Guilty as charged! Yes, through living alone I realize that I'm a people pleaser! I compromised my true self to keep the peace and to please others. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we afraid of what other people think? Maybe they won't like something but does it mean that they won't like us? Are we afraid of not being accepted or loved? We all have this tender side of us that yearns for love. I would say that it is a need. We need to be loved. So in the process of trying to get what we want, love and security, we fear to be our true selves. Does this ring a bell for anyone? For me, I would say YES! Absolutely!
I noticed this when I was younger. I seemed to be able to float around to different groups and act differently with each different group based on what the norm was. I used to think I was like a chameleon. I wanted everyone to like me and I couldn't stand it if someone didn't. I never bothered to think, do I like this person? Or do I like myself in this situation? I just had this overall need for love and acceptance. I had a fear that if I didn't smoke like the smokers with the smoker group or drink like the drinkers in the drinker group or act innocent and conservative in the innocent and conservative group then people wouldn't like me. Like holy fucking shit, the world will end if someone doesn't like me. The problem with all this insecurity is that I didn't know who I am. Somehow layers and layers of social conditioning has impacted my belief system. What the fuck do I really believe and why can't I seem to make a stand or commitment to it? Honestly, I'm afraid to even say fuck in my blog so all you mother fuckers like me, lmao! I don't even know who is reading this darn thing but there is a side of me that wants your approval! I really do swear sometimes when I am being myself or when I feel passionate about something. That's just the fucking truth and it feels really good to swear right now! Shit:) I hope you still like me:)
Over the past couple months I have been meditating so that I can peel the layers of beliefs back to see who I really am for the first time since I was a kid! Who am I? What do I want? What do I REALLY believe without worrying about what anyone thinks besides me? How do I start to walk into my authentic self? How can I drop my fears about trying to please everybody on this planet besides myself? If I was the last person on Earth then what would I do with my time? Who would I be if I didn't have to get anybody else's approval?
To be honest, these are really tough questions and I'm still in the process of unpeeling the layers. Through this process, I'm getting closer to the core of my true essence. Simply writing this blog and opening up about my life is confronting my fears about others accepting me. In a way it's kind of like telling my people pleasing disease to fuck off. It's about loving my true self no matter how wild or crazy or different I may be from society. It's about dropping my fear that someone won't like me and being ok with that. I need to let go of my need to have everyone like me. A lot of people just won't. I feel like it may be because I'm questioning society, myself, my beliefs and simply trying to grow. I want to live my life without the mother fucking judges judging me. For me to really do this, I realized that I also needed to bury my judge. I also judge people. I questioned society and in the process of me being different now I judged all the "normal" people. I needed to find the Death of My Judge. My judge was only creating separation for me when we are all really one. We need each other. Let's stop judging.
The more that I bury my judge, the more free I feel. People should have the right to explore their lives however they need to without judgment as long as it causes no harm in order to see who they really are. In a way there is some danger to group mentality. We are gregarious by design and nature but there are times when we need to leave the group to find our own beliefs. We can't be afraid to spend some time alone. It's ok. It won't last forever. Some tribal cultures will practice this where once a child reaches a certain age they make them leave the group for some time to go see the world. When they come back their view of the world changes because now they can see outside of the bubble of the group. Explore! Learn! Grow! Life is more exciting this way. Yes it is more challenging because you have to face your fears but it is ok. You only have one life. Live it without regrets. Live it being your authentic self. Live it with joy. Learn to love yourself more than the opinions of the judges. They say that when someone is triggered by you then that is the problem of the triggerer and not the person who triggered them. When someone is triggered then it is a fear within them that you might be scratching. If you recognize this then don't judge them. Simply recognize their fear and if they are ever curious to ask, then help them. You might learn something too in the process. Find the Oneness. I fucking love all you beautiful crazy belief challenging people. Now stop being a people pleaser, kill your judge and find the joy in who you really are. Peace, Love, Joy, Bliss, FREEDOM!