Today I meditate for 45 minutes. I missed a few days and was really busy with yoga teacher training weekend and selling different things in my house that I felt like I needed extra time to stop and to process all the information. I sit on my couch in my living room with my feet on the floor, straight spine. I think about all the spiritual development that I'm going through lately. I've been making so many hard decisions lately and doing things to simplify my life. I feel alone and for now, I'm ok with it.
The other night I woke up around 3am because I couldn't sleep. I went to sit in my living room to read and started to hear a lot of scratching in my walls. What the heck?!!! Then it stopped and then the scratching moved to another wall. OMG!!!!! Then it stops and starts and I am thinking there are mice in my walls! I called two pest exterminators and one guy went into my attic and quoted me $1740! He said there were mice and rats in my ceiling. I was totally freaking out. Just the word rat freaks me out. knowing that the only thing separating us was a piece of drywall gives me chills. I was also flipping out over the price quote to irradiate the issue. I called a second pest guy and he quoted me $700! What the heck? How can it be a full $1000 cheaper? The second guy simply seemed more honest and so I go with him. I am trying to sell the house and I want any issues taken care of so that nothing gets in the way of the sale. I totally think this sucks because I don't want to spend anymore money on the house, especially if it is not cosmetic.
Next my mind wanders to my friend in teacher training who is looking to change her life and she is thinking of moving to Santa Barbara California. I am thinking, TAKE ME WITH YOU! I used to live there and as far as I'm concerned, it's the best city in California. The mountains are right on the ocean so the city can only grow so big and it has beautiful Spanish plazas and architecture. I love the flowers in Santa Barbara and the scenery is absolutely stunning. The weather is 74 degrees year round so it's always pleasant. I think about my old life there. I dated a super beautiful surfer guy and his family lived on the Riviera and would often invite us to dinner parties at this gorgeous house that over looked the city. It was a very fun part of my life and sometimes I think, why did I leave? I will say that it is extremely expensive and that was a huge part of leaving. Fun times.
As I'm sitting in my house, downsizing and selling it, a part of me is mad that I'm doing it alone. I always wanted a partner in life, like a real partner where we grow our lives together. We help raise each other up, co-create and have synergy working together to create an awesome life together. A life were we plan for travel, take care of the house and kids together and love each other like crazy. This house was a part of me trying to build that dream with my ex and selling it is like letting go of that dream. I worked so hard to update it and decorate it in a way that is beautiful and a happy place for me. I didn't realize how attached I was to it. After I sell it I want to move closer to Orlando so that I'm not so far in the country. I want access to more yoga studios, schools, clients and a social life. It sucks to let go of that something you worked so hard for and start over. Another part of me feels complete relief to get rid of it as well as anxiety about where do I move to. I can handle this. I've been doing this the whole time alone, even though there was an illusion that someone else was there. I'm finding my courage, somehow. Waaaaaahhhhh!
I don't have kids tonight and I'm tempted to call someone to come over yet I resist the urge. I'm feeling like I need to completely stop everything and be with myself. I plan to use this time to read and do self study. I have lots of homework to do before the next yoga teacher training along with my own self study that I've been obsessed with.
My back gets achy and I wonder why did I decide to do 45 minutes instead of 30! I want to get up. I hear the washing machine stop and I have an urge to change it. I think of things to do and want to stop and do them. I resist and stay in the meditation but I do check the time, 13 more minutes! This feel like an eternity but I also know I can do this. Love. How can I love more, better and also protect my own spirit? After teacher training, I realize how fragile we all are and every one of us is dealing with something. How can we all treat each other better and how can I be more sensitive and loving? I'm trying. I am doing the work and I already feel the benefits. So much peace and love for you all. Time to get into alignment. Peace.
Hello Beautiful People,
Today I wake up freezing and sit on my ottoman and meditate. I wrestle with my thoughts. I am frustrated with the way people treat each other. There seems to be a real lack of consideration for each other.
Recently I had a friend say, maybe I can invite you to this Thanksgiving party on the morning of Thanksgiving. The day goes on and I re-arrange my plans to see if I'll be invited because it sounded like fun. It's now late in the day and I end up going to a different friends house close by and not going downtown to get the vegan Thanksgiving that I was hoping for at this restaurant. I didn't go downtown to this restaurant because I was waiting to hear back from my friend because the party was downtown and I didn't want to make two trips. Anyway, the whole day goes by and I send a message, saying I didn't hear from you so I guess we aren't coming at 9pm. Honestly I was upset. Would it really have been so hard to send me a message to say it wasn't a good idea or not? A simple communication to say, please continue on with your plans without me. Maybe I could have also sent a message or called too. Either way, it still seemed kinda cold to blow someone off on a holiday without a message. Thankfully I had another friend who also extended an invite.
The theme continues, I have another friend that I was dating. He goes out of town on a retreat and comes back engaged. What? This was really weird for me because I just saw this person and I was really open and honest with him about my situation but he wasn't very open with me about his. It feels bad because I'll still bump into this person and now his new fiancee. I wouldn't have gotten involved if I knew he was going to get engaged.
I go out with someone else who clearly shows a lot of interest in me. We had a very nice connection. We hung out a few times and then he forgot something at my house. Then he proceeds to tell me he doesn't want to get involved because I have children. I'm thinking, why are you at my house then. Your energy is saying something completely different.
I went biking with another friend. I drove an hour to see him. I meet up, we hang out for a little bit, go biking and then dinner. After 3 hours he says he's done for the night. I'm kinda annoyed because I drive 2 hours to see you essentially. Why can't you clear your schedule to hang out for the evening? And, why didn't you tell me before we meet up that you wanted to end the evening so early. I might have decided not to come at all because it wouldn't have been worth the drive.
It happens again, I have an amazing time with another guy that I go out with and then I don't hear from him for a month. We have a text message here and there with me reaching out and asking how it's going with nothing but aloof responses. Then yesterday I ask him about it and he says "what the hell, I'm working on communicating better". Really? It doesn't seem like you are putting in any effort at all. If you cared then you didn't show it at all.
My frustration is that I wouldn't treat anyone in this way. What I have come to realize is that I have become a very good communicator in my relationship with Darrel but with these other relationships there is a lack. I want to be treated better. I want to be considered. I want someone to be thoughtful of my feelings. Lately it just hasn't felt good. Am I doing something wrong? Why is there a theme here with a few different people? How can I avoid situations like this that don't feel so good? It just makes me feel sad, like I'm not important or respected. I know I don't have any control over these other people so what can I do differently? Ok, rant over, just saying...I'm frustrated.
Hello my lovelies,
I wake up at 7am, and I hear my diva cup and fly out of bed to go empty it before it can possibly leak on the bed. Yes, it's that time of the month. I take care of business and go in my living room, sit on my ottoman with my feet on the ground and meditate. This is my favorite position to meditate because when I'm cross legged, my feet fall asleep.
Darrel came home yesterday and picked up the kids. We talked and I had a chance to talk about the feelings that I've been wrestling with. It felt good to communicate. I told him I was feeling jealousy and he simply said, if I want to go on a trip with him sometime then just let him know. I was able to feel these feelings and witness them and not react. Instead I talked about them, saying this is how I'm feeling and asked questions like why am I feeling this way. Am I really upset that he went out of town? Not really. I have an opportunity to go to Chicago in Dec for Christmas and I don't want to go because I don't enjoy the snow and I know everyone will have limited days off of work so there won't be a lot of visiting time anyway. I would rather go in the summer. There is just this egotistical side of me that wants to be first, feel special like I'm more important to him than someone else. This desire to be special is what causes my suffering. If we are really ONE then I'm no better than anyone else. I am careful to process this stuff with others because I see the wounded side of them and I see their triggers. I see that they also have a lot of healing to do as we all do and in order to make the best decisions then I need to make those alone. Isn't it funny how that word keeps coming up, alone. I notice that whatever I resist is exactly where I need to go on my journey of unfolding. I am resisting being alone but I think that's exactly what I need to continue to evolve my soul.
I have been slipping on my meditation project a few days. It's mostly because I've been processing a lot of feelings lately and I needed extra time to think about them. I've been learning so much lately, it's incredible. I've been reading all about Tantra and it's so similar to all the principals of yoga. I already know this stuff. I learned it in my yoga teacher trainings. Now I'm learning it deeper. I have yoga teacher training this upcoming weekend. I love these weekends, learning and bonding with the other teachers. It's a time for a lot of growth.
I am thankful. I have a beautiful life overall. I am evolving spiritually. I am able to witness my emotions and communicate. I am growing like crazy. I really love all the things happening to me because they are forcing me to break free and come into the fullest expression of myself. Why do we resist this unfolding of ourselves? Do we not like change? Is it because of the fear of the unknown? I think it's all of the above. I feel myself becoming more present and surrendering to the unknown. I'm learning to go with it and I'm stopping my pre-conceived notions of what the unknown should look like. I surrender to the unknown and trust that everything that is happening to me is to help evolve my soul. For some reason my soul needs these experiences to grow, to learn, to see more clearly and to find happiness. Life is beautiful, even the dark side of our lives. When we work through our darkness then we come into our higher consciousness. I'm feeling that higher consciousness now. Bliss. I'm thankful for my dark side and I'm learning to be friends with it. It's the wounded side of me that needs extra love instead of being afraid of it. Don't ignore this dark side, embrace it, love it. I think of how I can nurture this side, explore it fully and love it deeply with as much care as I can give it. This is the ultimate expression of self care. Learning to heal ourselves through our shadows, through our pain and re-claiming our lost souls. Our soul is there, sometimes it simply gets lost with all our cultural conditioning and our desire to please. We sometimes need to step outside of our culture and be alone at least temporarily so that we can re-claim ourselves. Find what was once lost and celebrate our differences instead of worrying about fitting in. In the process we honor our true self instead of betraying ourselves. In the process, we learn to live fearlessly with confidence. In the process, we get to learn ourself thoroughly. I am learning who I really am for the first time in my life. It feels so scary, raw and vulnerable but it's truth and truth is what I'm seeking.
Good morning! Today I wake up around 7ish, do some light chores and go sit down to meditate on my ottoman. I like sitting here because I am facing the windows to the backyard and it is beautiful. I wrap myself up in a blanket and off I go.
The first thing that comes up is being alone. I notice that I crave being alone and I'm also uncomfortable with it at the same time. I have been dating and I asked a few people to come over and no-one was available. I was bummed out because it would have been fun to hang out with someone. I wonder, am I dating because the connection with the person is right or to avoid my aloneness. I am definitely exploring some new things so I'm not hard on myself, I am just learning through trial and error. I spent the night raising my two beautiful kids alone. I recently went out with someone who confessed that he is hesitant to get involved with me because of the children. I respect his ability to communicate this difficult thing to say but in that moment I also knew that he had blocks to work through. You can meet a beautiful person that you have a strong connection with but if you put your expectations of who that person is into a box then you are highly likely to miss out on the person sitting right in front of you. You miss out on an authentic connection because they didn't fit your expectation. If this person is open to the idea of working through his blocks, the children might be the very thing that he needs in his life to heal himself. I learn from them everyday. They completely blow me away with their joy their enthusiasm and their authenticity. As an adult we become sarcastic, we put up blocks based on our cultural conditioning. One of those conditionings for men in today's culture is that guys do a lot to avoid kids and single mothers. I know because I have seen the dating videos for guys, coaching guys to stay away from single mothers. It sucks. Not all guys of course but there seems to be a lot. I know a lot of single mother's. Get into yoga and you will meet them all. I think about these women and children a lot. There is a whole generation of kids growing up with single mothers and often the men are not around. I am fortunate that Darrel, my kids daddy takes a very active role in raising my babies. He truly is a wonderful dad. I thank god that he is there because I have no-one else to help, at least in Orlando and he's an awesome daddy. He takes great care of the kids, he's affectionate with them, spends time with them and truly cares. We have an open relationship and I know about these videos for men because I've seen him watch them. He ended up dating a single mother and he comments on how those videos are terrible. He has a beautiful relationship with his partner and she has a little boy that my kids adore. They also gain from the situation. It's something that I want for myself to be honest. Darrel and I get along great and when we have issues, we talk about them. Lately I've been wrestling with my ego and pride while he went on a trip out of town with his partner. I felt myself pulling back and the contradiction that this was in my life because at the end of the day I love Darrel very much and I do want him in my life. I'm not sure how that will look but on a spiritual level, I process the most with him. I'm growing the most with him. I'm challenged like heck with him. I think for us, at the very least, our relationship might work best if we live separate. I simply have a desire to live without the dog business and I crave quiet time to work on creative projects. When the time comes, I may also love to go out of town with someone and I would love it if Darrel could help with the kids, and he would. The more we cooperate with each other then the more that we get out of the situation. Including me seeing that I still have triggers to work through. It seems like there are constant opportunities to improve ourselves.
I had a great time with my kids alone. It would have been nice to share this with someone. We watched Christmas movies, made popcorn, lots of snacks and played. I had a big box of matchbox cars and River ordered them into different Transformer characters. I'm always amazed at his building skills. He builds stuff every second he can. He builds pillow towers, toy figures, etc, creating joyfully. We played hide and go seek, their favorite and pillow fights. I have to be careful when we pillow fight because they are so delicate but they love it and laugh and laugh and laugh. Pepper re-arranged the Christmas decorations into some unusual places and I think, why not:) . Stocking can hang off the kitchen table and end tables instead of the fireplace, lol. She is very specific with her placement of the decorations and takes a lot of pride in her work. They were excited to put up the decorations and lights, jumping and skipping happily throughout the house. Little do these guys know, they are the ones missing out.