get the kids to bed on time despite my efforts. I really needed more sleep but didn't sleep well.
I had a dream about an old friend from college whom I loved dearly who betrayed me. In the dream I was begging her to talk to me because it was a misunderstanding. I opened up to her about some sensitive feelings and energy that I felt coming from another friend towards me. She told my other friend everything I told her and both girls stopped talking to me. They ended our friendship which really hurt me because I had a rocking family life and I used to rely on my friends for support. I had a conflict between feeling angry for being betrayed and a deep sadness because I loved these people. I missed their friendship. I think that if we could talk then they would see it was a misunderstanding. They won't answer when I reach out to them. I have to let it go. It hurt. I woke up suddenly from the dream at 3:30am and couldn't sleep afterwards. Why did I dream about this now? 10+ years later? Nothing is a coincidence.
I wrestle to go back to sleep and can't. I try to meditate laying down just to settle my mind. I can feel thoughts scatter sporadically as I am frustrated. I turn on youtube to watch Michael Beckwith. I am not a big church goer but I would go to his church in LA in a heartbeat. I wish I could go there and meet him. He inspires me and I feel aligned with so much that he teaches. Maybe I need to start a church like his in Florida. I'm comforted by his videos and they help settle down this frustration and anger inside of me as I attempt to process my feelings. I posted his video at the bottom of this post.
I go out to eat with my mom after her endoscopy and come home. I feel angry that my mom doesn't take more responsibility for her health and I'm scared for her. I meditate for 30 minutes and the combination of resting, the sun and the stillness already makes me feel better. As I meditate I am asking for creativity and manifestation. How can I manifest this beautiful life? Am I on the right track? If so then how can I speed it up because it's going slower than I would like. I have two more months of my 300 hour yoga teacher training left and I read Hand of Light about auras. I look up this author as I often do on youtube. I like to see a face to the writing and also listen to the person talk on the topic to speed up my comprehension of the topic. As I meditate I think about my auras. I saw indigo today with violet bleeding into it. Then that would disappear and green would surround the border. No colors stuck too long. I would see them for a moment and they were gone. Occasionally I would see a tiny rainbow. Gone. I get up and get ready to do some work. I feel grounded once again.
As I go inside my house I recall an incident that happened in my yoga teacher training. My teacher was teaching us about auras and had us in a meditation while sitting against the wall. She was calling out colors for us to see. I don't always have control over what colors I see in my auras. She called out purple and I was seeing nothing but a bright red. I was trying to change it to purple and couldn't. In the middle of the meditation she asked another student interpret the color but said they were distracted because somebody was still on red. This spooked me out. I apologized but was also totally perplexed that she knew someone was stuck on red. Only I really knew that I was stuck on red. How did she know? This is one of the reasons why I am fascinated by multi-sensory perception.
I go inside and look up anger online. It's not always bad to feel anger. A lot of times I try to repress my anger because I want to be happy, positive and I want everyone to get along. I read a blog about how anger can be an empowering gift. It's the universe telling me things. It's ok to feel all my emotions, even the ones that are considered bad. I'm relieved to read this as it's not easy to deny my feelings. Anger can be telling me that something doesn't feel right. It can be used as a guide. Something needs to change. Maybe my boundaries are being crossed. Maybe this is residual emotions that have been buried and simply need to come out. Maybe I need to just allow myself to feel it fully and let it go. Peace out beautiful people. Do you ever get anger? If so let me know, what makes you angry? I love you. Thank you for listening!
Guilty as charged! Yes, through living alone I realize that I'm a people pleaser! I compromised my true self to keep the peace and to please others. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we afraid of what other people think? Maybe they won't like something but does it mean that they won't like us? Are we afraid of not being accepted or loved? We all have this tender side of us that yearns for love. I would say that it is a need. We need to be loved. So in the process of trying to get what we want, love and security, we fear to be our true selves. Does this ring a bell for anyone? For me, I would say YES! Absolutely!
I noticed this when I was younger. I seemed to be able to float around to different groups and act differently with each different group based on what the norm was. I used to think I was like a chameleon. I wanted everyone to like me and I couldn't stand it if someone didn't. I never bothered to think, do I like this person? Or do I like myself in this situation? I just had this overall need for love and acceptance. I had a fear that if I didn't smoke like the smokers with the smoker group or drink like the drinkers in the drinker group or act innocent and conservative in the innocent and conservative group then people wouldn't like me. Like holy fucking shit, the world will end if someone doesn't like me. The problem with all this insecurity is that I didn't know who I am. Somehow layers and layers of social conditioning has impacted my belief system. What the fuck do I really believe and why can't I seem to make a stand or commitment to it? Honestly, I'm afraid to even say fuck in my blog so all you mother fuckers like me, lmao! I don't even know who is reading this darn thing but there is a side of me that wants your approval! I really do swear sometimes when I am being myself or when I feel passionate about something. That's just the fucking truth and it feels really good to swear right now! Shit:) I hope you still like me:)
Over the past couple months I have been meditating so that I can peel the layers of beliefs back to see who I really am for the first time since I was a kid! Who am I? What do I want? What do I REALLY believe without worrying about what anyone thinks besides me? How do I start to walk into my authentic self? How can I drop my fears about trying to please everybody on this planet besides myself? If I was the last person on Earth then what would I do with my time? Who would I be if I didn't have to get anybody else's approval?
To be honest, these are really tough questions and I'm still in the process of unpeeling the layers. Through this process, I'm getting closer to the core of my true essence. Simply writing this blog and opening up about my life is confronting my fears about others accepting me. In a way it's kind of like telling my people pleasing disease to fuck off. It's about loving my true self no matter how wild or crazy or different I may be from society. It's about dropping my fear that someone won't like me and being ok with that. I need to let go of my need to have everyone like me. A lot of people just won't. I feel like it may be because I'm questioning society, myself, my beliefs and simply trying to grow. I want to live my life without the mother fucking judges judging me. For me to really do this, I realized that I also needed to bury my judge. I also judge people. I questioned society and in the process of me being different now I judged all the "normal" people. I needed to find the Death of My Judge. My judge was only creating separation for me when we are all really one. We need each other. Let's stop judging.
The more that I bury my judge, the more free I feel. People should have the right to explore their lives however they need to without judgment as long as it causes no harm in order to see who they really are. In a way there is some danger to group mentality. We are gregarious by design and nature but there are times when we need to leave the group to find our own beliefs. We can't be afraid to spend some time alone. It's ok. It won't last forever. Some tribal cultures will practice this where once a child reaches a certain age they make them leave the group for some time to go see the world. When they come back their view of the world changes because now they can see outside of the bubble of the group. Explore! Learn! Grow! Life is more exciting this way. Yes it is more challenging because you have to face your fears but it is ok. You only have one life. Live it without regrets. Live it being your authentic self. Live it with joy. Learn to love yourself more than the opinions of the judges. They say that when someone is triggered by you then that is the problem of the triggerer and not the person who triggered them. When someone is triggered then it is a fear within them that you might be scratching. If you recognize this then don't judge them. Simply recognize their fear and if they are ever curious to ask, then help them. You might learn something too in the process. Find the Oneness. I fucking love all you beautiful crazy belief challenging people. Now stop being a people pleaser, kill your judge and find the joy in who you really are. Peace, Love, Joy, Bliss, FREEDOM!
Hello beautiful people, This is my health blog designed to encourage you to live your best life. Hopefully my experiences will positively influence your life somehow!