Hello Beautiful People,
I wake up feeling really good this morning. I got lots of sleep. I LOVE SLEEP!!! It is seriously one of the best things that you can do to raise your mood. If you don't feel good then get some extra sleep. Everyone is crabby when they are tired. To prove this, all you have to do is wake up a child too early and see how they act. They immediately start screaming and crying. As adults we know not to do this anymore but inside that is how we feel. Now let that same child sleep as long as they want. When my children are well slept, they love to come into my bedroom and jump, laugh and play all over me. Giggles and all. Natural Hygiene recommends to sleep as much as your body asks for. You can't oversleep. If you are depleted then eventually your body will catch up and you will start to feel good again.
I wake up at 7:30 and go out to my lanai to meditate. I'm half way into my meditation and my mom walks by. I'm sitting in my bliss and she stops and says.
"Amy, can I ask you a question?" Mom
"You are not supposed to ask questions when someone is meditating mom. You have to wait until after." Amy
"What are you thinking about?" Mom
My inside voice is thinking, Go Away. My outside voice says "I'm not going to tell you. We'll talk afterwards."
Inside I'm laughing because it's actually a pretty innocent question but it's super annoying to interrupt someone when meditating. I'm in the middle of witnessing my thoughts and sometimes it takes a moment to let them settle before I can relax into them. Every interruption is like an injection of tension. However, I've learned early in my meditation, that my work is to stay focused during my meditations despite distractions. No matter what. Stay focused! This applies to my life as well.
I think about all the things that I'm learning about Oneness. There is only one source. Different religions are our vehicles to connect with that source. Michael Beckwith says one definition of religion is connection to the source. Whatever name you give source, there is still only one. The Untethered Soul talks about energetically opening ourselves to love to achieve that oneness. After my meditation I go to research a oneness symbol and I find the symbol of the heart with the infinity symbol going through it. This is odd I think. This is also the same symbol for polyamory.
What is polyamory? Polyamory simply means Poly - Many, Amory -Love. Many Loves. The symbol of polyamory is a heart with the infinity symbol going through it meaning that love is infinite. It's really a beautiful concept if you really think about it. I was married and monogamous with my partner for 9 years with two babies 1 & 3 at the time. My partner and I ran a business together. We went on a journey to health both mentally and physically. We hit a wall in our marriage and neither one of us was happy. It was extremely difficult. All I remember thinking was, "Thanks a lot Disney! Where's my happy fucking ending?" Yes, I was pissed that things weren't working out. I consider myself a hard worker and it would be over my dead body if I "failed" at my marriage. It was a struggle and something had to change. I was miserable and my family could see it, especially my mom. So was my partner. I asked for a divorce and he asked for polyamory. "What the fuck is that?" I remember thinking. "You're kidding right?" "I'm going to kill you!" I didn't know the difference between polyamory and polygamy. Polyamory means many loves and polygamy means many wives. They are different.
Polyamory means that either partner is free to date others as long as there is honesty and consent with the premise to "cause no harm". There is a famous polyamorous book called Ethical Slut that promotes the cause no harm premise which basically means no affairs, no cheating. There has to be consent and truth. "Are you serious, is this what you really want?" I say. He responds, "yes I want to feel connected with someone and you and I are on the verge of divorce. What if there is another way? We have the children. We can help each other. If we get divorced we would be dating other people anyway but everything would be much harder for us living on our own with the kids. We can stay together, support each other and look for love outside of our relationship." We watched youtube videos on Connor and Brittnay and they seemed really happy. Maybe it could work? "OMG, OMG, OMG.....no" I respond after many tears. The fear was overwhelming for me in the beginning. Thank you all those years of school and social conditioning for preparing me for this! I wasn't prepared at all. I'm going to die. I think I'm dead.
I go out of town on a vacation to the Big Island Fruit Festival in Hawaii alone with the kids. An opportunity comes up and I call my ex-husband on the phone and say "maybe we should reconsider this open marriage thing." We both seemed to jump onboard the scariest roller coaster ride that you could ever take. Detachment is a bitch and we were super attached and super co-dependent. Ouch! All I can say is that I learned more about myself in the past three years in an open marriage than I did my whole life. They say that polyamory can be considered the fast track to enlightenment because relationships tell you so much about yourself. Who do you choose to date? Why did you choose this person or that? Are there any patterns? Do you keep making the same mistakes? What are you afraid of that's stopping you from success? You get triggered all the time and you get practice facing your fears. Our fears, insecurities and jealousies were very real and very deep. Actually, looking back, I can say that it was the most terrifying time of my life. It seemed like everything that I was afraid of was now staring me in the face and screaming. This isn't to say that there weren't benefits to facing all this fear:)
I had the benefit of someone who knows me very well help me "date". We resolved so many of our own relationship issues because all of a sudden everything was urgent. All the things that you think and feel but you don't really say, are said. Emotions run high. The stakes seem even higher. All I know was that when I proposed a divorce to my now ex-husband that something needed to change. We couldn't keep going down the road that we were on and be happy. I am a truth seeker and I was willing to risk everything for the truth. I figured that if we were right for each other then we would survive the experience and if not then we would find out and not waste our lives with the wrong person. The universe will guide us and I wanted to take that leap of faith to find the truth. We ended up getting that divorce after all and then back together and now I'm at a point where I needed to be alone. I found myself distracted by the whole situation and I wanted to focus on my purpose in life. Self development was calling me. This is not to say that the experience wasn't worth it or that I have any judgement over polyamory. We got into polyamory to fix a broken marriage. Some people begin their relationships with polyamory with success. I believe that people have the right to explore their sexuality without any judgement. This is someone's own private search and discovery for love. My end goal was to find happiness. How do you find it in a relationship? How do we not lose ourselves in the other? What is the key to a happy relationship and how do I get one?
In a way, who is to say that monogamy is the right way anyway? Are we socially conditioned to believe that this is the right way? I'm not saying it's the wrong way either. I am questioning. Who decides? The church? The state? Our peers? School? Our family? I believe that you have the right to explore and figure it out yourself. Only you will know what is right for you.
So many marriages fail, partners cheat or they stay together but are unhappy. There are obviously happily married couples too but they seem few. Are people in relationships for the right reasons or are they dating out of fear or so that the other fulfills some need? How can we find those authentic connections? Can you love more than one person? My opinion is yes. I know you can because it happened to me. How do you know it can't happen to you too? Have you ever tried? Are you scared to try because of what society would think of you? Are you willing to risk everything for the truth? Sometimes we get comfortable in a relationship. Really comfortable and we would never consider such a social experiment. For me, I felt like I had no choice. If polyamory failed then we get a divorce. Monogamy wasn't working for us. I wanted to be happy and I was willing to do whatever it took to find it.
I have a mentor who said yes I should try it. Swim around in that pool for awhile and learn the lessons that are given. Then get out because the drama and sexual perversion can be enervating and distract you. Would you ever try such a thing? Have you ever loved more than one? Can you love more than one? Can you love more than two? or three? Better yet, is your love infinite? Have you tried? Much love to you all. I hope you all find that love and happiness that we are all looking for. We all deserve it. Peace out my friends. I love each and every one of you infinite souls!