I am super proud of myself!!!! I did two 30 minute sessions today. It's a miracle! It does seem almost impossible for me not to get interrupted however. I had to answer someone at the door in the middle and answer a phone call. I quickly take care of these things and back to meditation.
I think about fear because I'm reading Ohso's book on Courage. I have a partner and I realize that I've been afraid of his light. Almost as if the more he grows into his awesomeness, the more afraid I get as if I become less because he grows more. It's really silly to think about because what is happening is that his light is simply forcing me to face the fears that I already had and forcing me to address them and step out of the dark and step into the light with him. I'm learning to love unconditionally and without fear. The journey that I am on is terrifying and awesome at the same time. I'm letting go more and more and surprisingly enough, I'm finding more joy.
The second meditation I sit in silence on my bed. Children still not asleep and I get restless after 18 minutes. This has become a pattern I notice just after 15 minutes I want to get up. My mind wanders into the past and into the future. I think about my relationships. How can I make them better and how can I develop more of them. I want to be connected with people. I also think of all the to do's for the next day and past events of the current day. I wrestle with authenticity and openness. I want to be authentic but authentic doesn't mean open. What is ok to write on a public blog? Until next time...and very happy about today.