Today I meditate for 45 minutes. I missed a few days and was really busy with yoga teacher training weekend and selling different things in my house that I felt like I needed extra time to stop and to process all the information. I sit on my couch in my living room with my feet on the floor, straight spine. I think about all the spiritual development that I'm going through lately. I've been making so many hard decisions lately and doing things to simplify my life. I feel alone and for now, I'm ok with it.
The other night I woke up around 3am because I couldn't sleep. I went to sit in my living room to read and started to hear a lot of scratching in my walls. What the heck?!!! Then it stopped and then the scratching moved to another wall. OMG!!!!! Then it stops and starts and I am thinking there are mice in my walls! I called two pest exterminators and one guy went into my attic and quoted me $1740! He said there were mice and rats in my ceiling. I was totally freaking out. Just the word rat freaks me out. knowing that the only thing separating us was a piece of drywall gives me chills. I was also flipping out over the price quote to irradiate the issue. I called a second pest guy and he quoted me $700! What the heck? How can it be a full $1000 cheaper? The second guy simply seemed more honest and so I go with him. I am trying to sell the house and I want any issues taken care of so that nothing gets in the way of the sale. I totally think this sucks because I don't want to spend anymore money on the house, especially if it is not cosmetic.
Next my mind wanders to my friend in teacher training who is looking to change her life and she is thinking of moving to Santa Barbara California. I am thinking, TAKE ME WITH YOU! I used to live there and as far as I'm concerned, it's the best city in California. The mountains are right on the ocean so the city can only grow so big and it has beautiful Spanish plazas and architecture. I love the flowers in Santa Barbara and the scenery is absolutely stunning. The weather is 74 degrees year round so it's always pleasant. I think about my old life there. I dated a super beautiful surfer guy and his family lived on the Riviera and would often invite us to dinner parties at this gorgeous house that over looked the city. It was a very fun part of my life and sometimes I think, why did I leave? I will say that it is extremely expensive and that was a huge part of leaving. Fun times.
As I'm sitting in my house, downsizing and selling it, a part of me is mad that I'm doing it alone. I always wanted a partner in life, like a real partner where we grow our lives together. We help raise each other up, co-create and have synergy working together to create an awesome life together. A life were we plan for travel, take care of the house and kids together and love each other like crazy. This house was a part of me trying to build that dream with my ex and selling it is like letting go of that dream. I worked so hard to update it and decorate it in a way that is beautiful and a happy place for me. I didn't realize how attached I was to it. After I sell it I want to move closer to Orlando so that I'm not so far in the country. I want access to more yoga studios, schools, clients and a social life. It sucks to let go of that something you worked so hard for and start over. Another part of me feels complete relief to get rid of it as well as anxiety about where do I move to. I can handle this. I've been doing this the whole time alone, even though there was an illusion that someone else was there. I'm finding my courage, somehow. Waaaaaahhhhh!
I don't have kids tonight and I'm tempted to call someone to come over yet I resist the urge. I'm feeling like I need to completely stop everything and be with myself. I plan to use this time to read and do self study. I have lots of homework to do before the next yoga teacher training along with my own self study that I've been obsessed with.
My back gets achy and I wonder why did I decide to do 45 minutes instead of 30! I want to get up. I hear the washing machine stop and I have an urge to change it. I think of things to do and want to stop and do them. I resist and stay in the meditation but I do check the time, 13 more minutes! This feel like an eternity but I also know I can do this. Love. How can I love more, better and also protect my own spirit? After teacher training, I realize how fragile we all are and every one of us is dealing with something. How can we all treat each other better and how can I be more sensitive and loving? I'm trying. I am doing the work and I already feel the benefits. So much peace and love for you all. Time to get into alignment. Peace.
Hello Beautiful People,
Today I wake up freezing and sit on my ottoman and meditate. I wrestle with my thoughts. I am frustrated with the way people treat each other. There seems to be a real lack of consideration for each other.
Recently I had a friend say, maybe I can invite you to this Thanksgiving party on the morning of Thanksgiving. The day goes on and I re-arrange my plans to see if I'll be invited because it sounded like fun. It's now late in the day and I end up going to a different friends house close by and not going downtown to get the vegan Thanksgiving that I was hoping for at this restaurant. I didn't go downtown to this restaurant because I was waiting to hear back from my friend because the party was downtown and I didn't want to make two trips. Anyway, the whole day goes by and I send a message, saying I didn't hear from you so I guess we aren't coming at 9pm. Honestly I was upset. Would it really have been so hard to send me a message to say it wasn't a good idea or not? A simple communication to say, please continue on with your plans without me. Maybe I could have also sent a message or called too. Either way, it still seemed kinda cold to blow someone off on a holiday without a message. Thankfully I had another friend who also extended an invite.
The theme continues, I have another friend that I was dating. He goes out of town on a retreat and comes back engaged. What? This was really weird for me because I just saw this person and I was really open and honest with him about my situation but he wasn't very open with me about his. It feels bad because I'll still bump into this person and now his new fiancee. I wouldn't have gotten involved if I knew he was going to get engaged.
I go out with someone else who clearly shows a lot of interest in me. We had a very nice connection. We hung out a few times and then he forgot something at my house. Then he proceeds to tell me he doesn't want to get involved because I have children. I'm thinking, why are you at my house then. Your energy is saying something completely different.
I went biking with another friend. I drove an hour to see him. I meet up, we hang out for a little bit, go biking and then dinner. After 3 hours he says he's done for the night. I'm kinda annoyed because I drive 2 hours to see you essentially. Why can't you clear your schedule to hang out for the evening? And, why didn't you tell me before we meet up that you wanted to end the evening so early. I might have decided not to come at all because it wouldn't have been worth the drive.
It happens again, I have an amazing time with another guy that I go out with and then I don't hear from him for a month. We have a text message here and there with me reaching out and asking how it's going with nothing but aloof responses. Then yesterday I ask him about it and he says "what the hell, I'm working on communicating better". Really? It doesn't seem like you are putting in any effort at all. If you cared then you didn't show it at all.
My frustration is that I wouldn't treat anyone in this way. What I have come to realize is that I have become a very good communicator in my relationship with Darrel but with these other relationships there is a lack. I want to be treated better. I want to be considered. I want someone to be thoughtful of my feelings. Lately it just hasn't felt good. Am I doing something wrong? Why is there a theme here with a few different people? How can I avoid situations like this that don't feel so good? It just makes me feel sad, like I'm not important or respected. I know I don't have any control over these other people so what can I do differently? Ok, rant over, just saying...I'm frustrated.
Hello my lovelies,
I wake up at 7am, and I hear my diva cup and fly out of bed to go empty it before it can possibly leak on the bed. Yes, it's that time of the month. I take care of business and go in my living room, sit on my ottoman with my feet on the ground and meditate. This is my favorite position to meditate because when I'm cross legged, my feet fall asleep.
Darrel came home yesterday and picked up the kids. We talked and I had a chance to talk about the feelings that I've been wrestling with. It felt good to communicate. I told him I was feeling jealousy and he simply said, if I want to go on a trip with him sometime then just let him know. I was able to feel these feelings and witness them and not react. Instead I talked about them, saying this is how I'm feeling and asked questions like why am I feeling this way. Am I really upset that he went out of town? Not really. I have an opportunity to go to Chicago in Dec for Christmas and I don't want to go because I don't enjoy the snow and I know everyone will have limited days off of work so there won't be a lot of visiting time anyway. I would rather go in the summer. There is just this egotistical side of me that wants to be first, feel special like I'm more important to him than someone else. This desire to be special is what causes my suffering. If we are really ONE then I'm no better than anyone else. I am careful to process this stuff with others because I see the wounded side of them and I see their triggers. I see that they also have a lot of healing to do as we all do and in order to make the best decisions then I need to make those alone. Isn't it funny how that word keeps coming up, alone. I notice that whatever I resist is exactly where I need to go on my journey of unfolding. I am resisting being alone but I think that's exactly what I need to continue to evolve my soul.
I have been slipping on my meditation project a few days. It's mostly because I've been processing a lot of feelings lately and I needed extra time to think about them. I've been learning so much lately, it's incredible. I've been reading all about Tantra and it's so similar to all the principals of yoga. I already know this stuff. I learned it in my yoga teacher trainings. Now I'm learning it deeper. I have yoga teacher training this upcoming weekend. I love these weekends, learning and bonding with the other teachers. It's a time for a lot of growth.
I am thankful. I have a beautiful life overall. I am evolving spiritually. I am able to witness my emotions and communicate. I am growing like crazy. I really love all the things happening to me because they are forcing me to break free and come into the fullest expression of myself. Why do we resist this unfolding of ourselves? Do we not like change? Is it because of the fear of the unknown? I think it's all of the above. I feel myself becoming more present and surrendering to the unknown. I'm learning to go with it and I'm stopping my pre-conceived notions of what the unknown should look like. I surrender to the unknown and trust that everything that is happening to me is to help evolve my soul. For some reason my soul needs these experiences to grow, to learn, to see more clearly and to find happiness. Life is beautiful, even the dark side of our lives. When we work through our darkness then we come into our higher consciousness. I'm feeling that higher consciousness now. Bliss. I'm thankful for my dark side and I'm learning to be friends with it. It's the wounded side of me that needs extra love instead of being afraid of it. Don't ignore this dark side, embrace it, love it. I think of how I can nurture this side, explore it fully and love it deeply with as much care as I can give it. This is the ultimate expression of self care. Learning to heal ourselves through our shadows, through our pain and re-claiming our lost souls. Our soul is there, sometimes it simply gets lost with all our cultural conditioning and our desire to please. We sometimes need to step outside of our culture and be alone at least temporarily so that we can re-claim ourselves. Find what was once lost and celebrate our differences instead of worrying about fitting in. In the process we honor our true self instead of betraying ourselves. In the process, we learn to live fearlessly with confidence. In the process, we get to learn ourself thoroughly. I am learning who I really am for the first time in my life. It feels so scary, raw and vulnerable but it's truth and truth is what I'm seeking.
Good morning! Today I wake up around 7ish, do some light chores and go sit down to meditate on my ottoman. I like sitting here because I am facing the windows to the backyard and it is beautiful. I wrap myself up in a blanket and off I go.
The first thing that comes up is being alone. I notice that I crave being alone and I'm also uncomfortable with it at the same time. I have been dating and I asked a few people to come over and no-one was available. I was bummed out because it would have been fun to hang out with someone. I wonder, am I dating because the connection with the person is right or to avoid my aloneness. I am definitely exploring some new things so I'm not hard on myself, I am just learning through trial and error. I spent the night raising my two beautiful kids alone. I recently went out with someone who confessed that he is hesitant to get involved with me because of the children. I respect his ability to communicate this difficult thing to say but in that moment I also knew that he had blocks to work through. You can meet a beautiful person that you have a strong connection with but if you put your expectations of who that person is into a box then you are highly likely to miss out on the person sitting right in front of you. You miss out on an authentic connection because they didn't fit your expectation. If this person is open to the idea of working through his blocks, the children might be the very thing that he needs in his life to heal himself. I learn from them everyday. They completely blow me away with their joy their enthusiasm and their authenticity. As an adult we become sarcastic, we put up blocks based on our cultural conditioning. One of those conditionings for men in today's culture is that guys do a lot to avoid kids and single mothers. I know because I have seen the dating videos for guys, coaching guys to stay away from single mothers. It sucks. Not all guys of course but there seems to be a lot. I know a lot of single mother's. Get into yoga and you will meet them all. I think about these women and children a lot. There is a whole generation of kids growing up with single mothers and often the men are not around. I am fortunate that Darrel, my kids daddy takes a very active role in raising my babies. He truly is a wonderful dad. I thank god that he is there because I have no-one else to help, at least in Orlando and he's an awesome daddy. He takes great care of the kids, he's affectionate with them, spends time with them and truly cares. We have an open relationship and I know about these videos for men because I've seen him watch them. He ended up dating a single mother and he comments on how those videos are terrible. He has a beautiful relationship with his partner and she has a little boy that my kids adore. They also gain from the situation. It's something that I want for myself to be honest. Darrel and I get along great and when we have issues, we talk about them. Lately I've been wrestling with my ego and pride while he went on a trip out of town with his partner. I felt myself pulling back and the contradiction that this was in my life because at the end of the day I love Darrel very much and I do want him in my life. I'm not sure how that will look but on a spiritual level, I process the most with him. I'm growing the most with him. I'm challenged like heck with him. I think for us, at the very least, our relationship might work best if we live separate. I simply have a desire to live without the dog business and I crave quiet time to work on creative projects. When the time comes, I may also love to go out of town with someone and I would love it if Darrel could help with the kids, and he would. The more we cooperate with each other then the more that we get out of the situation. Including me seeing that I still have triggers to work through. It seems like there are constant opportunities to improve ourselves.
I had a great time with my kids alone. It would have been nice to share this with someone. We watched Christmas movies, made popcorn, lots of snacks and played. I had a big box of matchbox cars and River ordered them into different Transformer characters. I'm always amazed at his building skills. He builds stuff every second he can. He builds pillow towers, toy figures, etc, creating joyfully. We played hide and go seek, their favorite and pillow fights. I have to be careful when we pillow fight because they are so delicate but they love it and laugh and laugh and laugh. Pepper re-arranged the Christmas decorations into some unusual places and I think, why not:) . Stocking can hang off the kitchen table and end tables instead of the fireplace, lol. She is very specific with her placement of the decorations and takes a lot of pride in her work. They were excited to put up the decorations and lights, jumping and skipping happily throughout the house. Little do these guys know, they are the ones missing out.
Hello Beautiful People,
Today I meditate in my living room with a banana mango smoothie at my footstep. It's cold outside. I dress in warm comfortable cloths and begin. I am from Chicago and it is WAY colder up there this time of the year. It's so uncomfortably cold up there this time of the year that I really dread going back home for the holidays to visit. The idea of being indoors all day long or go outside and freeze seems dreadful. I don't care what anyone says, you never get used to the cold, you just deal with it. I want to visit everyone up north but wonder how I can avoid the visit and go during a warmer time of the year. I am selling my house and if there is activity on it then I will have to stay. We will wait and see. Darrel is driving so I can decide last minute if I'd like. All I know is that I'm freezing here in Florida and I don't like it and it's way worse up there.
Darrel left with his friend to visit Chicago this weekend and I am watching the kids alone for 4 days. A part of me feels betrayed that he's taking someone else back home to visit despite the cold weather. I know I don't own Chicago, but I have a lot of family there and ever since we had kids, I have been the first person to get left behind so that someone watches children while he plays with his friends. They were my friends too at one time. I also spent a lot of time with these people. Is this just my ego? If it is then I'm wrestling with it big time. I notice that when I feel hurt I retreat completely. I pull away from someone all together. That is how I've felt lately, withdrawn. I don't dwell on this long because it is out of my control and I don't see any point in it other that I have an awareness. I especially notice it because I feel myself doing it with others.
I did a thai yoga workshop at my house yesterday for some friends. One of the girls was telling me about an old partner of hers. One thing I noticed was that she said he was "mine". I think about "mine" and ownership over someone or in my situation ownership over a place. This ownership is possessiveness and in the yamas of yoga there is a philosophy called, aparigraha or non-possessiveness. This possessiveness creates suffering. What we possess, possesses us. I think about simple language tools to help our minds think more non-possessive. For example when we introduce someone we know we often say, "this is MY friend" or "MY husband" or "My boyfriend". The use of the word MY is possessive. Instead we can say, "this is Suzy, a friend" or something like that. Now, I'm now very good at this but it is something that I think about, notice in other people's language and try to incorporate to avoid that feeling of possessiveness. I'm working on using less labels, ex: husband, boyfriend as I also notice these are loaded words with a lot of expectations behind them.
I shift to thinking about pranayama or breath work in my yoga choreography. In the past I have become a fan of a challenging fast yoga flow. There is nothing wrong with this but I am noticing that when I slow down, my breath work is richer. I think about choreography that is new or interesting to me and about slowing the transitions down to find that rich breath and to be more present. As I sit in my meditation, I breath in long full breaths and exhale long full breaths. I sit tall and it feels effortless.
I didn't change the laundry. I have an urge to get up and do it immediately and then I resist thinking pratyahara, sense removal and stay focused on my meditation. I think back to the beginning of the time when I first started to enjoy writing. It was my freshman year in college. I went to University of Illinois Urbana/Champaign and an old boyfriend went to University of Iowa. He was from my home town so I knew him from high school. We dated 4 years apart and I fell completely madly in love with him. We used to write emails when the internet was just coming out and we wrote letters. I used to decorate my letters with different color puffy paint, perfume and lipstick. Inside I would write using different color ink on every like. Sometimes we would make each other tape mixes of our favorite songs and I would listen to them over and over again. He would also write me the most beautiful letters that I treasured and kept for a very long time until my parents sold their house and it was time to let go. Sometimes we would send flowers or candy or he sent me a singing gorilla on my birthday, always with a sweet special note. It was a beautiful time of my life, being in love and so happy. I loved being with him and couldn't wait to see him every chance I could get. It was the first time I expressed myself through writing and is probably still the reason why I love it so much. I don't do it now as much simply because of time and the lack of it, especially being a mother and a small business owner.
This morning I race kids off to school. I have a hard time finding Pepper's uniform and I feel irritated that her room is a mess and that things aren't organized. The kids are often crabby in the morning and Pepper wet the bed again!!! Ahhhhh! She is potty trained but she has been having issues lately. I watch her liquids before she goes to bed and make sure she goes before she sleeps but she sleeps heavy. She asks if she can sleep with me and I say no way. I don't like to wake up to someone peeing on me:). Honestly I love sleeping with the kids but if I sleep with them one time then they want to sleep with me every night and it's hard to get them back into their own room.
I love my mornings like this empty house, quiet time, creative time. Timer goes off.
Until next time...
Right before I do my meditation and the night before I start my Tantra training. I have books of the topic but instead I choose to start by watching videos to gain a grasp of the concept and then go deeper with the readings. I notice that if you think about something right before a meditation then you can focus your meditations on a particular thought. Right now I'm thinking about aligning my consciousness with universal consciousness. What does that look like? How do you go about doing that? And once I've achieved it then how do I know I'm there? They mention in the videos that the only way to universal happiness is to get into alignment with universal consciousness. Service is mentioned in the videos to reach a higher consciousness. What would be my service? What do I have to offer? Another aspect of Tantra that I learn is to control our animal instincts, our desires? I think about how this relates to the open relationship that I have been in. I think about how the attachments to people and our possessiveness leads to suffering. I see how less labels and less rules the better because these things are ways of us trying to control our future instead of living each moment in the moment. The less we try to know the unknown the better. This way things that we could not have possibly predicted become a possibility for us and we begin to find flow in our lives. As I watch the tantra videos, I notice how I am already practicing tantra through my yoga practice, I just didn't put it together. Tantra is often mistaken only for the sexual aspects but the bigger picture is often missed. Simply practicing the 8 Limbs of Yoga for example is already practicing tantra. I have so much more to learn and it is exciting. I'm learning at a faster rate than I ever have in my life because I have a real hunger and thirst for it. Adding in this meditation practice is allowing me to learn from within instead of only reading books. I see how I can tap into this inner source and allow God to speak through me, create through me and align me. All I need to do is surrender and trust and find the quiet. Learn to listen better, talk less and observe. I love how tantra says that if you don't get what you want in life then that was simply not on your path to higher consciousness. It takes the offensiveness out of life as you simply try to find your path and stop resisting the path that has been closed off to you. It's all our inner guidance.
I notice energetically a shift in the way people act towards me now that I've moved out on my own. I feel approval and as if things have opened up for me in a way. I feel the pressure to conform to the way that the majority of society lives. This is good, that is bad. This is the right choice, that is the bad choice. It's like I can hear the judge of society all around me. I'm the same person. I'm still a human being trying to do my best in life. I want room to explore freely through trial and error and not have to live up to others expectations. It's as if I'm playing a chess game and the strategy of my life and my game has changed simply by the change in my relationship. I think about how we learn so much from our relationships. Why is this person in my life? What am I here to learn from them, about them and most importantly about myself? I notice how I have a lot of questions and I'm trying to figure them out. This is the fun part. All of these questions point us into a direction in life. Where is it taking me? I don't know but I'm honestly enjoying the ride, the things that still trigger me and the past wounds that I have yet to heal.
I think back to that cruise ship, The Amsterdam on Holland America to a lady in her 80's or 90's named Dolly. This woman was terribly cruel to me and the kids. I remember being up on the pool deck trying to order drinks for the kids and I and I was holding River but Pepper wanted to run. She is only 3 and has an excitement for life that is insatiable. She won't sit still and runs off. I'm hoping the waiter hurries but it seems to take a long time. I turn around and see Pepper hopping from one empty lawn chair to the other, back and forth on the deck. I am alone and I have no-one to help me and feel stuck. At first I think, no-one is up here anyway except a few people and Pepper is not getting hurt so who cares. Dolly says Pepper's behavior is appalling and from that moment was very negative to us. She would often say to me, "She's not supposed to be up there", "This is not a place for kids". She would scowl at us and often talk negative and loudly about us so we could hear but pretend like we couldn't. One time when we were at port and waiting my the curb for a cab, she was on one side of us and looking for her friend. They would snicker and say go around right in front of us and loudly. I would watch Dolly hunker down like a witch and do a large half moon shape walk far around us and make it to her friends and say how she made it. This behavior was very passive aggressive and very childlike. I think it's strange to watch this older woman act so immature and consciously try to hurt someone, especially children. I hated Dolly. She was my nemesis on the cruise. It didn't matter if I tried to be nice to her, which I did often try to be the bigger person and say hello. She wanted nothing to do with me and I couldn't do anything about it. She acted like my children were germs and they could somehow pollute her. There was a part of me that loved Pepper's innocence as she wants to play and explore on the ship. Pepper happened to be an expert swimmer at only 3 years old. There was a running track around the pool and one day people stopped and screamed at Pepper diving at the bottom of the pool. Pepper would often clean the pool on the ship of all the stuff on the bottom with her diving skills. This scared someone on the running track as they thought she drowned. Of course I was limited to sitting next to the pool and couldn't go in because River wasn't allowed in the pool at 1 because he was still in diapers. Pepper had energy, lots of it and she needed to release it. If she wanted to swim in that pool then I was going to let her. I felt a protectiveness to protect her vibrant spirit as I felt the repression of people on the ship such as Dolly. Pepper was amazing and there was a certain part of me that enjoyed her infectious joy for life as she ruffled others feathers. I felt like these people would be happier in life if they weren't so rigid and repressed. Of course I see compromise and as a parent I was constantly trying to in a positive way teach her. Every mistake I simply look at as a learning opportunity. Watching Pepper grow was exciting and I wanted some of her enthusiasm in life. She was my inspiration because she wasn't worried about what anyone else thought of her. She simply lived. She lived life to the fullest and she was joyful. She had a mentor on the ship Jeffrey. He was a larger black man in his 30's who was her teacher in the kids club. He was amazing with her. He listened to her. He created with her. He loved her. I have so much love for the way that man was able to help my child. He was my friend on the ship and understood and felt compassion for the way I was being treated. Not only by Dolly but may others as well. If we really are one then how come we can't love our children as much as we love an adult. They are smarter than us. We can learn a lot from them and I want to be around people who embrace their beauty. At the end of the ship I find out that Dolly had children or knew children that she was close with who died. I know this was why she treated me and the kids the way she did. I felt compassion for her and understood but I was still hurt by her.
Anyway, I'm off to go to work. Until tomorrow.
Hello my lovelies,
Today I wake up at 7:30am and go out on my back lanai, curl up in a blanket to stay warm in the chilly Florida winter, cross my legs and get comfortable. I look out at my view and think that I'm truly blessed to live where I do. It's a modest 3 bedroom 2 bath house but it's perfect. It's on an oversized yard, almost an acre and I have it decorated just the way I like it and the back of the house is all windows overlooking trees and nature. I see so many squirrels spiraling up the trees, chasing each other and playing games. They run on the screen of my pool house and I think, how can I keep them off of there so they don't destroy my screen. I breathe and relax and close my eyes.
My mind wonders, I am selling my house and I think of which things to keep and which things to sell. Even though I love my house, I want to be closer into the city so I can reach a larger group of cliental. It has been a great four years. The funny thing is that I finally have the house close to the way that I like it and now I'm selling it. I hardly got to enjoy all the upgrades that I added. Doesn't life always seem to work that way, we work so hard to achieve something and once we achieve it we want something else? I breathe in the cool air and listen to the squirrels chirp. I feel nostalgic. I might be really sad leaving this house. I put a lot of energy into it, painting the inside and outside, installing tile, painting and removing shelves from the garage, swapping out light fixtures and shutters and installing wood floors, new air conditioner, new hot water heater and new screens for the garage. I always wanted a beautiful place to live. Now that I live in this house alone it feels too big, too much to maintain. I can honestly say that the house is owning me at this point. It's a lot of work to take care of a house, two kids and work alone. These are busy years for me.
I always liked to write, mostly emails and pen pal type relationships. It's only now that I write a blog for everyone to see. I never thought I was skilled enough to write. It's funny how we put limitations on ourselves. I'm really enjoying this blog. Somehow putting myself out there in a very real way feels good. I'm surprised by who has commented on enjoying it and I feel excited. Maybe I should be a writer? I don't know but I'll keep writing and see where it takes me.
I keep meeting people who go to Pagen festivals, call themselves witches or wizards and I've had visions of magic. I also have been reading angel cards and looking at all sorts of mystical things. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe I need to write about magic. How can I tap into that inner child of mine and create an imaginary world? It's so fun to think about.
Anyway, I also think about the different relationships in my life. I think about the things I like and don't like about them. Maybe this is my inner judge. Either way, it's been fun.
30 minutes and my timer goes off. Until next time.
Hello, wow I'm so tired today. Last night I taught a detox twist yoga class and there were only a few students in the class who were more advanced so I was able to make it a more challenging class. It was super fun but I was drained. Darrel my ex-husband and Tristan, a dear friend, came over for dinner with the kids and we made dinner and hung out on the lanai while the kids played with their toys. Right before bedtime, my 3 year old son, River crawls all over me. He wants to wrestle. I turn my hand into a claw and open and close my fingers and pretend to attack him. He holds my hand away and giggles with sheer joy. He lets go and I tickle him while he squeals laughter shaking his head side to side while he pushes my hand away for relief. We play this game for awhile and my little girl Pepper 6 years old, wants to get in on the giggles. She says mommy, let me see the claw. I now have two babies in my arms and two hand claws attacking them with tickles while they scream and laugh and say "no, no, no" and as soon as my hand is away they say "again". Their laughter is infectious. I see Darrel smiling, Tristen laughing and I am giggling non-stop saying "I like you and I dip down to kiss their soft plump cheeks". They are the sweetest kids, my heart is full. They like to wrestle every night and get lots of hugs and tickles every night. River gets so excited he starts screaming a little too loud. I say bedtime. He whimpers but we go anyway, brush our teeth and go to bed. River still needs a diaper at night. We cuddle in bed and they can't keep their hands to themselves. They touch my nose, my hair my eyes, River sits on me. "Please go to sleep, I say". Now I'm really tired. I finally say last hug and kiss and slither out of the room. Darrel and Tristan leave and I get to sleep. Hooray! I love sleep and I really want it. I have the best bed!
The next morning I over sleep and I have to get the kids to school, ahahahahaha! I have to turn my phone to do not disturb when I teach class so the music plays without interruption but I forgot to turn do not disturb off. I run around like a crazy woman getting them ready, brushing my teeth, making Pepper's lunch and getting dressed. Darrel comes over to take the sleeping babies to school and I have to run to work to teach a hot yoga class. The kids were difficult because they like to wake up slowly and don't like to rush in the morning. I teach a class and then take a hot yoga class and then race back to pick up River since he is in school only 1/2 days. I come home make lunch and sneak outside while River watches Transformers. I'm glad he's tired too because it give me a chance to sit on the back lanai for 30 minutes of quiet time.
I turn on the alarm, and breath in one more view of the trees while I listen to the leaves rustling in the wind and close my eyes. I'm so tired that I really struggle to stay awake. I sway side to side. I cross my legs and sit of tall. About 5 minutes into my meditation I forgot that I have the hose on to fill the pool! Ahhhh! I remember because I hear someone in the pool. I open my eyes and see the pool service man cleaning my pool. I think of pratyahara, sense deprivation, and think don't let anything disturb your meditation. Then I think of my pool overflowing and I stop the timer, get up and introduce myself to the pool man and ask about the water. He says it's fine and can run a little longer. Ok, I go back up and meditate.
My mind wanders to the farmer's market the day before. I think of the people I met up with there, our conversations, the introductions, new friends and the beautiful day. I introduced my ex-husband to a friend of mine, my friend introduces me to his friends. I think of the projects that we will work on, an assisted thai yoga workshop coming up and some possible film projects. I get excited about the work.
Next my mind jumps to the Amsterdam Cruise ship on Holland America. About 3 years ago, my mother took me and my 2 kids on a cruise around the world. She was trying to help me and could see my unhappiness in my marriage and with being a new mother. She believed showing me the world was a better education instead of financially helping. Plus she wanted to spend the time with me and the kids and this was something she wanted to do. She goes on world cruises every year. I appreciate all that she has done for me but honestly, I shouldn't have gone on that cruise. She wanted me to get divorced because she thought I deserved better. She took me on the cruise to separate me from Darrel so that I could see another life. The cruise was beautiful but it was elegant and not a place for young kids. It was mostly older people on the ship and they did not like little kids. Actually, some of them were down right viciously mean. It only made me feel more lonely. It caused stress on my parents. River was only 1 and the cruise kids care wouldn't take him in the day care. We often set up his train set by the pool that he wasn't allowed to use because he was still in diapers and chased this cute little 1 year old all over the ship. It was exhausting to be honest. When we traveled at ports, it was also difficult because I had to push the stroller everywhere. Some cities had tons of stairs, unpaved roads, difficulty getting the stroller in and out of cabs, kids crying in the cars etc. My mother and I often got into fights and one time I was feeling so low, I went off to travel alone in Hoi An Vietnam. I went to Marble Mountain with the stroller and went up and down all the stairs to see it. I loved Hoi An. Next I went to the town and got lunch, lots of tropical fruits and strolled up and down the most adorable town filled with textile shops. I stopped in one shop and frantically tried on dresses as fast as I could while the kids slept. Finally I race back to where the bus takes you to the ship except it was gone. The taxi takes me straight to the port. I see the ship is about to leave and full out sprint with the two kids in the stroller weaving in and out of the shipping buildings and containers to get to the ship. They were about to pull up the ramp and leave and they see us. Everyone cheers "hooray" and I wave like I'm some kind of movie star. I'm so relieved to make it to the ship. As I push the stroller up the ramp to the boat, my mother charged after me like she was going to hit me and was screaming at me in front of everyone. It was humiliating. I messed up the times to return because someone told me the wrong time. I should have checked it anyway. I remember feeling so sad to be traveling alone with the kids and all the fighting with my mother and issues with my marriage and the difficulty of being a new mother that I lost sight of my self worth. My father picked up my daughter and simply hugged her. He was worried too but didn't yell, he was just happy to see us and glad we were ok. After my mother left, patrons came up to me and told me that no-one ever has the right to treat me that way, no matter what. I made an excuse for my mother saying she was worried. I don't know why she had to make a show of correcting me in front of everyone other than she was embarrassed and wanted other people to know she was doing what she could to discipline her 40 year old daughter. I felt guilty because I knew I was so privileged to even be on the ship with her but I was miserable and I couldn't wait to get off. There were formal dinners and I had a 1 year old and a 3 year old who could barely sit down for dinner let alone last a full hour. It was difficult for me because I was doing it alone and I could feel my mother's embarrassment of me struggling with the kids. I often ate in the cafeteria or in my room. I cruised with my parents for four months. I remember my father wasn't always around either. I thought he didn't want to be around me and the kids and took it personally. He was busy doing word searches, trying to reverse his Alzheimer's. He was completely frightened of death. He stopped hanging out with everyone, not just me. He stopped doing his favorite activities, the cruise lectures on the history of every port. Talks with his friends Della & Jack amongst many other people. When we traveled at port, he often with alone with the Catholic priest and many times it was only me and my mother with the 2 kids. I didn't realize it at the time how sick he was. 3 years later, I see how rapidly his disease was taking him over. I used to be mad as him, now I just feel compassion. He was just afraid and I had so many of my own struggles that it was hard for me to be there for him. I was on duty full time on that ship with barely a breath to break.
Now my mind jumps to back in Clermont, FL right after I had kids. Looking back on it all, I was so sure of myself being a mother and I was going to video myself and teach other mother's "how to do it right". Well, I realized that I was a hot mess being a new mom. I was not prepared for the lack of support, the complete loss of myself with no more free time, the changes in my body and not being structured enough to create any kind of balance in my life with getting kids to sleep or anything. Right after I had my second child, River, I went into post-pardon depression. I felt fat. I didn't have time to get ready, so I stopped caring. I wanted to nurse my kids until they weaned themself which I did but I didn't go out as much because of it. I did nurse openly in public but we moved to Clermont, didn't know anyone anyway. Darrel was sick with Lyme Disease and he was unhappy too. The two of us together alone in a new town, across country with little help raising a new family and having to start new careers took a toll on our marriage. When I was on the cruise I got back in excellent shape. My mother was kind enough to watch River for 2 hours for me every morning so I could exercise 1 hour and take a 1 hour water painting class while Pepper was in the kids care. My exercise and painting was my biggest break being a mother and it did help me. I am grateful for my mother trying to help. I only wish we could have gotten alone better.
When I got off the ship and came home, Darrel & I decided to have an open marriage with hopes of that co-parenting and outside experiences could helping things. I mostly realized how angry I was and how much I was ignoring it. When we opened our marriage, anger came bursting out of me and I couldn't stop. Perhaps I was mostly angry with myself but I didn't know that at the time. Lots of changes needed to happen and they were very painful. My biggest challenge was that I had to find myself again. Somehow I lost myself into being the good wife, supporting my husbands business and raising the two kids. I was working all the time but for everyone else and never myself. What did I want to do in case this open marriage didn't work? I didn't know. I had to re-invent myself and figure out a new life. Starting over was scary but also a time for my biggest growth. I went kicking and screaming into finding myself and recovering my soul over the next 2 to 3 years.
The timer dings, my time is up. I open my eyes. I feel like I was in a dream. I am blessed and I am willing to do whatever I need to do to come into the fullest expression of myself. What else do I need to do? What else needs to heal for me to move forward? I'm working on it. I'm opening my heart and soul to the world in hopes that maybe it helps someone who also felt the same way that I did at one time realize that they are not alone. We are all on a ride, a journey to heal ourselves and discover our soul. I am not perfect. I don't know everything but I know I'm on the right path for the first time in my life. In the past I was always driven by fear. Now I'm running into my fear, overcoming it and healing past wounds one memory at a time. I recently sent my mother a text as she is on another cruise and I told her that I love her and I know things are messed up between us and I wanted to apologize for my part in it. I want to forgive. I want to love. I want alignment with my purpose on this earth. If this touches you then I encourage you to start a meditation yourself. Don't judge your thoughts, simply be aware of them like a witness. What are they telling you? Peace Peace Peace, love love love.
Hello beautiful people,
Today I wake up early at 6:30am. I sit on my couch on my lanai and look out at my view of nature. I’m so blessed to have an amazing backyard with lots of trees, a garden and a retention pond to buffer the space between neighbors. My house is in a sub-division but it feels like I’m out in nature as podacarpus bushes line one side of the property, there is a forest in front of the property and the backyard is all trees and a retention pond with lots of nature. I can hear the birds chirping and there is a rustle in the trees and grass. Life is all around me and I love it. The weather in Florida is slightly chilly in the morning and I wrap myself up in a blanket and close my eyes. I breath in the cool fresh air and listen to the outdoors. I sit upright on the couch with my feet touching the ground. I’m hoping that I’ll be more comfortable in this position without my leg falling asleep.
I think of all the things I have to do during the day. Clean the house for a showing, teach yoga at 9 and at 5, stop by the farmer’s market, clean, take kids to the park and do some office work. Planning definitely is a part of my thoughts. I like things orderly and organized that way I can get the most out of my day. I think of all the different ways that I can market and grow my business. Different creative thoughts sneak into my mind. I think about workshops, retreats, photos, videos and making voice-overs. I have so much to do that stopping is difficult for me. I also think about all the things that I need to do to sell my house. Should I sell all my furniture and start over or should I sell only the stuff I don’t need to downsize? How can I simplify my life? Is it a bigger pain to move and store my stuff for some time until I buy a new place? Or is it better to sell it and buy new when I’m settled? There’s so many big girl decisions to be made and honestly, I don’t want to do it. I want to be like a child again and have someone else decide for me. What if I make the wrong choice? Ugh. I love my house but I feel lonely at it. It’s on the south west edge of Clermont, FL and seems far from everything. It’s almost in the country. I gain nature but it’s not so fun to enjoy all the beauty with noone to share it with and I like to go out but I don’t as much because of the distance.
I have a desire to be around like minded people so we can co-create and find synergy. I have a lot of skills. How can I use them to serve better? I know everyone would benefit from all the healing modalities that I have to offer. How can I share them? I want to reach out to people to create an open community for everyone to share, socialize, learn and grow. I learn so much from relationships and I really love people so much. It’s part of the reason why I share my life with everyone. I want to invite you in and get to know you. I love their stories about the ups and downs of their lives. We all live so differently. There’s lots of options. How do you choose to create the happiest life possible?
My back hurts a little as I meditate. I sit up taller. The phone rings and I turn it off, 5 minutes to go. I think about pratyahara, or sense deprivation. It’s the removal of the five senses during meditation to stay focused. The distractions are a part of my work in meditation and I’m challenged but starting to learn. The alarm rings, time is up. I open my eyes, drink in the surroundings, smile and get up. Time to start the day. Peace, peace, peace. Much Love.