I finished my 30 day meditation project and I'm looking for what's next. Well, I discovered through that project that I like daily writing and I want to continue. I also discovered that right after my meditation project that I stopped meditating all together. In efforts to create some sort of ritual, I am now creating my blog. I like the process of meditating before I write for about 30 minutes simply to listen to my thoughts. What is coming up?
Today I woke up at 3am because I had a nightmare and I couldn't go back to sleep. I dreamed that I was playing out by my pool with my two kids having fun. I was working on something and was pre-occupied. My 6 year old daughter was swimming with a friend in the pool and I felt safe, like if anything happened then I would hear screams, splashing or something like that. In my dream, my 3 year old son fell into the pool and was drowning. I was busy doing some kind of work, it was hard to tell in the dream and my daughter or her friend didn't know anything was wrong. A few years back I was at a kiddie play date and the pool was filled with kids and adults. A mom yelled to me to grab her child. I looked over and saw that her child was drowning for real. They weren't under water for long thank god but it really scared me because it was happening right next to me and I didn't notice and I assumed that kids who couldn't swim would have floaties on. I also didn't notice because it was silent the whole time it happened. You think that a drowning will be loud with lots of splashing but many times it happens under water and you can't hear a thing. Back to my dream, I picked my son out of the water and my daughter said he was under water 7 minutes. I was trying to burp him to get him to cough up water but he didn't move. I was about to do CPR because I remembered how to do it for small children in a class I took and I woke up in a panic. I had to go into my kids bedroom to check on them. They were sleeping peaceful like two beautiful angels. I am so blessed to have them in my life! They are so sweet and innocent and I'm doing everything I can to love them and parent them as best I can. Why do we as parents even have scary dreams like that? Has this ever happened to you? I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. I gave up and watched business videos and then did a 30 minute meditation.
It's New Year's Eve and I wonder if I'll even be up for New Year's Eve now since I woke up so darn early and couldn't sleep. I have plans to go to a new friend's house for a kiddie New Year's Eve playdate. I'm always excited to do playdates with my kids because they really love playing with other kids toys and getting to know other children. They are happy and I'm happy.
After I woke up I was watching videos on creating a business. Tomorrow is Jan 1, 2019 and I'm thinking of goals for the New Year and rituals, routines or schedules to do that. What changes in my life do I need to make in order to make this successful? I already know that I have an intense passion for health. My parents are both very sick and I watched my mother suffer since I was 17 with severe Crohn's disease to the point where she eventually opted to cut her whole large intestine out. She now has a colectomy bag and has developed kidney stones, Parkinson's Disease and Edema. My dad, who was the smartest person that I knew now has Alzheimer's Disease. I also suffered from Eczema and Chronic Sinusitis and my ex-husband had Lyme's Disease for 2 years before we discovered natural health.
All of this impacted me in a way that I can't describe. In a way it was a blessing because it motivated me to learn how to take care of myself. I learned how to take excellent care of my body through healthy eating and yoga. I'm in the middle of a yoga teacher training and now I am healing my soul from past pains in life. Other people might call it shadow work. I've been looking into my dark side so that I can heal my fears that have been holding me back in life from coming into the fullest expression of myself. I have been through so much and I have learned so much and I want to write a book on my experiences to help others. This blog is the beginning of my writing ritual so that I can eventually write a book about healing. It's an effort to flush out my ideas because I have so many of them and they seem to lack some organization. It's also exciting at the same time because I know my passion and I'm beginning to flush out ideas for the new year.
I plan to simplify my life this New Year in order to help me achieve these goals. A big thing that I have been working on is selling my house and downsizing. I currently live in a 3 bedroom 2 bath home alone with 2 kids on .7 acres. The maintenance of a home being a single mother has been distracting for me. I am trying to create a business and I have an older home that requires a lot of maintenance and it's taking my time away from other things that I want to work on. An example is that I heard something in my walls late at night. I had a pest control come and for 3 weeks we thought it was a rats but caught nothing on the rat traps. Finally we caught a baby squirrel. I pay to have the holes sealed up and the trappings and now I have to thing about cutting my trees back away from the house because squirrels can jump up to 15 feet! Crazy. In the process, the pest guy stepped on the drywall at my house that had to get repaired and he also found a roof leak where I used to have a satellite dish. I had a friend take it down and they used silicone to patch up the holes except silicone breaks down in the heat and they needed to use tar. I had another repair guy come to check out the roof. He said he hurt his back but wanted a picture of the roof. His wife offered to go up into my roof and take the photo. She climbed up the ladder and her foot slipped off one of the rafters and she fell through the ceiling in my garage! OMG! Seriously, there are times I wish my life was boring. She landed on the garage door, thank god, or she would have landed all the way on the garage floor. I raced up the attic ladder so fast to help this lady. Now I have to fix a hole in the ceiling of my garage. All this stuff is taking up my time on projects that I don't want to work on. I want to work on my business. Simplifying my life will help all that. I have to finish taking care of any repairs but after that, I want this place sold so I can move on with my life.
I have also been working on mending relationships with people who have been dear to me. How do things get messed up in the first place with people we love? I really do love the people in my life so much and I want them to know they are important to me. I've been working on myself, my fears and trying to resolve my responsibility in how things got messed up and move on from there. It has been incredibly healing for me to do this work. It's also been very humbling. At the end of the day, I would rather be humble and happy than right.
Anyway, that's it for today. Do you set goals for the New Year? Is there anything in your life that you need to heal? Your body, mind or spirit? I encourage you to look within yourself and begin your healing journey, especially for the New Year. Write down some goals...how can you live a better life? I once did a training that allowed for three things that you wanted to change or could improve and three things that you did well. This kept things positive as it's easy to only look at what we did wrong but it's also important to recognize our successes as well. I wish each and every one of you a blessed New Year's Eve. Much love.
Yay! My super type A self made it to a full 30 days of meditation! No it wasn't 30 days in a row but I did it. If I fell off the wagon, I simply got back on. I have to admit, this did require some discipline. I did things like, go to bed early so I had some extra time in the morning to meditate. I found that I was more likely to meditate if I did it first thing in the morning. I was able to do it at night and in the middle of the day as well but that wasn't as common. There's something about the stillness and quiet of the morning that makes this the perfect time to zen out.
I sit on my ottoman again, set the timer and bliss out. My mind runs through all the tasks that I need to do to sell my house, drop price, move this piece of furniture to the other house, clear out the dog room and make it River's bedroom, sell this, sweet pine needles off the pool house, etc.
It's a quiet time of the year and I know it will get busy so I think, how can I prepare? What can I do now so that when it gets busy, then my life is easier? This is such a big change for me. I feel the sense of loss for selling this house because I put so much time, energy and love into it. But at the same time I feel a lightness for being free to take the next steps in life. It's like a new chapter is about to begin.
For some reason, I've been feeling happy lately. Mostly because I am having such a good time teaching yoga and connecting with my students. I have new friends and relationships in my life and it's been fun. Today I'm going to see Bumblebee at the theaters in 3D and I'm excited to take my kids because my little boy is in LOVE with Transformers. I'm happy to have them home for Christmas break and to be able to spend time with them. I am so lucky to have the best kids ever. They are a challenge for me, don't get me wrong but they are also super sweet and loving. Last night we watched The Iron Giant and River my 3 year old was telling me the whole plot line. It was adorable listening to his baby voice talk about the movie.
There is so much to write about but the buzzer buzzes and my time is over. Thank you for listening if you have been following this. I love and appreciate each and every one of you. From my heart to yours, peace! Happy Holidays everyone!
Hello beautiful people,
It's getting close to the end. I sit outside around 1pm on my back lanai and gaze out at the trees and nature. I love this view. I close my eyes, breath in the fresh chilly air and I'm off.
I hear a chainsaw in the distance. I think about borrowing this chainsaw and trimming a lot of the trees in my yard. I start to envision myself like a professional tree cutter and I can't help but to peek my eyes open and look around for all the skinny little branches that I would cut. There is an oak tree next to the side of my house that is starting to get very close to my house. I had the pest control guy at my house and we set tons of traps everywhere and caught nothing. I hear the noises in my walls still. We think that it's possible that a squirrel got into the roof and the noises in the wall are baby squirrels not rats and they are trapped in my walls somehow. I have to cut the wall open to get them out. I told the pest guy let's schedule this asap. He already sealed all the holes around my roof. I would cut the branches down that are getting close to my house to avoid this problem in the future.
My left hamstring is sore. I pulled it a couple weeks ago doing the splits and it hasn't fully recovered. When I hurt my SI joint, stretching helped it a lot and now it's completely recovered. When I stretch my left hamstring then it seems to aggravate it. I did a 90 minute yoga flow this morning and maybe that's why it hurts. I'm going to have to back off of this leg and let it rest. It aches as I sit in my meditation seat. I hate getting sore and having to miss any yoga. I'm progressing so much and I want to keep going. Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward. Bummer.
I took pills for the parasites, yay! I don't know if they are gone but I think so. We will see. Having to take pills for this kind of rocks my whole Natural Hygiene belief that Nothing Heals the Body but the Body, except pills when you have a parasite. I wonder what other exceptions there may be. Natural Hygiene is also anti garlic. A parasite came out after eating garlic and garlic is anti-parasitical. So does that mean no garlic unless you have a parasite. All these exceptions make me question my attachment to natural hygiene. I feel like there is a lot of research that can be done here to evolve the field of Natural Hygiene more.
I think about selling my house and packing all my stuff up. What a pain, I think. It is so much work to move but it is something that I've wanted to do for a long time now. Now is the time to make the move and make some serious changes in my life for the better. I'm scared but I move forward despite these fears. I've got this. I believe in myself now in a way that I never have before. I'm on the right track and I notice this shift in my energy. I feel empowered and stronger. I'm less and less affected by outside influences and living my life the best that I know how. Overall, I am very lucky. I am doing something that I truly love. I have two beautiful kids who are driving me to be a better person and their supportive dad. Life is good. I feel light. I feel joy.
I'm so thankful that my dear friends took my little boy to Disney today. They are like an Uncle to him as his real Uncles live far away. I saw a picture of him on the merry go round and he looked so happy. My little girl is in school and is growing up fast. I told her that if she can make 7 days of no peeing in her bed then she can open a Christmas present early. She did it! Just like that. This has been an on-going problem and a little bribery has solved the problem. I told her that if she makes five more days then she can open another one. She is so proud of herself and I tell her, "wow, you are getting big!" she puffs out her chest, giggles with pride. I am proud of her.
The buzzer goes off and I open my eyes. I run inside and grab socks for my feet. Burr! I have a 90 minute private lesson today and I teach yoga tonight. I can't wait to see my students. I put a lot into my classes in efforts to deliver something really wonderful for them. I hope they enjoy my classes:) . Now time to choreograph:) . Goodbye beautiful people.
Hello my lovelies,
Wow, I am almost finished with my 30 day meditation challenge. I have to admit it was super hard for me to start this project but as I continue, I see the value of having a regular practice. I will continue on but not sure how that will take shape yet.
Today I sit at my kitchen table while I meditate. I love that the back of my house is covered with windows overlooking nature. My kitchen table is at one of these windows and I sit facing the windows. I close my eyes and go off to la la land.
Many things come up. To begin, I was working an event at Nieman Marcus the other day and my friend got a lot of garlicky food for us for lunch. Garlic is anti-parasitical. At the end of the day I felt a string hanging off my thong. I reached down and grabbed it and looked. I was holding a parasite! AAAAAAAhHHHHHH! This was a round worm called ascaris lumbricoides. OMG, I never even believed this stuff was real! I saw this in dogs that I've taken care of but never heard of it in a human. I traveled overseas a lot within the past 2 years and I have taken care of a lot of dogs and these are two possible places that I could have gotten it. It's usually comes from dirty water, food or soil. Yuck! I didn't even know I had it and who knows how long it was there. They can live up to 2 years inside of you and who knows if they reproduced. They live in the small intestine right where the stomach lets out food. A common symptom is a feeling of hunger even though you eat a lot leaving you feeling bloated. The reason being that the worms are eating your food. I take 400 mg of Albendazole. I'm usually anti-pharmaceuticals but I asked my natural hygiene mentor about it and even he recommended prescription drugs and I think this is an emergency! I also take anti-parasite tinctures, tons of garlic and cinnamon. I'm freaked out but in a way relieved because I know why I had this bloated feeling and I can take care of it now. I continuously am surprised by the things that happen in my life. I could have never anticipated this. I'm simply thankful to have discovered what is wrong and having the means to rectify it.
My next thought jumps to my little girl. I'm struggling with this parenting thing sometimes. She is 6 and very strong willed. The other day I was at Lucky's at the checkout and she had to go to the bathroom. I'm frustrated because she wouldn't go when we first walked in and all went together and now I'm at the checkout line with all my stuff on the conveyor belt and she has to pee bad. I tell her to go and have to trust that she can make it through the store alone. I wait with my 3 year old and continue to finish the checkout. He asks to sit in the front of the cart where my 6 year old was sitting. Sure I think. I finish the checkout and find my girl and we walk out of the store. My daughter wants to sit back in the front of the cart now my son wants to stay seated at the front of the cart and she throws a full out tantrum. I tell her the car is right here it's only a short walk or I can put her in the cart. She refuses. I start walking and she follows crying but at a distance. I feel a little stuck because my hands are full and I have my son. If only I can drop this off then I can get her I think. I drop off the groceries and my son in the car and I walk back to get my daughter who has decided to take a seat in the middle of the parking lot. I'm pretty mad at this point because I'm worried about her. I tell her to get in the car and she cries, "I only wanted to sit in the cart". I go to pick her up and she runs away from me. She runs towards the car and I chase her. She runs really fast. I change directions and try to trick her. We are circling the car at this point and my little athletic daughter is out running me and won't get in the car. We look absolutely ridiculous and I'm really mad now. I have to trick her and say let's talk and she finally calms down. I get close to her and I'm able to lunge towards her and pick her up and put her in the car. I yell at her to never run in the parking lot like that because she is little and can get hit by a car. I lose my yogi mind for a moment and then I'm perplexed. How could I have handled this differently? We go to Discount Tires to get my tire fixed and the whole time she wants to sit by me and be close to me. I think, what was her unmet need? Why wouldn't she listen? Why is she being so stubborn about something so trivial? The only thing I can think of is that she wants her mommies love and attention. I reach around her and give her a big hug and tell her I love her. She softens. I love her so much but I am challenged and I think to myself, she is only 6, I am in trouble. How can I deal with these situations in the healthiest way? I don't always want to give her what she wants because sometimes I have to say no and I need her to listen. Ugh.
My little boy is the opposite. He is a super introvert, quiet, extremely sensitive and very bashful. I think, how can I give him some of my daughter's bold. Overall, I'm so blessed to have these beautiful babies. We go home and make Ginger Bread houses and the whole time they are trying to please me. I think, how can I soften? How can I be a better mom?
Finally I think about how disconnected our society is and how this disconnect is only creating separation which leaves us feeling alone. After working a full day of thai yoga at Nieman Marcus, I don't get one person on my mat that isn't in some kind of physical or emotional pain. We need to be there for each other. We need to be kind and loving and compassionate. As far as I'm concerned, we are all innocent trying our best to navigate ourselves through this world. The more we hide our feelings, pain and tramas the more we carry our wounds around with us. We need to be heard. We need unconditional love and we need to be able to process our feelings somehow. At the Woodstock fruit festival in New York we did something called Circling where everyone opens up about something that is weighing heavy on our minds. This way we all see that we all have things to deal with. We all open up and become vulnerable and we all come together with compassion and support for each other. However you can find a circling group, I encourage you to find it. If we are all really One and if the world is truly an abundant place then the more we raise each other up the better off the collective whole. Sometimes a person who does something that we would judge as bad needs help more than punishment. Let's be there for each other in a way where we aren't looking to get something out of it. We do it because there isn't enough love in the world. How many of us can honestly say, yes I have enough love in my life? If you don't then think of ways that you can give it without expecting anything in return. Just my thoughts. From one healer, hoping that you all become a healer of some sorts in your own circle of influence. Most importantly I hope you all look deep within to heal any anger, trama, resentment or pain that you have. How can you find forgiveness? How can you let that energy go so that creative energy can flow through you?
The buzzer rings, my fingers and toes are freezing in the chilly Florida December weather. Time to run to Yin class with my mentor and dear friend. Goodbye my lovelies. Share the love.
Today I meditate on my ottoman again at 10am. It's becoming my favorite spot during the colder central Florida winters. I am from Chicago where it is cold and I never got used to it nor do I miss it. As far as I'm concerned, the only time to go in the snow is if I want to go snowboarding and I haven't done that in a long time! Snowboarding used to be my best sport as I grew up skiing and I snowboarded a lot during my early 20's in California. I loved the mountain views, the fresh air and the serenity of being on the mountains.
Anyway, I close my eyes and think about the wakeful darkness I am in. I'm wide awake with my eyes closed which feels kind of funny as I want to open them. I try to see the back of my eyelids but only feel my eyes flicker in darkness. I hear the clock ticking and the weird noises that my refrigerator makes. I started sitting with my feet on the floor and move half way through to a cross legged position while I sit up tall. I sit up tall to align my chakras and practice my ujjayi breath. I breath deep inhales and constrict the back of my throat as I exhale. I enjoy the peaceful quietness of my clean house alone. The kids are at school and I get four house of alone time. I need to choreograph my yoga routine for tonight's class. I'll do that after my meditation. I love the choreographing part. Sometimes ideas are flying out of my mind faster than I can get them down. I am building quite the collection of notebooks with my routines. Some I borrow and others I make up on my own.
Lately I have been in a funk and I'm trying to dig myself out of it. I know we all have the power to choose how we feel and as I'm sitting in my funk, I am trying to figure out why I'm in it in the first place and how can I actively choose to get out of it. I'm starting to realize that my self esteem relies on the validation of others and attention from men. Pathetic I know! Attention makes me feel happy. So I've been looking up tons of youtube videos on this topic so that I can learn about it and I'm also resisting the urge to dial someone up. It's not that I still don't want attention, I do. It's just that I am not shy about this, if I want something then I can manipulate a situation and make it happen. My issue with this is that I want an authentic connection and I have to have patience to let that unfold naturally. If I make something happen it is happening out of my loneliness and lack of comfortability to be alone. It's like a drug where I get a temporary high but what goes up also comes down. I want to be happy alone and with someone else. I want to master myself and it's fucking hard! I honestly feel like this is a lesson from the universe to be at peace with myself. I want to have control over my life and not have it be dictated by the opinions of others. I also want someone who is in alignment with me and I realize I have a lot of unique interests. Wow, I just wrote a lot of I want sentences, lol.
Another area where I feel like I am getting a lot of opinions is on the topic of polyamory. There are lots of people for it and lots of people against it. How do I feel about it? I feel like polyamory is triggering my shadow self and forcing me to look at my own dark side and it's uncomfortable. Does that mean that the experience is not worth it? In my opinion, I am learning at a rapid rate about myself. Polyamory is presenting one situation after another for me to master through relationships. I actually love relating with others and I don't want to stop. It doesn't mean that it's easy but as I continue on this path and as I continue to learn more, it is getting easier and easier to love people without attachment. When things come up for me, as they have consistently, then I have an opportunity to better myself. Nobody said growth was going to be easy.
The other day I had a friend over and she was listening to dating videos from the girl perspective. I was just thinking about how the guy videos say don't date a woman with kids and don't date someone who wants a meal ticket but get sex and the girl videos say don't have sex right away or the man doesn't respect you. The girl videos talk about how we should make the guys court us, etc, etc, etc, then we know they really care. I think about this social programming that guys and girls are receiving and I see how both sides are holding out and both sides are not getting what they are looking for completely. I think there has to be some kind of compromise and everything is not completely black and white. I also think these videos are not helpful because every situation is different and we should independently make our own decisions instead of following a template of dating rules. These dating rules limit us from all the possibilities out there in my opinion.
My parents have been on a cruise throughout Asia and have been cruising instead of using a nursing home because my mom says that it's cheaper. Well, they are getting kicked off the ship because of my dad's Alzheimer's and he keeps defecating himself. My older brother is in the middle of construction on his house to have a section made for my parents. I'm the only other one in Florida. They are selling their house, it closes Jan 22nd. So, I offered for them to stay here. They could stay at my brother Brent's house in Chicago as well. I might completely regret this as my mom and I fight all the time. We actually never resolved our past fight where we didn't talk for over a year. For me the hard part is that I still love my parents, and I don't want them to pass like this. I want us to get along and to be there for them in the same way that they have been there for me. I will have to find an assisted living situation for my dad. I wonder if this would be good for my mom as well. My mom can stay at my house until my house sells or until my older brother's house is finished. Whatever is first, please hurry construction people! This is going to be incredibly hard because their health is very poor for both of them and they have a lot of trips to the hospital. They are barely 70 and they suffer incredibly with their health. Their poor health has been a huge reason why I have wanted to be a healer. I can't stand watching them suffer. My mother's health has been poor since I was 17 when she had a botched hysterectomy and they accidentally cut her colon during surgery.
The other night I let my kids sleep in bed with me. I have to be careful to allow them to do this because they will want to sleep with me every night if I let them. They have been busy at school and I have wanted to be affectionate with them and give them a little extra love. When they were babies I slept with them. I read a book called Creating Healthy Children through Attachment Parenting and Raw Foods. The concept is that the child is so secure with the parents love for them that they choose to leave the nest earlier because they have extra confidence. I think there needs to be some kind of compromise with this as well or mommy and daddy never have alone time. Anyway, I let them sleep with me and I have to say from a mother's perspective, nothing is better than holding your babies and cuddling with them. They are so precious and I treasure this time. I know they will grow up and this will all come to an end so occasionally I let them cuddle with me. They fit perfectly in my arms and love being help and loved on. We went to Walmart to buy Christmas presents. I let them pick out their own gifts and we wrap presents together today. They love the whole process, the buying and picking out, the wrapping and the waiting till Christmas day to open them with constant pleas to open one present early. I giggle at their excitement and joy for the holidays. They are the best and we often say to each other, "I'm so glad you are here". Sometimes being a mommy is super challenging but overall they are my angels motivating me to get my life in order so that I can be a good role model for them. Most of all, I'm so glad they are in my life. Many blessings my lovelies. Until next time as the alarm goes off. I finally get to open my eyes and see the light. I think, I am so blessed to be where I am in my life. I love all the ups and downs and I think...what a ride it has been!
Hello Beautiful People,
Today, I wake up at 3:30am and can't sleep. Anxiety, ugh! I worry about what to do after I sell my house and future career moves. I worry about new schools for my kids, child-care and all the details. I get up and listen to Wayne Dwyer about Creating a New Life because that's essentially what I am doing. I'm making big changes to add convenience to my life, to improve my career and to create better relationships. I seek and want to be around other like minded people. These changes are empowering and forcing me to deal with a lot of fears. One of my biggest fears which is happening is being a single mother. I never thought I would get divorced. I was faithful the whole time. I put a lot of effort, love and energy into my marriage and somehow it didn't work out how I planned or hoped no matter how hard I tried. It's nobody's fault, instead I look at it as the universe guiding us. Sometimes I think it's the concept of marriage and monogamy for life that sets us up for failure as so many of us have a hard time doing it. My relationship is changing. Honestly this has been the most difficult thing for me to do in my life. My heart aches.
I think about my parents failing health. They sold their house and are having an estate sale. It is my job to go to their house and take what I want. For most people they would look at this as a fun thing to do. For me, with the process of selling my own house and not knowing where I'll move to, this has been paralyzing. A part of me wants some of their things because they are sentimental and I feel their energy in their belongings and another part of me wants less stuff because it will be more difficult to move later on. Thankfully my older brother is renting a van and will be dropping off stuff for me. I simply need to go there and choose. I am having a hard time making the trip. It's very emotional for me to see my parents give up their house and move into other situations because they can no longer care for themselves.
I brainstorm about how I can be the most efficient and productive with my time. How can I be more present as a mother and still deal with all these difficult life changes? How can I be a better judge of people so that I invite only people who are really sincere and kind and loving? How can I live a more authentic life? How can I be a better yoga teacher? How can I soften? Another thing that comes to mind is that I push myself very hard. My mother had her PHD and 5 kids before she was 29. I grew up with her driving force and yes it has impacted me. I am able to get a lot of things done and I'm very motivated but it's also tough because I see the importance to slow down and to be kind and gentle with myself. I am doing a lot. I am making positive changes. How can I be content with that?
If you are still reading this, thank you for your love and support. The journey continues. I think the mice and rat traps in the attic worked because I no longer hear them. I can't wait for the pest man to come back and check. If they are gone then we can seal the house up properly. Hooray! Life is a blessing and simply living in a pest free home is awesome! I have to remind myself to be content and happy with where things are at. All is well, I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
Today I meditate for 45 minutes. I missed a few days and was really busy with yoga teacher training weekend and selling different things in my house that I felt like I needed extra time to stop and to process all the information. I sit on my couch in my living room with my feet on the floor, straight spine. I think about all the spiritual development that I'm going through lately. I've been making so many hard decisions lately and doing things to simplify my life. I feel alone and for now, I'm ok with it.
The other night I woke up around 3am because I couldn't sleep. I went to sit in my living room to read and started to hear a lot of scratching in my walls. What the heck?!!! Then it stopped and then the scratching moved to another wall. OMG!!!!! Then it stops and starts and I am thinking there are mice in my walls! I called two pest exterminators and one guy went into my attic and quoted me $1740! He said there were mice and rats in my ceiling. I was totally freaking out. Just the word rat freaks me out. knowing that the only thing separating us was a piece of drywall gives me chills. I was also flipping out over the price quote to irradiate the issue. I called a second pest guy and he quoted me $700! What the heck? How can it be a full $1000 cheaper? The second guy simply seemed more honest and so I go with him. I am trying to sell the house and I want any issues taken care of so that nothing gets in the way of the sale. I totally think this sucks because I don't want to spend anymore money on the house, especially if it is not cosmetic.
Next my mind wanders to my friend in teacher training who is looking to change her life and she is thinking of moving to Santa Barbara California. I am thinking, TAKE ME WITH YOU! I used to live there and as far as I'm concerned, it's the best city in California. The mountains are right on the ocean so the city can only grow so big and it has beautiful Spanish plazas and architecture. I love the flowers in Santa Barbara and the scenery is absolutely stunning. The weather is 74 degrees year round so it's always pleasant. I think about my old life there. I dated a super beautiful surfer guy and his family lived on the Riviera and would often invite us to dinner parties at this gorgeous house that over looked the city. It was a very fun part of my life and sometimes I think, why did I leave? I will say that it is extremely expensive and that was a huge part of leaving. Fun times.
As I'm sitting in my house, downsizing and selling it, a part of me is mad that I'm doing it alone. I always wanted a partner in life, like a real partner where we grow our lives together. We help raise each other up, co-create and have synergy working together to create an awesome life together. A life were we plan for travel, take care of the house and kids together and love each other like crazy. This house was a part of me trying to build that dream with my ex and selling it is like letting go of that dream. I worked so hard to update it and decorate it in a way that is beautiful and a happy place for me. I didn't realize how attached I was to it. After I sell it I want to move closer to Orlando so that I'm not so far in the country. I want access to more yoga studios, schools, clients and a social life. It sucks to let go of that something you worked so hard for and start over. Another part of me feels complete relief to get rid of it as well as anxiety about where do I move to. I can handle this. I've been doing this the whole time alone, even though there was an illusion that someone else was there. I'm finding my courage, somehow. Waaaaaahhhhh!
I don't have kids tonight and I'm tempted to call someone to come over yet I resist the urge. I'm feeling like I need to completely stop everything and be with myself. I plan to use this time to read and do self study. I have lots of homework to do before the next yoga teacher training along with my own self study that I've been obsessed with.
My back gets achy and I wonder why did I decide to do 45 minutes instead of 30! I want to get up. I hear the washing machine stop and I have an urge to change it. I think of things to do and want to stop and do them. I resist and stay in the meditation but I do check the time, 13 more minutes! This feel like an eternity but I also know I can do this. Love. How can I love more, better and also protect my own spirit? After teacher training, I realize how fragile we all are and every one of us is dealing with something. How can we all treat each other better and how can I be more sensitive and loving? I'm trying. I am doing the work and I already feel the benefits. So much peace and love for you all. Time to get into alignment. Peace.
Hello Beautiful People,
Today I wake up freezing and sit on my ottoman and meditate. I wrestle with my thoughts. I am frustrated with the way people treat each other. There seems to be a real lack of consideration for each other.
Recently I had a friend say, maybe I can invite you to this Thanksgiving party on the morning of Thanksgiving. The day goes on and I re-arrange my plans to see if I'll be invited because it sounded like fun. It's now late in the day and I end up going to a different friends house close by and not going downtown to get the vegan Thanksgiving that I was hoping for at this restaurant. I didn't go downtown to this restaurant because I was waiting to hear back from my friend because the party was downtown and I didn't want to make two trips. Anyway, the whole day goes by and I send a message, saying I didn't hear from you so I guess we aren't coming at 9pm. Honestly I was upset. Would it really have been so hard to send me a message to say it wasn't a good idea or not? A simple communication to say, please continue on with your plans without me. Maybe I could have also sent a message or called too. Either way, it still seemed kinda cold to blow someone off on a holiday without a message. Thankfully I had another friend who also extended an invite.
The theme continues, I have another friend that I was dating. He goes out of town on a retreat and comes back engaged. What? This was really weird for me because I just saw this person and I was really open and honest with him about my situation but he wasn't very open with me about his. It feels bad because I'll still bump into this person and now his new fiancee. I wouldn't have gotten involved if I knew he was going to get engaged.
I go out with someone else who clearly shows a lot of interest in me. We had a very nice connection. We hung out a few times and then he forgot something at my house. Then he proceeds to tell me he doesn't want to get involved because I have children. I'm thinking, why are you at my house then. Your energy is saying something completely different.
I went biking with another friend. I drove an hour to see him. I meet up, we hang out for a little bit, go biking and then dinner. After 3 hours he says he's done for the night. I'm kinda annoyed because I drive 2 hours to see you essentially. Why can't you clear your schedule to hang out for the evening? And, why didn't you tell me before we meet up that you wanted to end the evening so early. I might have decided not to come at all because it wouldn't have been worth the drive.
It happens again, I have an amazing time with another guy that I go out with and then I don't hear from him for a month. We have a text message here and there with me reaching out and asking how it's going with nothing but aloof responses. Then yesterday I ask him about it and he says "what the hell, I'm working on communicating better". Really? It doesn't seem like you are putting in any effort at all. If you cared then you didn't show it at all.
My frustration is that I wouldn't treat anyone in this way. What I have come to realize is that I have become a very good communicator in my relationship with my partner but with these other relationships there is a lack. I want to be treated better. I want to be considered. I want someone to be thoughtful of my feelings. Lately it just hasn't felt good. Am I doing something wrong? Why is there a theme here with a few different people? How can I avoid situations like this that don't feel so good? It just makes me feel sad, like I'm not important or respected. I know I don't have any control over these other people so what can I do differently? Ok, rant over, just saying...I'm frustrated.
Hello my lovelies,
I wake up at 7am, and I hear my diva cup and fly out of bed to go empty it before it can possibly leak on the bed. Yes, it's that time of the month. I take care of business and go in my living room, sit on my ottoman with my feet on the ground and meditate. This is my favorite position to meditate because when I'm cross legged, my feet fall asleep.
My kid's daddy came home yesterday and picked up the kids. We talked and I had a chance to talk about the feelings that I've been wrestling with. It felt good to communicate. I told him I was feeling jealousy and he simply said, if I want to go on a trip with him sometime then just let him know. I was able to feel these feelings and witness them and not react. Instead I talked about them, saying this is how I'm feeling and asked questions like why am I feeling this way. Am I really upset that he went out of town? Not really. I have an opportunity to go to Chicago in Dec for Christmas and I don't want to go because I don't enjoy the snow and I know everyone will have limited days off of work so there won't be a lot of visiting time anyway. I would rather go in the summer. There is just this egotistical side of me that wants to be first, feel special like I'm more important to him than someone else. This desire to be special is what causes my suffering. If we are really ONE then I'm no better than anyone else. I am careful to process this stuff with others because I see the wounded side of them and I see their triggers. I see that they also have a lot of healing to do as we all do and in order to make the best decisions then I need to make those alone. Isn't it funny how that word keeps coming up, alone. I notice that whatever I resist is exactly where I need to go on my journey of unfolding. I am resisting being alone but I think that's exactly what I need to continue to evolve my soul.
I have been slipping on my meditation project a few days. It's mostly because I've been processing a lot of feelings lately and I needed extra time to think about them. I've been learning so much lately, it's incredible. I've been reading all about Tantra and it's so similar to all the principals of yoga. I already know this stuff. I learned it in my yoga teacher trainings. Now I'm learning it deeper. I have yoga teacher training this upcoming weekend. I love these weekends, learning and bonding with the other teachers. It's a time for a lot of growth.
I am thankful. I have a beautiful life overall. I am evolving spiritually. I am able to witness my emotions and communicate. I am growing like crazy. I really love all the things happening to me because they are forcing me to break free and come into the fullest expression of myself. Why do we resist this unfolding of ourselves? Do we not like change? Is it because of the fear of the unknown? I think it's all of the above. I feel myself becoming more present and surrendering to the unknown. I'm learning to go with it and I'm stopping my pre-conceived notions of what the unknown should look like. I surrender to the unknown and trust that everything that is happening to me is to help evolve my soul. For some reason my soul needs these experiences to grow, to learn, to see more clearly and to find happiness. Life is beautiful, even the dark side of our lives. When we work through our darkness then we come into our higher consciousness. I'm feeling that higher consciousness now. Bliss. I'm thankful for my dark side and I'm learning to be friends with it. It's the wounded side of me that needs extra love instead of being afraid of it. Don't ignore this dark side, embrace it, love it. I think of how I can nurture this side, explore it fully and love it deeply with as much care as I can give it. This is the ultimate expression of self care. Learning to heal ourselves through our shadows, through our pain and re-claiming our lost souls. Our soul is there, sometimes it simply gets lost with all our cultural conditioning and our desire to please. We sometimes need to step outside of our culture and be alone at least temporarily so that we can re-claim ourselves. Find what was once lost and celebrate our differences instead of worrying about fitting in. In the process we honor our true self instead of betraying ourselves. In the process, we learn to live fearlessly with confidence. In the process, we get to learn ourself thoroughly. I am learning who I really am for the first time in my life. It feels so scary, raw and vulnerable but it's truth and truth is what I'm seeking.
Good morning! Today I wake up around 7ish, do some light chores and go sit down to meditate on my ottoman. I like sitting here because I am facing the windows to the backyard and it is beautiful. I wrap myself up in a blanket and off I go.
The first thing that comes up is being alone. I notice that I crave being alone and I'm also uncomfortable with it at the same time. I have been dating and I asked a few people to come over and no-one was available. I was bummed out because it would have been fun to hang out with someone. I wonder, am I dating because the connection with the person is right or to avoid my aloneness. I am definitely exploring some new things so I'm not hard on myself, I am just learning through trial and error. I spent the night raising my two beautiful kids alone. I recently went out with someone who confessed that he is hesitant to get involved with me because of the children. I respect his ability to communicate this difficult thing to say but in that moment I also knew that he had blocks to work through. You can meet a beautiful person that you have a strong connection with but if you put your expectations of who that person is into a box then you are highly likely to miss out on the person sitting right in front of you. You miss out on an authentic connection because they didn't fit your expectation. If this person is open to the idea of working through his blocks, the children might be the very thing that he needs in his life to heal himself. I learn from them everyday. They completely blow me away with their joy their enthusiasm and their authenticity. As an adult we become sarcastic, we put up blocks based on our cultural conditioning. One of those conditionings for men in today's culture is that guys do a lot to avoid kids and single mothers. I know because I have seen the dating videos for guys, coaching guys to stay away from single mothers. It sucks. Not all guys of course but there seems to be a lot. I know a lot of single mother's. Get into yoga and you will meet them all. I think about these women and children a lot. There is a whole generation of kids growing up with single mothers and often the men are not around. I am fortunate that my kids daddy takes a very active role in raising my babies. He truly is a wonderful dad. I thank god that he is there because I have no-one else to help, at least in Orlando and he's an awesome daddy. He takes great care of the kids, he's affectionate with them, spends time with them and truly cares. We have an open relationship and I know about these videos for men because I've seen him watch them. He ended up dating a single mother and he comments on how those videos are terrible. He has a beautiful relationship with his partner and she has a little boy that my kids adore. They also gain from the situation. It's something that I want for myself to be honest. My partner and I get along great and when we have issues, we talk about them. Lately I've been wrestling with my ego and pride while he went on a trip out of town with his other partner. I felt myself pulling back and the contradiction that this was in my life because at the end of the day I love him very much and I do want him in my life. I'm not sure how that will look but on a spiritual level, I process the most with him. I'm growing the most with him. I'm challenged like heck with him. I think for us, at the very least, our relationship might work best if we live separate. I simply have a desire to live without the dog business and I crave quiet time to work on creative projects. When the time comes, I may also love to go out of town with someone and I would love it if my children's daddy could help with the kids, and he would. The more we cooperate with each other then the more that we get out of the situation. Including me seeing that I still have triggers to work through. It seems like there are constant opportunities to improve ourselves.
I had a great time with my kids alone. It would have been nice to share this with someone. We watched Christmas movies, made popcorn, lots of snacks and played. I had a big box of matchbox cars and River ordered them into different Transformer characters. I'm always amazed at his building skills. He builds stuff every second he can. He builds pillow towers, toy figures, etc, creating joyfully. We played hide and go seek, their favorite and pillow fights. I have to be careful when we pillow fight because they are so delicate but they love it and laugh and laugh and laugh. Pepper re-arranged the Christmas decorations into some unusual places and I think, why not:) . Stocking can hang off the kitchen table and end tables instead of the fireplace, lol. She is very specific with her placement of the decorations and takes a lot of pride in her work. They were excited to put up the decorations and lights, jumping and skipping happily throughout the house. Little do these guys know, they are the ones missing out.