Good morning! Today I wake up around 7ish, do some light chores and go sit down to meditate on my ottoman. I like sitting here because I am facing the windows to the backyard and it is beautiful. I wrap myself up in a blanket and off I go.
The first thing that comes up is being alone. I notice that I crave being alone and I'm also uncomfortable with it at the same time. I have been dating and I asked a few people to come over and no-one was available. I was bummed out because it would have been fun to hang out with someone. I wonder, am I dating because the connection with the person is right or to avoid my aloneness. I am definitely exploring some new things so I'm not hard on myself, I am just learning through trial and error. I spent the night raising my two beautiful kids alone. I recently went out with someone who confessed that he is hesitant to get involved with me because of the children. I respect his ability to communicate this difficult thing to say but in that moment I also knew that he had blocks to work through. You can meet a beautiful person that you have a strong connection with but if you put your expectations of who that person is into a box then you are highly likely to miss out on the person sitting right in front of you. You miss out on an authentic connection because they didn't fit your expectation. If this person is open to the idea of working through his blocks, the children might be the very thing that he needs in his life to heal himself. I learn from them everyday. They completely blow me away with their joy their enthusiasm and their authenticity. As an adult we become sarcastic, we put up blocks based on our cultural conditioning. One of those conditionings for men in today's culture is that guys do a lot to avoid kids and single mothers. I know because I have seen the dating videos for guys, coaching guys to stay away from single mothers. It sucks. Not all guys of course but there seems to be a lot. I know a lot of single mother's. Get into yoga and you will meet them all. I think about these women and children a lot. There is a whole generation of kids growing up with single mothers and often the men are not around. I am fortunate that Darrel, my kids daddy takes a very active role in raising my babies. He truly is a wonderful dad. I thank god that he is there because I have no-one else to help, at least in Orlando and he's an awesome daddy. He takes great care of the kids, he's affectionate with them, spends time with them and truly cares. We have an open relationship and I know about these videos for men because I've seen him watch them. He ended up dating a single mother and he comments on how those videos are terrible. He has a beautiful relationship with his partner and she has a little boy that my kids adore. They also gain from the situation. It's something that I want for myself to be honest. Darrel and I get along great and when we have issues, we talk about them. Lately I've been wrestling with my ego and pride while he went on a trip out of town with his partner. I felt myself pulling back and the contradiction that this was in my life because at the end of the day I love Darrel very much and I do want him in my life. I'm not sure how that will look but on a spiritual level, I process the most with him. I'm growing the most with him. I'm challenged like heck with him. I think for us, at the very least, our relationship might work best if we live separate. I simply have a desire to live without the dog business and I crave quiet time to work on creative projects. When the time comes, I may also love to go out of town with someone and I would love it if Darrel could help with the kids, and he would. The more we cooperate with each other then the more that we get out of the situation. Including me seeing that I still have triggers to work through. It seems like there are constant opportunities to improve ourselves.
I had a great time with my kids alone. It would have been nice to share this with someone. We watched Christmas movies, made popcorn, lots of snacks and played. I had a big box of matchbox cars and River ordered them into different Transformer characters. I'm always amazed at his building skills. He builds stuff every second he can. He builds pillow towers, toy figures, etc, creating joyfully. We played hide and go seek, their favorite and pillow fights. I have to be careful when we pillow fight because they are so delicate but they love it and laugh and laugh and laugh. Pepper re-arranged the Christmas decorations into some unusual places and I think, why not:) . Stocking can hang off the kitchen table and end tables instead of the fireplace, lol. She is very specific with her placement of the decorations and takes a lot of pride in her work. They were excited to put up the decorations and lights, jumping and skipping happily throughout the house. Little do these guys know, they are the ones missing out.