I'm so tired today. I stayed up till 2am talking with a friend. If I didn't have to work and teach yoga the next day at 8am then I could have stayed up all night laughing and goofing around. Responsibilities, ugh. I make it to the studio, teach a class and take the following class. It felt so good to flow in class and push myself even though I was tired. I've been slacking and I've been having a harder time taking class. I come home and ride my bike while the kids scooter to the neighborhood park and we have a blast playing on the beach, catching mini clams, watching schools of minnows and I rest. The weather is beautiful, the sun warms my body and I reminisce about all the fun times of yesterday until sand flies in my face. For some reason Pepper throws sand on me. I stay calm and explain to her that I don't like that. My sweet baby apologizes and we hug. I don't get angry because she is learning and only 6. I make a point to be present and to love her unconditionally. The kids make it over to the play ground and play imaginary Halo games for an hour. I'm amazed by their imaginations, lack of judgement and the fluidity of their imaginary games. They giggle and laugh while they climb ladders, hang on poles, slip down slides, play dead and swap imaginary Halo guns.
We make it back to the house where I feed them longan's, mangos and soup. They are calm, worn out and happy. My son says "mommy, you da best mommy. I luv you.". My heart bursts. I give him the biggest hug and kiss him everywhere while he giggles. I've been told to slow down by many people and so I do, for them and for myself. Today I rest.
I give them their tablets, River watches Halo on tv and they rest after so much active play. I sneak into my bedroom, close the door, sit in front of the window, set the timer and meditate. Bliss. What I've been dreading is now what I crave. I dreaded meditating and I didn't appreciate the value of it. In the past, if no action was taking place and then I considered it useless. I see how this precious quiet space is a vessel for God to speak through me. I have a sincere desire meditate and I respect for its importance. For me, the constant do'er, this activity of stillness has become my golden 30 minutes. The task of witnessing my thoughts and writing about them is helping me understand where my growth is needed.
With my eyes closed, I think about the wizard that I met at the drum circle last night. In a previous meditation I saw visions of a wizard and a little boy in a forest and that magic is real. Now, I meet someone who calls himself a wizard and I believe him. He knows how to read my cerebral mind and tells me to stop and find stillness. He says this is where all my growth will happen. All these distractions that I have while I meditate are my opportunities to work through the distractions and stay meditating even while they happen. For example, last time I meditated, a dog threw up and was eating his throw up. He says, instead of getting up to let the dog out, it is my work to sit through it. Ugh! Now that's a challenge. He says think of Buddha who had a mosquito biting him while meditating and he maintains his stillness. We talk for a long time but don't connect on a deep level until we stop talking and simply look into each other's eyes for ten minutes. Electricity happens and through this connection, energy flows all throughout my body. We smile at the end, because we both felt each other and are somehow bonded. I leave and go home to hang with my out of town friend who chats with me all night.
I think of the kids playing at the beach and park and reminisce about their joy while they played. My daughter walks into the room while I meditate and asks me to open her raspberry sherbet ice cream. She asks me what I am doing and I tell her I am meditating. What is that mommy? It's where I sit in a quiet room and close my eyes while staying awake. She leaves and my mind races to a memory of my father. Deja Vu. I remember walking into the basement at our old house in Schaumburg, IL and he was meditating. I must have been around 10. He was embarrassed and jumped up and stopped. I remember this was something very private for him. I remember asking him what it was and I don't completely remember what he said but I think it was something about creating happiness. My dad was a very depressed and lonely man. He never really overcame his depression. Next my mind jumps to my daughters bedroom where she has all his stuffed animals. When I would stay at his house in The Villages he had stuffed animals everywhere. He used to say that they were his friends and they would talk to him and they were watching him. He named one stuffed animal Betsy the Cow and had a voice and a personality for this stuffed animal. My mother and him used to fight so much when we grew up. Bad fights where the police were called. He used to drink a six pack a night. It was mostly my mom who would be yelling at everyone. She was over worked and tired, so was he. My mom had five children and her PHD before she was 29. The stuffed animals remind me of how lonely he was, busy raising so many kids and in a dysfunctional marriage. He escaped through this childlike play as an adult. He had so many trauma in his life and didn't know how to talk through his pain. I know he didn't know how to process his feelings because nobody in our family did. There was a lot of yelling, fighting, violence and hurt feelings. Somewhere in the middle of that was love. I love my dad so much. He did so many nice things for me. He is sick with Alzheimer's and gone on a cruise in Asia. My mother says it's cheaper than a nursing home. He is having incontinence issues and cries and my mom has her own struggling health issues has to take care of him. My heart breaks for his fear and anxiety. I wish I could take that away from him so he could find peace in his final years.
I remember more because I write immediately after my meditation. My leg tingles and I lengthen it while I sit up tall. I feel gratitude because I have been making lots of new connections in my life, meaningful ones. I feel happy that I am making new friends who are helping me process all my emotions. My 300 hour yoga teacher training is challenging me as my teacher pierces my heart with growth. She encourages me to process my traumas. I cry so much during training. I'm blessed to be able to do this, to heal. Somehow I am finding so many spiritual connections. Each one has been giving me a piece or a next step to transcend me deeper and deeper into my truth. Where does my fear sneak in? Where do I slip out of my authenticity? How can I live my life unapologetically while I fiercely search for my soul which somehow seems lost. I am loving all the colors that each of these beautiful people bring to my life. My life is developing a richness that I haven't had before. Joy. Bliss. Love.
The alarm goes off. Goodbye, besos!
I stayed at my friend's house last night to avoid driving an hour late at night because I go out with another friend for her birthday. I sit across from him in front of his window. We sit cross legged and go. At first I am distracted by his energy listening to his breathing and presence. My mind is more manic than normal, jumping from thought to thought. Maybe it's the excitement from sitting across from someone. I sit up tall and I'm surprised by how much taller I can lengthen my spine. I notice that after time my spine shrinks and I have to keep lengthening. Repeat. My leg falls asleep and my foot goes completely numb. Do I have to be uncomfortable when I meditate and just suffer through it? I adjust my legs a little and go. I think of the burlesque show the night before called Lady Guys vs Ladies. I loved the creativity of everyone's performances and how much they unapologetically owned their sexuality. Every performer was very inspiring and they encourage me to be brave. I think of my Thanksgiving day plans, will I make it back for yoga or should I go out for breakfast? I'm hungry. I listen to the silence and there are moments of emptiness. It feels good to sit here and just be. Finally the meditation is over. I have to move my leg out of the way because it is numb and I have to wiggle my toes to feel them again. I open my eyes and see the beautiful person sitting in front of me. I smile. Gratitude.
I meditate late at night this time in my airbnb house that I live in now. I moved out of Darrel's place so that I can sell the home. I sit cross legged on my bed and close my eyes, cup my hands and escape. I focus on breathing. My friend in yoga has to get her gall bladder removed and I think about our conversation. I was recommending to her not to get it done because gall stones are caused by animal products and there is a chance that if she water fasted and changed her diet to plant based then she could save her gall bladder. She says it's too late because she already paid for the surgery and is sad about missing yoga. I am sad too because she is such a hard worker. She has been coming to classes regularly and dropped her weight from 174 to 132 through yoga. I'm so proud of her and her progress. I hope she is ok and the surgery goes well. I respect her and her choices but I worry. Why worry because there is nothing I can do anyway? She has to walk her own path.
I am biking the next morning with my friend from yoga. This girl is awesome, great energy and I'm excited to go and happy to have made so many new friends since I moved to Florida. I'm so grateful for all the beautiful people in my life and all the loving support that I have been given during some very difficult times. The trail where we will bike is beautiful, lots of nature, solitude, exercise and great conversation. Life can be awesome!
I am writing this post a few days after the meditation and I notice that if I write about it right after then I remember more. If I wait my memory gets amnesia! I can hardly remember my witnessing of my thoughts if I wait. I see the importance of logging your thoughts so you can review them and see if there are any patterns or nagging thoughts. That is our intuition telling us something and I wonder how I can listen better. I get very restless at the end of the meditation checking the time almost every minute at the end. I'm so tired and I want to close my eyes and sleep. I'm exhausted from moving back into my house and happy that I was able to squeeze in a meditation today.
Today I'm up at 6:30am, I sneak into the living room to meditate. I unroll a yoga mat, cross my legs, sit upright and close my eyes. I try to be present up I hear a buzzing distracting me. I swat my hand all over my head and look around. Is that my imagination or is there a mosquito trying to bite me? I keep hearing the mosquito and I keep swatting from time to time. I think about my Airbnb. I have a house that I use as a vacation rental and I'm getting pressure from my neighbors and the condominium association to end it. I worked with a realtor to list my home. Now I am trying to see if I can get the people who have already booked the place through the holidays or not. I think about different towns to live in or if I should stay close. I think about moving back into my Airbnb. It scares me because I am not making very much money teaching yoga. I think about business, how to grow mine. In a weird way, moving back into my house is scary and also a relief. The universe is pushing me into this direction and I'm going to trust that this is what is right for me. It's also exciting to think about so many changes about to happen. I hear a dog throwing up in the other room. Are you kidding me? I hear him trying to eat it so I rush up to let the 4 dogs we have today out and pick up the vomit. I go back to my seat, the mosquito is gone now. Almost all my thoughts are about the future. I have some anxiety over it but make an effort to trust. It's time to create an even more beautiful life than I'm living now. I dream about all the beautiful things that I want in my life. Time to get them:) . Maybe life becomes exciting now.
I meditate sitting up in bed today. The house is quiet and I don't want to wake anybody up. I think about people I connect with almost the whole time. Friends, lovers, potential lovers, ex-lovers, family, people I work with, peers, etc. I think about them all but especially lovers. Who would be fun to go out with? Who have I had fun with? How did I feel with I was with this person or that person? I think about intimacy and how much I want it. Why do we like the people that we do and not others? I think about controlling my desires because they can cause a lot of suffering. Can I get to a place where I am simply present all the time and there is nothing to desire because whatever it is that I want is right there in front of me, in the moment? This meditation almost feels like a dream, especially since I just woke up and I'm still sitting in my bed. The time flies...meditation over.
Wow, it feels like I've been meditating forever and it's only day 11. I wake up at 6 today because the dogs are whimpering so much. My partner is a dog trainer and he left for the night to go to his girlfriends house so I'm on dog duty. We have 3 dogs at the house. 1 is his demo dog, Cosmo and 2 are client dogs. I have an open relationship and this is a part of it. We often alternate who goes off with another partner. It feels so vulnerable to share this part of my life but it's real and authentic. It's a really long story on how it all started, how we became comfortable with opening our relationship after 9 years of monogamy. I sometimes wonder if I ever really got comfortable with it or if it was a bandaid for our broken relationship. Yes something had to change in our relationship because we both became so unhappy. I was willing to try anything to find peace because the route we were on was not working. We have 2 babies together and we figured if we got divorced we would be dating other people anyway. If we open our relationship then we can support each other through this change and help raise the kids together. We have had an open relationship for about 2.5 years now. I have to admit, I do like some of the alone time and it has been a relief to our relationship to spend some time apart. We did everything together and became very co-dependent. Opening things up has pushed us into re-claiming our independence.
I let the dogs run in the yard for about 45 minutes, go back to sleep and then let them back in and begin to meditate. It's cold outside so after letting the dogs back in I hide under my covers to warm up. I'm freezing at 48 degrees out. I'm from Chicago and my friends and family would laugh at me because it gets really cold up there. Snow. Ice. Sleet. Below freezing, etc. Either way, it's too cold for me to go outside and meditate right now. I have my 2 kids in the house, Pepper 6 years old and River 3 years old and I want to be around in case they wake up. I sit up on my bed, covers draped all over me, I close my eyes, sit cross legged, set the timer and go. For the first 15 minutes, one of the new dog whimpers the whole time. I feel my body tense up at each whimper and I can't fall into my meditation. Honestly I get really mad and angry. I just want quiet and I already let this dog out for a long time. I go in and out of a dream state with each whimper. Then my phone dings 2 times. I turn it to do not disturb. I simply realize how distracted my life is. I'm trying to do a simple task like meditate for 30 minutes a day and I struggle so much to do it. I'll be way more successful if I wake up before the kids to do it but I wrestle with dog distractions. Ugh. I go to the dogs cage and bang on it and say quiet. The dog stops. In the dog training world, if I let the dog out of the cage, knowing that it just went out because it was whimpering then I just untrained the dog. The dog learns that crying equals getting out of the kennel. You only let the dog out when they are quiet and calm. Then they don't associate crying to get what they want.
I can't help but to think about moving out and getting my own place as I listen to these dogs all morning. I'm tempted but I'm afraid. There is convenience and financial benefits with us living and raising the kids together. My job isn't really enough money to support myself at this time. I need to keep growing my business, it's only been a year. I could live off my savings but that really scares me. We do love each other very much but is that enough? The dog finally stopped whimpering. Peace. The last 15 minutes my mind wonders about all the different choices I can make in my life. If I did move out then where, how would my life change? What do I need to do to prepare myself? Is this the right decision or am I reacting emotionally because this dog is upsetting me? I simply notice how much these thoughts consume me, exhaust me, drain me. I think about new possibilities. Trust. Meditation. Can I trust my meditation to guide me on the right path? Right now, I'm so distracted it's hard to even think.
I am listing my other airbnb house. It's different from the one I live in. I think if I should sell or keep the furniture and all the things I can do to downsize and simplify my life. I think about setting up a sound room. I used to do voice-over in Chicago. I want to set that up. I haven't done it because where I live there is constant noise and I can't record with background noise. I need the house quiet. Wow, I just realized something that I need that I'm not getting. I am not going to go home to Chicago or Wisconsin for the holidays because of my Airbnb. I have people moving in and out and I have to be there to clean it. Part of me is bummed out for this and another part of me is happy to avoid the cold weather. I do like being alone in a quiet house.
I check the time, 5 more minutes. I check again 1 minute over and I'm done. Until next time, peace and love everyone.
Today I wake up early, 6:30 and sneak into my living room as quiet as I can so I don't wake the 5 dogs that we have at the house. If I wake the dogs then they wake the babies and I'm on duty. Ssssshhhhhh. Quiet. I don't do anything to make myself too comfortable other then sit on a yoga mat as I stealth like sneak into my seat. I set the timer and I'm off to La La Land.
It takes a little time to settle into the meditation. I can hear the dogs rustle and whimper a little. I tense up a little and hope they settle. I don't move a muscle other than focus on my breathing. I start to relax. My mind wanders all over future plans of moving, selling furniture, new school for my kids. I have an airbnb and I had two tenants who threw parties and upset my neighbors. I'm getting pressured to take the listing down. I have to make big decisions about the place and like a chess game I think of all my possible moves and the possible outcomes for the different choices that I can make. Do I simply sell the house? Do I long term rent it and move the furniture out? Do I try to rent it fully furnished? Or do I move back into it? Sometimes I don't like being an adult having to make big choices. Can someone else decide for me? The curse of being a Libra sinks me into indecision. Breathe. My friend says don't worry everything will be ok. Ok, then. Can it be that simple? Is all my worry wasted energy? Simply take an action, any of them and stop thinking. If one doesn't work then try another until the best decision arrives to me. I go back to my breath. Deep inhale. Hold it at the top for a beat. Long exhalation. I want to sell it.
I wish I was outside but it's chilly outside and I don't want to move around too much to wake up the house to bundle up. Breathe. I think about sitting up tall and rolling my shoulders down and back so that I can line up my chakras. Peace. I like the quiet. I like the stillness. I check the time, 11 minutes to go so I go. I check the time again, 3 more minutes. I check the time again, 1:14 over time and I'm done.
Hello my lovelies, today I drive to a different lakefront nature spot in Clermont Florida. It is a beautiful little lakefront picnic area and the time of the year is perfect to be outside in Florida. The nature and beauty of this area is something that I am truly blessed with. I unroll my yoga mat, sit cross legged, close my eyes and breath. The air is softly chilly and I get goose bumps up and down my arms and legs. I open my eyes and notice the grass and they way the sunlight hits it. There are so many different shades of green. The richness of the color takes me in. The water is softer, more calm this morning with smooth bumps coming toward me. I close my eyes again. I think about Ohso's Courage book, "the old is dead, always choose the new". He says this because the new is an opportunity to grow, to learn to experience life. What old things do I need to let go of so that I can move into the new?
A lady shows up with her big chocolate lab as an older gentleman walks his husky. She asks him if she can let her dog go so they can say hello as her dog might knock her over. He politely says no and I think, thank God! I tensed up as I imagine that huge chocolate lab walking over the wet grass and jumping all over me on my white zip up. They distract me and then they leave. I open my eyes again and I notice the light changed and it almost looks like a different view. It's darker now as the sun moved behind a cloud. I check the time, 13 more minutes. I want to get up more today even though I am enjoying the meditation. I have to go to the bathroom, where the heck can I go, there's no public bathroom and a lady in her car pointed right at me. I think that this is just my mind playing tricks on me and I can hold it. I move into my breath and somehow my urge dissipates. Calm. I think about creativity, I want it. I want to move into my authentic power and create. What can I do? I think of my voice, I want to express it. I feel like I've keep quiet for a long time so that I don't ruffle the waters. I have different ideas, creativity and a quiet voice that wants to be heard. Is that through my writing? Geez I love all this writing. It reminds me of the times when I used to act. I read sooooo much good literature through theater plays. Maybe the creativity wants to come out through public speaking or through music, I'm not really sure. All I know is that there is room to explore and find out. Breathe. My 30 minutes are up. I stand up and appreciate my beautiful view and hurry back to my car so I can finally relieve myself. Many blessings.
Today I drop off my daughter at school and go to the lake and meditate on the pier. The wind blows ripples in the water and the sunlight shines down on the water painting waves that seem to smile at me. I squint my eyes a little and think about the book Siddhartha and the water laughing at me. I sit on the bench and meditate. This is after a very very intense yoga teacher training weekend. Many breakthoughs happen. I recognize old wounds buried deep that have never healed and reconnect with relationships that have been broken. So much healing happened and so much more is coming. As I meditate I burst into tears like 3 or 4 times. I finally feel the pain of the past that I stuffed down an avoided through alcohol, keeping busy or some other avoidance mechanism. Grief. I didn't realize how deep the wounds were. Every tear that rolls off my cheek is a relief, a release. Finally I get to move through my wounds, deal with them, create awareness and let them go. A warm wind breezes past my face and I feel the warm Florida sun heat up my face and body. It feels like nature is hugging me and telling me that everything is going to be ok. Life is just beginning, joy is in my heart. Yesterday I went to a Kundalini meditation and sang and chanted my heart out with 2 beautiful friends. The room was vibrating at such a high level of joy, while we sang to the divine. Liquid consonants buzz in our mouths and vowels roll over out tongues. The energy was so powerful that everyone was swaying and thumping with the music. I smile as I reminisce about the amazing time that I had the night before. Connecting with the divine becomes one of my top priorities in life because through that alignment is a life of bliss. I think about creating more of those memories for myself and how to create a life full of that joy. I grieve over all the anger that I had for so long and think that life can be lived with happiness and I'm starting to learn how. This time it is more authentic, more powerful, more real because of my awareness. I've been humbled as I feel like God has brought me to my knees and pierced my heart.
My meditation is over, I look around, stretch, pick up my things and walk back to my car. Yes, I think I can love to meditate.
I meditate at the yoga studio for 25 minutes. I can't get it in everyday. Some days are super swamped with classes, kids, appointments, etc. I realize just how busy my life is simply because I can't find 30 minutes a day to find silence and stop. Forget about meditating 2 times a day. How can I simplify my life I think so that I have more time? Does everyone struggle with this?
Anyway, I sit in the back room. Peace. I find that I fall into the meditations easier and easier simply in that I settle into them more and simply watch my thoughts. I'm writing this a few days after day 7 so I can't really remember my thoughts other than they are there busy planning or recalling. I breath into the meditation and relax. I notice that my spine slightly circles clockwise. I'm starting to like meditating, weird. Yes I struggle but as I go on, I work to schedule it in my day. I see its importance. Discovering myself.