Hello Beautiful People,
Today, I wake up at 3:30am and can't sleep. Anxiety, ugh! I worry about what to do after I sell my house and future career moves. I worry about new schools for my kids, child-care and all the details. I get up and listen to Wayne Dwyer about Creating a New Life because that's essentially what I am doing. I'm making big changes to add convenience to my life, to improve my career and to create better relationships. I seek and want to be around other like minded people. These changes are empowering and forcing me to deal with a lot of fears. One of my biggest fears which is happening is being a single mother. I never thought I would get divorced. I was faithful the whole time. I put a lot of effort, love and energy into my marriage and somehow it didn't work out how I planned or hoped no matter how hard I tried. It's nobody's fault, instead I look at it as the universe guiding us. Sometimes I think it's the concept of marriage and monogamy for life that sets us up for failure as so many of us have a hard time doing it. My relationship is changing. Honestly this has been the most difficult thing for me to do in my life. My heart aches.
I think about my parents failing health. They sold their house and are having an estate sale. It is my job to go to their house and take what I want. For most people they would look at this as a fun thing to do. For me, with the process of selling my own house and not knowing where I'll move to, this has been paralyzing. A part of me wants some of their things because they are sentimental and I feel their energy in their belongings and another part of me wants less stuff because it will be more difficult to move later on. Thankfully my older brother is renting a van and will be dropping off stuff for me. I simply need to go there and choose. I am having a hard time making the trip. It's very emotional for me to see my parents give up their house and move into other situations because they can no longer care for themselves.
I brainstorm about how I can be the most efficient and productive with my time. How can I be more present as a mother and still deal with all these difficult life changes? How can I be a better judge of people so that I invite only people who are really sincere and kind and loving? How can I live a more authentic life? How can I be a better yoga teacher? How can I soften? Another thing that comes to mind is that I push myself very hard. My mother had her PHD and 5 kids before she was 29. I grew up with her driving force and yes it has impacted me. I am able to get a lot of things done and I'm very motivated but it's also tough because I see the importance to slow down and to be kind and gentle with myself. I am doing a lot. I am making positive changes. How can I be content with that?
If you are still reading this, thank you for your love and support. The journey continues. I think the mice and rat traps in the attic worked because I no longer hear them. I can't wait for the pest man to come back and check. If they are gone then we can seal the house up properly. Hooray! Life is a blessing and simply living in a pest free home is awesome! I have to remind myself to be content and happy with where things are at. All is well, I'm right where I'm supposed to be.