Today I drop off my daughter at school and go to the lake and meditate on the pier. The wind blows ripples in the water and the sunlight shines down on the water painting waves that seem to smile at me. I squint my eyes a little and think about the book Siddhartha and the water laughing at me. I sit on the bench and meditate. This is after a very very intense yoga teacher training weekend. Many breakthoughs happen. I recognize old wounds buried deep that have never healed and reconnect with relationships that have been broken. So much healing happened and so much more is coming. As I meditate I burst into tears like 3 or 4 times. I finally feel the pain of the past that I stuffed down an avoided through alcohol, keeping busy or some other avoidance mechanism. Grief. I didn't realize how deep the wounds were. Every tear that rolls off my cheek is a relief, a release. Finally I get to move through my wounds, deal with them, create awareness and let them go. A warm wind breezes past my face and I feel the warm Florida sun heat up my face and body. It feels like nature is hugging me and telling me that everything is going to be ok. Life is just beginning, joy is in my heart. Yesterday I went to a Kundalini meditation and sang and chanted my heart out with 2 beautiful friends. The room was vibrating at such a high level of joy, while we sang to the divine. Liquid consonants buzz in our mouths and vowels roll over out tongues. The energy was so powerful that everyone was swaying and thumping with the music. I smile as I reminisce about the amazing time that I had the night before. Connecting with the divine becomes one of my top priorities in life because through that alignment is a life of bliss. I think about creating more of those memories for myself and how to create a life full of that joy. I grieve over all the anger that I had for so long and think that life can be lived with happiness and I'm starting to learn how. This time it is more authentic, more powerful, more real because of my awareness. I've been humbled as I feel like God has brought me to my knees and pierced my heart.
My meditation is over, I look around, stretch, pick up my things and walk back to my car. Yes, I think I can love to meditate.
I meditate at the yoga studio for 25 minutes. I can't get it in everyday. Some days are super swamped with classes, kids, appointments, etc. I realize just how busy my life is simply because I can't find 30 minutes a day to find silence and stop. Forget about meditating 2 times a day. How can I simplify my life I think so that I have more time? Does everyone struggle with this?
Anyway, I sit in the back room. Peace. I find that I fall into the meditations easier and easier simply in that I settle into them more and simply watch my thoughts. I'm writing this a few days after day 7 so I can't really remember my thoughts other than they are there busy planning or recalling. I breath into the meditation and relax. I notice that my spine slightly circles clockwise. I'm starting to like meditating, weird. Yes I struggle but as I go on, I work to schedule it in my day. I see its importance. Discovering myself.
Hello everyone, today I can't sleep well and I wake up at 5:30am. I actually love and hate when I wake up early like this. I had a glass and a half of wine yesterday and that usually messes up my sleep pretty consistently. Why do I even have it? Ugh. Yesterday I was feeling a lot of stress. I find out that my yoga studio no longer wants to host massage or thai yoga or acupuncture services. I no longer have a studio supporting my thai yoga work or a place to practice with clients. Now what... This all happened because the acupuncturist at the studio was charged with sexual battery to a minor at the studio. The owner, due to liability took away all the services and is changing the back room into a gym with weights. I completely understand and respect her decisions but what does that mean for me? How do I proceed? I can have a mobile thai yoga service. I can seek out other locations. I can rent a space on my own. I've also had beautiful friends offer their spare room for me. I feel the love and support from my students in my yoga room. I'm so blessed to be able to have a presence with all of these people. I feel the love from all of them and I love them back. It's really a beautiful thing that makes me so happy.
Back to meditation, I wake up early and go outside on the lanai to avoid waking up the dogs, children, Darrel. The lanai is gross. The roof leaks water and the table, chairs and floor are covered with a thin layer of dirt. I brush off one chair and sit. I do like breathing in fresh air. I want the windows on the house more open to get more fresh air in the house. I want clean air. I fall into the meditation. It's dark outside. I live in a subdivision and I notice a rooster crowing. Who has a rooster in this subdivision, lol? I hear the occasional dog bark and the rustle of a squirrel. Meditate. I fall into a dream like state. I think of all the things that happened at the studio. My encounter with all the people there. I think of the future and what my next steps should be. When I came home yesterday my son was watching Ghost Busters with his daddy and he was having so much fun. I could hear him with his soprano scream at the ghosts and envision him kicking his legs. He was starving for my attention. Yesterday as the movie credits roll I pick him up and we dance and laugh and rub noses. The love that I feel for him is incredible. There are times when I'm trying to get things done and the children have needs and interrupt and I get frustrated because I have to balance both. Because of this, I make a point to really connect with my children. Maybe not all day but for a time. We play monster in the house and I chase them all over the place while they scream and run. My little girl giggles and dances to Ghost Busters and after she practices her singing for her Sassy Lassies singing class. We have so much fun together and I notice that when I stop and really be present with them that I absolutely love being with them. They are so amazing, so loving, so innocent and so playful. I want to play more in life. I want to feel that joy all the time. How do you do that and take care of responsibilities at the same time. Now that I have no place to do my thai work, I think how does this affect me? Are there good changes that can happen out of it where I can make more money and work a little less hard so I have more time for these two beautiful angels of mine. I have anxiety a lot of the time when I'm with them thinking how can I make money to give them a nicer life. God. Are you there? Please help. What should I do? What are my next steps? Please hold my hand and show me the way.
That's it beautiful people. Another sliver of my heart. I love you all so much and thank you for listening.
Hello beautiful people, today I drop off my son at pre-school and go to the yoga studio before class early. There is a quiet room in the back. I go there. No one is there. It is quiet and peaceful. I open the door because I want to be connected to nature, somehow and fresh air. I start to meditate and it's going well. I hear the people in the complex below at the salon so I have to close the door to avoid the conversations. I fall into the meditation. This is one of the first times that I don't get restless throughout the meditation. Not only do I not check the time but I don't notice the time until 4 minutes after 30 minutes. Wow, my restlessness ended and quiet sank in so much that I was enjoying the process. I can't remember anything significant about the meditation other than the manic in me that wants to do finally settled into the stop. Stopping was so nice. I think how I work so hard at everything and then I think maybe I need to work less and more smarter and I'll get better results, better balance. One of my main obsessions has been starting this business. How can I heal people? How can I make money doing that so I can survive? What is the best road to take? I don't know and I simply ask God for help and guidance. What should I do?
Hello, I'm writing about day 4, 3 days after so I really can't remember as much as I'd like. Anyway, bottom line is that it is very difficult for me to get 30 minutes meditation in uninterrupted. I let the dogs out this morning and they were so loud that it woke up my 3 year old son. Darn, because I woke up early to meditate. He is such a lovely little boy and thankfully I was able to find boy toys for him to watch on YouTube. I start my meditation. He needs help about 10 minutes in because he touched something and didn't know how to go back to the videos. Other times the dogs bark loudly, I have to let them back in so they don't bother the neighbors. I notice that it takes me some time to fall into the meditation and every interruption takes me out of the meditation and I have to start over and refocus. I can see the benefit of long uninterrupted meditations because that's when you seem to go into a dream like state. Stopping and meditating is starting to become more enjoyable and I'm seeking the silence. The quiet. The calm. I want to listen to whatever comes up. What is God trying to tell me? I mostly notice thoughts of the past few days and then thoughts of future plans, vacillating back and forth. I simply notice these thoughts and continue. My anxiety towards meditation is less. Until tomorrow.
I am super proud of myself!!!! I did two 30 minute sessions today. It's a miracle! It does seem almost impossible for me not to get interrupted however. I had to answer someone at the door in the middle and answer a phone call. I quickly take care of these things and back to meditation.
I think about fear because I'm reading Ohso's book on Courage. I have a partner and I realize that I've been afraid of his light. Almost as if the more he grows into his awesomeness, the more afraid I get as if I become less because he grows more. It's really silly to think about because what is happening is that his light is simply forcing me to face the fears that I already had and forcing me to address them and step out of the dark and step into the light with him. I'm learning to love unconditionally and without fear. The journey that I am on is terrifying and awesome at the same time. I'm letting go more and more and surprisingly enough, I'm finding more joy.
The second meditation I sit in silence on my bed. Children still not asleep and I get restless after 18 minutes. This has become a pattern I notice just after 15 minutes I want to get up. My mind wanders into the past and into the future. I think about my relationships. How can I make them better and how can I develop more of them. I want to be connected with people. I also think of all the to do's for the next day and past events of the current day. I wrestle with authenticity and openness. I want to be authentic but authentic doesn't mean open. What is ok to write on a public blog? Until next time...and very happy about today.
I'm coming to the realization that I'm not going to make 30 minutes a day everyday 2 times a day. I have small children and it's difficult to get alone time. I missed a day and then the second day I could get 1, 15 minute meditation in. I am not going to beat myself up over missing, I'm just going to do the best I can and when I fall off track I'll simply pick it back up again when I can.
This 15 minute meditation is right up my alley actually. It's the perfect amount of time before I start to get really anxious, at least for now. My thoughts wonder between the past and the future. Rarely do I sit in the present moment, even when I make a conscious effort to be present then I can be for a moment, and then it's gone. Off to some other thought. I'm just happy that I found 15 minutes to meditate today.
I have a friend who challenged me to a silent 30 day meditation challenge, 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening with the purpose to watch and become aware of my thoughts. I am a do'er and I have an incredible strong resistance to doing this challenge, which makes me think that I should do it. I am always busy, working hard as a mommy, studying, choreographing, cleaning, teaching yoga classes, doing Assisted Thai Yoga for my clients, marketing, cooking, etc, you name it I am doing it. I am doing everything except stopping. I hate stopping. Why I wonder? Am I afraid to see something? Is there something that I can learn about myself from this exercise? I don't know. Honestly, I don't even know if I can do it. With 2 small kids running around the house then I'll be lucky to find time alone late at night or early morning. Alone time is precious and I really love reading, learning and doing my own research on whatever project that I'm working on. I don't like using this precious time to sit and do nothing. I spent a few days just thinking about this challenge before I could even begin. Actually, I've been thinking about doing it for years. Always thinking I'll start tomorrow and tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes and I haven't started. But begin I must and so I have.
Here's my day 1 meditation. I started in the evening on Friday November 2nd 2018 at 8:40pm. I sit in front of my front room window on a pink yoga mat and sit cross legged. I sit up tall to line up my chakras and cup my hands one on top of the other and close my eyes. Breath. I start taking long breaths to settle my mind as I just got the kids to bed. They are still awake and I can hear them playing a little. I want to get started because I'm exhausted and I have a long day of doing Assisted Thai Yoga tomorrow for a special event at Nieman Marcus. I think, no more Halloween candy for my non-sleeping babies. Please go to sleep. Another part of me is happy they are so joyful together. Thoughts roll through my mind, at first thoughts of the future, all my plans for tomorrow and the next few months with my career. I think of my plans tomorrow night, who will be there, what might happen. I fully envision whole stories of what might happen. Maybe I can predict what will happen and how I will react. I hope my back doesn't hurt me tomorrow when I work this Thai event. Then I fall into the past thinking about an ex-boyfriend that I recently talked with. He reminded me of my old acting days. My eyelid gets stuck and I have to blink. I'm finding very little time that I don't think of anything. I don't judge myself, I'm only taking note of what's coming up. Jeez my back is starting to hurt. I get up to look at the time and only 17 minutes passed, ahhhhh. I want to get up. I don't want to be here. My leg is tingling, I wonder if I'm cutting off circulation in my leg sitting like this. How do we get comfortable sitting like this so long. A different memory of another friend pops up. He once said I knew everything about the acting industry inside out. And yes at the time, I was totally on it. I can be an intense person with a lot of things that I do. Why can't I just do something? Instead I have to do it full out and to that absolute best of my ability. And then I've had a pattern to quit and find something else to do. 13 more agonizing minutes to go. Breath. I go back to the breath to focus. I listen to the sounds in the room, the neighbors dog, my kids still away and playing and the sound of the crickets. Breath. I really can't wait for this to be over. My low back is killing me at this point. Geez the back of my throat itches, no more vegan cheese for me. I must be having some kind of allergic reaction to it. I'm almost done, hang in there. Breath. I get up and realize I got up a minute too early. Too bad, good enough for my first time.
Wow, it's really hard to sit still an do nothing but watch. I can see people being able to develop a deep sense of awareness through meditation. I hope to gain so much out of all this but what if there is nothing. What do I want to change? Oh so much. How can I be happier? How can I live to my fullest potential? How do I find more authentic relationships? What do I want? What else is preventing me? What other fears are in my way? How do I overcome these fears? How can I reach Nirvana? Is there a such thing as Nirvana anyway? The biggest thing I hope to learn through this project is myself. I want to learn who am I? Who am I without cultural conditioning, without pressure from family, work and friends influence? There is so much to ask, so much to learn. I am excited for this dreadful task of meditation and hope that I like it one day. It would be so nice to go deep within myself for research and answers instead of constant research on enlightenment from others. Goodnight beautiful people. I hope I can stay the course. Until tomorrow. Wish me luck.