I went to visit my dad in his memory care for Alzheimer's in the morning and I had a blast. I honestly have a hard time going to see my dad because it can be very sad. It's hard for me because there's always some drama. My mom goes in there and tells everyone they need to work harder and pisses everyone off. I have staff calling me all the time about this problem or that. Grandma keeps taking him to the non-memory care and will go to the bathroom and leave him alone. My dad has been falling almost everyday. There have been times when he is slumped over asleep in a chair or he won't sit down. Lots of times, I'm sitting with him and I'll do Thai massage with him and he falls asleep in 10 minutes. Sometimes I think, this is it, he's near the end and I leave crying. The other day I was just in the ER with him because he cracked his head open after a fall. When I saw blood and a hematoma on his head I had a melt down. I thought I was ok with his death but I realized that I was just good at avoiding the reality of the situation.
Today was different. I've had a friend tell me that Alzheimer's patients can have lucid moments where their memory kicks in. It was trippy for me because it was like my dad came back from the dead. I walked in there and he wouldn't sit down in his chair at breakfast. There were two people trying to sit him down and he was clearly confused. I came over and asked him to sit down. I checked his clothes and could see they were wet. I said, "We need to get him dried up. How can you eat with wet pants?" He's holding his orange juice cup and swinging it around and I look at him and say, "Jesus Christ, stop whipping that fucking thing around like a weapon," as the juice barely stays in the rim. I grab the cup and put it down and we look at each other and burst into laughter. He laughed like how he always laughs squinting his eyes and showing all his teeth. I smirk at him. I tell him how I can just see orange juice all over my lap and I don't like that. He'd be laughing his head off so let's move this cup over here, at the other end of the table. We go to help change his depends and clothes and he's ready to eat.
My dad has a wicked crass sense of humor. He worked at The Chicago Board of Trade for 20 years and in order to survive on the trading floor, a certain amount of swearing was required. I switched out of my polite self and started joking with him like there was nothing wrong with him spitting out cuss words one after another. Every time I swore he would just start laughing and laughing. There just seems to be something so suffocating about the formalities of life sometimes. Don't get me wrong, my dad can also be a very elegant man and charm your pants off with his wit and clean language too. Sometimes, in private it's just fun to swear. He loved it and I loved seeing my dad laugh. I started telling him story after story dropping the F bomb and Bitch this and hell with that. I actually had him laughing so hard that he was crying. He kept trying to dip his candy in the ketchup and I look at him and say, "What the fuck are you doing? That's disgusting. Here let me help you." I pry the wrapper off this gooey piece of hard candy and say, "Wow, they know how to treat you right. This place is like the fucking Ritz Carlton. You gotta be kidding me, my hands are sticky as hell? You want the other one, geez how old is this? What a dump?" I told him that the price for his home was a small fortune and that it might as well have been a five star hotel. "Where's the swimming pool?"
We leave breakfast and go sit down on the couches. No-one is around so I can swear like a sailor. I tell him all about his grandkids and how River is in charge with his soprano scream and Pepper is a ninja, climbing everything making me nuts. Grandma asks for help all the time, "move this here", "that doesn't go there", "will you get this from the car". I tell him how I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off taking care of these three crazies. We call some of my brothers and try to FaceTime them but it doesn't work. I say, "This is a God dame joke, you pay $1000 for a iPhone and the piece of shit doesn't even fucking work. What a piece of crap?" He just starts laughing for like 10 minutes. So do I. I put my arms around him and hug him because this is my dad. This is my funny, dad who loves teasing and swearing and joking about life. It might sound bad to hear all the cussing but if you are on the verge of death, you don't give a shit about formalities and just want things to be real. I was as real as I could possibly be with him. Let's face it, the situation that he's in sucks and I just started calling it like it is. He was relieved to hear someone else say what he was thinking. He has a hard time getting everything out that he wants to say so I do most of the talking. I was just happy that he seemed to understand and love my stories. This is a big deal for someone with Alzheimer's. It was like I was having a conversation with my dad before he was sick. It felt so good to really talk with him even if he didn't catch everything. Energetically, a conversation happened with his responses and disoriented speech and it was so touching. He was there, like really in there and for a brief moment, I got him to laugh and it warmed my heart for the rest of the day. I felt love. I know he did too. You know when you just know. It's like electricity connecting two people. We see it with the connection of our gaze locking into each other and we feel the warmth deep within our hearts.
As I drive home, I felt happy and sad. I wish I could bring him home. I want more moments like this. The problem is that I can't be at the house 24 hours a day. He's needs 24 hour care. My mom is too weak to handle him by herself and I have 2 small children. I'm afraid he would get out of the house and get lost in the woods and die. That really happened to a resident at my dad's home. A man got out who really needed to be in memory care and got lost and died in the field behind the home. I would have to put locks on the tops of all the doors so he can't get out. I just can't do it. I cry in frustration because I would love to have my dad home. I cry because I miss joking with my dad and I know he would be happier at my house. One of the nurses said that they never saw him laugh like that and I need to come more often. I tell the nurse what an awesome person he is. I tell her about all the good things that he did for his children and how he is a good man. They don't know, they just see a sick man. I know his soul and he knows mine. A lot is said between us energetically with a simple smirk, a glance, a gesture and of course a swear word, ha! I had a good fucking day, I hope you did too:) I love the shit out of you all! Really, I do:) Peace out and laugh!
Hello my lovelies,
I've missed you all. I've been busy finishing my home sanctuary project and researching business stuff. I want to create more structure to my business and launch a membership site. Honestly it seems overwhelming but we'll see what comes. My goal is to help people heal themselves. After doing a lot of bodywork, I realize how everyone is suffering from some kind of pain. Sometimes this pain is physical aches and other times this pain is emotional. I work in a yoga studio that is kind of conservative in its clothing choices often wearing long pants and full shirts. I teach some of my hot classes in booty shorts and a little sports bra. Let's just say I stick out a little. It's not because I think that I have the most perfect body or to show off but because I don't believe in body shaming and I think the human body is beautiful, flaws and all. It is also more comfortable in a hot yoga class to wear less. You are cooler, there is less laundry and you dry off faster so you have a more comfortable drive home instead of driving home drenched in sweat. I have completely accepted the body that I've been given but I didn't always feel this way. There is an incredible amount of body shaming out there where people are literally not comfortable in their own skin. They are hating this flaw or that flaw and they cover up to hide whatever it is that they don't like about themselves. I'm here to say this in crap. Love yourself. If you are not happy with how your body looks then eat right and exercise consistently AND then love whatever the result is.
Remember that we are not our body. You can get many of your body parts cut off or replaced and you are still in there. Our bodies exist only so our soul can move around in the world and evolve in earth school. It is our vehicle to explore the world. Take good care of it, it's never too late to start and then love it. One way that I got over my body shaming issues was to go to a nudist resort. That's right baby, get naked in public. For me it was the ultimate body acceptance thing that I have ever done. I have scars and flaws and yes I'm guilty of wanting to hide my imperfections. When you are naked then you are hiding from nothing. Trying to relax and meet and talk with people in a nudist resort naked is hilarious in a way. It's super unconventional but so liberating. When everyone is naked, you get to see people's scars, wounds and things that might make someone insecure. When I went to a local nudist resort near me called Cypress Cove, I had an enormous amount of compassion looking at everyone. People there were fearless, open and completely accepting of their bodies. Many people didn't have the most ideal bodies but I admired their acceptance of themselves and their courage to show it off, imperfections and all. I would look around and see, wow, this woman had breast cancer and a mastectomy, that guy had a surgery and these guys are not ashamed of themselves.
I'll never forget the first time that I went to Cypress Cove. I thought I was going to die. I sat in the car a long time before I got out naked. Ahhhhhhhhh! I finally muster up the courage and go for it. I walk over to the pool area and of course you think everyone is staring at you. OMG! Run back to the car, I think. Then I think, walk don't run naked, lol. Then I think, fuck it. As I find a lounge chair by the packed pool I try to relax. I go in the pool and I can see a woman had a reduction. I want to connect with people to ask them about their experiences and she tells me that a nudist resort healed her social anxiety. She used to have it super bad. Then she would go to the resorts and when people have their cloths off everyone is even. Cloths often show people their status in life and then people treat each other differently accordingly. When everyone has their cloths off then you can't see someone's status and you get to see their ouchies. She learned to connect with people in an authentic way and then was able to carry that over into her everyday life. I was impressed because I honestly thought this place was going to be some kind of perverted orgy but it wasn't at all. It was simply people who wanted to enjoy the outdoors in a safe environment with other like minded people.
Another way to get over your body shaming issues is to get naked in nature alone or simply walk around our house naked. Don't be afraid to look in the mirror. It's also cool to see progress as you get into shape. Love wherever you are at and enjoy the journey. You are beautiful. If you want other people to love you then learn to love yourself unconditionally. Lose the judge inside of you. You'll notice that the less that you judge other people, the less that you will judge yourself. This may sound like a crazy way to heal your body image issues but it's not. I was super modest growing up and I never wanted anyone to see me naked. This was hard for me to get over. The funny thing was that I was the most insecure when I was young and beautiful. I'm much older now with more scars and flaws and I have more confidence than I did when I was young. You don't have to get in front of people, you can also get naked alone but the point is to love your body. Touch yourself everywhere and say, "thank you God for giving me this amazing body". Now go get naked, lol! And tell me all about it because I want to hear your stories! I'm all about running to your fears to get over them. I want to create a fearless life and for me, this was one of them. Sending you all much peace, love and body acceptance. You are beautiful!
Hello beautiful people, This is my health blog designed to encourage you to live your best life. Hopefully my experiences will positively influence your life somehow!