Over the years of dating, I've run into a few things. I never really thought about the psychology of dating but as you get burned you learn to wisen up. I was talking to a friend yesterday who went to a Matt Khan conference. He is a spiritual teacher/life coach. At his conference, she was telling me, he said to never start a new relationship until your existing relationship is over. This triggered a memory for me of someone that I explored dating.
The person wanted to be my friend and arranged to hang out as "friends" for some time. I wasn't really sure what was going on and I didn't want to be rude to ask. It was obvious there was some energy between us but neither of us said much about it. From my perspective, this person wanted to date but they were still in a relationship. I was thinking that eventually things would end between them but it went on for months and they were still together. Every few weeks my friend would call me up to hang out. I was confused because if he wanted to date then why were they calling me while they were still in a relationship. I don't want to be put into that situation. I don't always know what they other person's intentions are so I have to ask and trust that they are telling me the truth. What I was experiencing was someone trying to secure a new relationship with me before they let go of the old relationship. This is called Monkey Bar Dating. Monkey-bar dating involves the inability to let go of one relationship until there is another relationship firmly in their grasp. From my experience this isn't the best situation to get yourself in. I say this because I seemed to make all the mistakes when choosing who to date and I had to sit back and evaluate what was going on so I could stop making the same mistakes. How could I be more conscious when dating so that I can make better decisions? Let's examine why someone may monkey bar date.
Someone who monkey bar dates may have a few people that they are trying to secure a new relationship with before letting go of the old one. They are doing this to secure not being alone and may arrange many options. You may think that you are the only one but often times the person has many people to secure a new relationship. I was very naive because I was honest with my partners. Your partner may not be honest with you so don't assume because you are being honest that they are too. In a monkey bar dating situation don't be surprised if things are blissful and heavenly one day and the next you fall flat on your face the next. You may fall hard, just like falling off of a monkey bar.
Often times people who are serial daters are monkey bar daters and they are addicted to New Energy Excitement, also known as NRE. They stay in the first relationship until the excitement wears off and is already off looking for the next relationship before letting go of the first. They like the romance and that happy giddy feeling. They crave the constant attention, the excitement of the first kiss or learning someone new. They are always looking for someone better so don't be shocked if you aren't "the one". The courting of the honeymoon period, dressing up and behaving your best can be exciting. Don't get too carried away yet because, I like to say, "shit hasn't gotten real yet". The daily grind that most of us are in and the reality of the totality of someone else's life hasn't necessarily presented itself yet. Many times fear about learning or experiencing the reality of their entire life keeps them in the beginning stages of a relationship. They get addicted to the NRE and leave the old relationship with almost no conscious. They don't care if they hurt your feelings, they are more worried about protecting theirs. Many times, these people are driven by fear or a simple lack of consciousness about the other person's feelings.
Monkey bar daters hate being single. They may have a plethora of options available swinging from one monkey bar to the next leaving the old relationship as quickly a new one becomes available. Often times the old partner is left in shock, bewildered, heart broken and confused. How could we be so high and now it is over out of nowhere like a light switch turning on and off? Often times someone who is monkey bar dating is insecure and they are seeking the confidence that your attention gives them. They suck your energy like the vampire archetype. Are they afraid to be alone? This situation can leave you feeling insecure and worthless afterwards. It's toxic because your confidence can be rattled after the relationship ends.
Many times monkey bar daters are skeptical about love thinking that once someone gets past the NRE stage and their partner gets to really know them that they will no longer love them. Many times these people have had bad experiences that have happened to them that prevent them from really opening up. Let's face it, it's scary to open our hearts because they are so soft and tender. No one wants to get hurt. No one is also perfect. If you are guilty of monkey bar dating then I invite you to face your fears of being alone and do some self work. Often times we get into trouble because fear runs our lives instead of taking the time to learn who we are. Take the time to learn yourself better and consequently choose someone who is in alignment with your life vision. We all deserve to be happy. Learn to do some shadow work and face your fears so you can overcome them. This will empower you and give you a confidence that doesn't end when a relationship ends.
If you find yourself in a situation where a monkey bar dater is trying to date you then I recommend to stay away until that person has done some self work. Believe in yourself to hold out for the right person. Believe that you are worth all the love in the world and recognize that a monkey bar dater isn't a bad person, they are just a person who has more evolving to do. I like to think of it as a person who still has a demon or fear hanging over their head. Love yourself first. Take the time to get to know yourself as well. What do you want out of life? How can you find that for yourself and be your own hero? When you are whole then you will see more clearly. You will recognize when others have done some of this self work. That will be attractive to you. Most importantly, you will be more attractive. Learning about monkey bar dating is just a tool for you to learn how to be a better dater. I would love to see you all find beautiful love and happiness. I hope you are more aware and through that awareness, make better decisions. Learn the art of making choices in life that lift you up. A huge part of this puzzle piece is having self love and real self confidence. It's easy to say you have self confidence but do you really feel it? It's my opinion that it takes falling in love with yourself first. Peace, love & light from my humble heart to yours. I wish you all lots of healing and lots of love.