Wow, it feels like I've been meditating forever and it's only day 11. I wake up at 6 today because the dogs are whimpering so much. My partner is a dog trainer and he left for the night to go to his girlfriends house so I'm on dog duty. We have 3 dogs at the house. 1 is his demo dog, Cosmo and 2 are client dogs. I have an open relationship and this is a part of it. We often alternate who goes off with another partner. It feels so vulnerable to share this part of my life but it's real and authentic. It's a really long story on how it all started, how we became comfortable with opening our relationship after 9 years of monogamy. I sometimes wonder if I ever really got comfortable with it or if it was a bandaid for our broken relationship. Yes something had to change in our relationship because we both became so unhappy. I was willing to try anything to find peace because the route we were on was not working. We have 2 babies together and we figured if we got divorced we would be dating other people anyway. If we open our relationship then we can support each other through this change and help raise the kids together. We have had an open relationship for about 2.5 years now. I have to admit, I do like some of the alone time and it has been a relief to our relationship to spend some time apart. We did everything together and became very co-dependent. Opening things up has pushed us into re-claiming our independence.
I let the dogs run in the yard for about 45 minutes, go back to sleep and then let them back in and begin to meditate. It's cold outside so after letting the dogs back in I hide under my covers to warm up. I'm freezing at 48 degrees out. I'm from Chicago and my friends and family would laugh at me because it gets really cold up there. Snow. Ice. Sleet. Below freezing, etc. Either way, it's too cold for me to go outside and meditate right now. I have my 2 kids in the house, Pepper 6 years old and River 3 years old and I want to be around in case they wake up. I sit up on my bed, covers draped all over me, I close my eyes, sit cross legged, set the timer and go. For the first 15 minutes, one of the new dog whimpers the whole time. I feel my body tense up at each whimper and I can't fall into my meditation. Honestly I get really mad and angry. I just want quiet and I already let this dog out for a long time. I go in and out of a dream state with each whimper. Then my phone dings 2 times. I turn it to do not disturb. I simply realize how distracted my life is. I'm trying to do a simple task like meditate for 30 minutes a day and I struggle so much to do it. I'll be way more successful if I wake up before the kids to do it but I wrestle with dog distractions. Ugh. I go to the dogs cage and bang on it and say quiet. The dog stops. In the dog training world, if I let the dog out of the cage, knowing that it just went out because it was whimpering then I just untrained the dog. The dog learns that crying equals getting out of the kennel. You only let the dog out when they are quiet and calm. Then they don't associate crying to get what they want.
I can't help but to think about moving out and getting my own place as I listen to these dogs all morning. I'm tempted but I'm afraid. There is convenience and financial benefits with us living and raising the kids together. My job isn't really enough money to support myself at this time. I need to keep growing my business, it's only been a year. I could live off my savings but that really scares me. We do love each other very much but is that enough? The dog finally stopped whimpering. Peace. The last 15 minutes my mind wonders about all the different choices I can make in my life. If I did move out then where, how would my life change? What do I need to do to prepare myself? Is this the right decision or am I reacting emotionally because this dog is upsetting me? I simply notice how much these thoughts consume me, exhaust me, drain me. I think about new possibilities. Trust. Meditation. Can I trust my meditation to guide me on the right path? Right now, I'm so distracted it's hard to even think.
I am listing my other airbnb house. It's different from the one I live in. I think if I should sell or keep the furniture and all the things I can do to downsize and simplify my life. I think about setting up a sound room. I used to do voice-over in Chicago. I want to set that up. I haven't done it because where I live there is constant noise and I can't record with background noise. I need the house quiet. Wow, I just realized something that I need that I'm not getting. I am not going to go home to Chicago or Wisconsin for the holidays because of my Airbnb. I have people moving in and out and I have to be there to clean it. Part of me is bummed out for this and another part of me is happy to avoid the cold weather. I do like being alone in a quiet house.
I check the time, 5 more minutes. I check again 1 minute over and I'm done. Until next time, peace and love everyone.