Two nights ago I had one of the most profound healing talks with my mom ever. Honestly, I spent the past year plus being angry with her to the point where I stopped talking to her. My son cracked his skull from a fall I took him to the ER. They gave him a cat scan and an iv but were not able to do anything other than monitor him. He did have some bleeding on the brain but it was small and there was no midline shift. My mother was worried about him and she wanted me to take him to the ER again. I was there and I saw the x-rays and talked with the doctors. I disagreed and felt he was better at home without the chaos of the hospital. He cried a lot at the hospital with the IV and they couldn't find his veins on 3 limbs and he wailed in the cat scan. I really am into self healing unless absolutely necessary. I saw the x-rays and made a call based on the doctors responses and I also have a Natural Hygiene doctor who I asked for advice. I decided he would best recover resting at home with peace and quiet.
I nursed him at home and at the hospital they didn't want me to nurse him just in case he needed surgery. The nursing really calmed him down. He would stop crying and rest. Every time I had to hand him over for some inspection he started crying a lot. I don't see how all that crying is helpful for a baby with a head injury. Crying causes stress and in my opinion, he needed to stay calm. Nursing calmed him like some kind of magical drug. Holding him close to me calmed him. He would stay latched on extra long and cling to me. I was thanking god that I was still nursing him at 2 because I had a gift that I could give my injured baby. Nursing for me was very difficult because I had a breast reduction when I was 26 before I got into Natural Hygiene or understood the benefits of breast feeding. I'm so glad that I worked through nursing my children despite my reduction.
At the hospital, I had this wild protective side of me that would ask the doctors everything they were doing. I took photos and elected out of some things that I didn't feel was necessary. After his overnight stay, I took him home as soon as I could so he could rest in peace and quiet which I honestly felt was the best thing for him. He wanted to move around and not lay only in a supine position at the hospital. This was difficult for him to do with all the tubes attached to him. He was uncomfortable. My mother was worried and called the police and DCFS on me for not taking him back to the hospital again approximately 2 days after the incident. I had follow up appointments with a neurologist and his pediatrician so I felt the ER wasn't necessary. I was beside myself with hurt, anger, betrayal and fear that the government would take my children away. Most importantly I was doing what I thought was necessary to protect my sons health. Was it possible that I was wrong, yes? But it was also possible that the doctors at the hospital could have made a mistake too. It happens all the time and I can't help but feel like our American medical system is a business. They are going to try to sell surgeries or prescriptions all while following their "policies" to protect their business. I'm skeptical that their policies are in the best interest of my son's health.
I'm very careful about surgeries unless they are absolutely necessary because my mother had a bad surgery when I was 17 and it was the beginning of the decline of her health. I watched her suffer for 26 years because of a botched hysterectomy which lead to one problem after another. When they took out her uterus they accidentally cut her colon. They didn't give her an enema before surgery so the doctors were literally trying to keep the feces from getting into her blood stream while they stapled her shut. She was in surgery extra long and she looked terrible afterwards. She was pooping green after the surgery and never really recovered from that surgery. It was an optional surgery to remove a benign cyst that could have dissolved on it's own with healthy eating.
My mother's experience was a huge influence on me and I wasn't going to do a brain surgery on my son unless it was absolutely necessary. I stayed home and I kept the house quiet. I nursed him. I slept next to him and watched him very closely. He was able to keep the breast milk down which I felt was positive. Luckily he had a full recovery. I'm so blessed that he fully recovered and I'm honestly proud of myself for really studying his situation by researching on my own, taking photos of the x-rays and making the call to keep him at home. It was very difficult for me. This all happened right after I got a divorce. I was living at my house alone and was watching my dad with Alzheimer's when it happened. At that moment I knew that I had to resolve things with my ex-husband because the babies need their daddy. I needed his help too so I could start working again and I felt like the kids were best off with their parents.
I'm in the middle of a yoga teacher training and we are talking about our chakras and all of our unhealed wounds. One thing that I set out to do was to heal the wounds that I had with people that hurt me but I still really loved them. My mom is one of those people. My brother Keith told me how sick she is. She sold her house to liquidate her estate and needed a place to live and move her furniture or have an estate sale. Either way she needed help because she was too sick to do it alone. I happened to be in a position to offer my home to her.
While she stays with me we start to talk. Two nights ago I couldn't sleep and was reading. I go into my mother's room and see that she is also reading. It's 4am and she says, start the coffee, which I do. We sit on the couch and we finally had the talk about this situation. I told her how hurt I was. I was a single mom and it was the time in my life when I really could have used a mom and I felt like she was against me. She said she was scared and listened to advice from others and she was sorry. She said she wished she never did it and she loved me. I told her I was sorry too. I told her how scared that both her and my father are sick. I was super mad but underneath all this anger and disfunction is an incredible amount of love. We had many many fun happy times growing up. This incident is really trivial when you look at the big picture of my whole life with her. She has done way more good than bad and I had to find a way to forgive her because it was hurting me to stay angry because I love her so much and she is dying. My father is dying too. I needed a resolution and I'm so happy that I did while she is still alive. She held me like how I hold my son in her arms and it was the first time that I felt nurtured in a really long time. She held me like a baby while I cried so much. I couldn't stop crying actually. I went through a box of tissues and we both cried and talked. I feel so much lighter after talking to her like a heavy weight that I've been carrying around with me has been lifted. Making up with my mother has been one of the most important decisions of my life. So much healing is happening between us and everyone else in my family. My older brother Keith really needed help with both of my parents and we are both in Florida where my other 3 brothers are in Chicago. I needed to step up for Keith, for my parents, for myself and for my other brothers.
My mom asked me why I decided to make up with her and I told her about my yoga teacher training and how I was mending my old wounds with people that I love. My mom also asked why I took so long to talk to her and I told her that my ex-husband thought it was a bad idea and I had to stick up for myself and not listen to his advice. It was a fight and I do feel like he shamed me from talking to her saying that she is a narcissist and you have to go no contact with a narcissist like what they say on youtube. He would also say that she is just trying to bribe me with her money. I know he was trying to protect me but mostly I think he wanted her out of his life. She is difficult, I won't lie, but if you really get to know her then you get to see all the beauty that is around her and what makes her difficult is her unhealed wounds. I would have regretted abandoning her when she really needed help.
I'm just so glad to have listened to my heart. Forgiveness is a powerful thing. You can listen to all kinds of advice but in the end you are the only one who will have to live with your choices. Are they choices that will help you heal or are they choices that will hold onto your anger or fear? Listen to your heart very closely, it is guiding you. Choose love every time and face your fears. The synchronicities of events that have lined up in order to put this healing in place for me seem well orchestrated. God has a plan and all I have to do is listen to my heart and surrender. If you have someone that you need to make amends with then please do it. For me forgiving my mother has been the most profound thing I have ever done. I do believe. Thank you God. Much love and light to you all.